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How to survive : Tips for surviving the end of the world and various other disasters

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Source: CDC

 

With Frankenstorm and Hurricane Sandy freaking everyone out (and creating a giant influx of storm mocking memes) this Outhouse writer decided that a little preparedness couldn’t hurt.  In fact, I’m going to do you one better and compile a giant help page that you may find useful in a variety of disaster situations.  With no further ado, good luck and god speed.

The Disaster Kit:  For ANY survival situation

I’m just going to link the CDC here because I’m lazy.  http://emergency.cdc.gov/preparedness/kit/disasters/

And now….. the fun stuff!

Hurricane:

1 – Battening down the hatches

2- Snorkel, wet suit, flippers and a boat

3- Mental resolve to ignore the dolphins hitting your window.  It’s the hurricane baiting you.  Don’t take it!

 

Angry Volcano:

1-      Virgin (male or female, however the females tend to look better in the coconut bikini)

2-      Coconut bikini

3-      Witch Doctor to supervise

4-      Burly native to toss aforementioned virgin into the hot magma

5-      Ability to resist saying ‘don’t touch the lava!’ when throwing the virgin into the lava

 

Zombies Apocalypse:

1-      Guns, guns and more guns

2-      Ammo

3-      Nerves of steel

4-      Underground shelter with solar power panels above ground

5-      Backup guns and ammo

6-      Hydroponic farm in above mentioned shelter

7-      Valuables to barter

 

Justin Bieber Concert:

1-      Ear plugs

2-      Monster truck to run over screaming teens as you escape

 

Tornado:

1-      Ruby slippers

2-      Extended arsenal of super soakers to battle the wicked witch

3-      Just saying no to drugs

 

Godzilla:

1-      Find a group of sumo wrestlers and blend in

2-      Trip at least one wrestler while trying to run away

3-      Use the diversion to find shelter

4-      Summon Mothra, King Kong or Japanese technology to defeat Godzilla

5-      NEVER under any circumstances summon Godzuki

 

Horror Movie:

1-      Establishing what genre you’re in (if you’re in a spoof, just sit back and say a few witty lines.  You’ll make it into the sequel even if you die)

2-      Adaptability and/or purity.  Only the innocent, clueless and ruthless survive

Power Outage:

1-      If you’re reading this you’ve already learned how to take your phone/iPad/laptop to a someplace with free Wi-Fi. *slow clap*

 

Air Raid:

1-      Sturdy desk

2-      1950’s innocence

Atomic Bomb:

1-      You’re probably dust, kiss your ass goodbye

2-      If you do survive, you’ll probably grow a second ass, or arm…or leg…

 

AIRBHG: Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God

1-      Realize AIRBHG will smite your RB no matter what

2-      Having a deep enough RB depth chart

3-      Lots of mental toughness

4-      Understand the fact that just because your RB doesn’t play for Iowa, or isn’t a RB, he’s not safe.  AIRBHG doesn’t discriminate

 

Taylor Swift break-up song.

1-      Lots of tissue paper

2-      Knowing to count to ten when you have an urge to key your ex's truck

3-      Realize that you might actually be the problem in all these relationships

Written or Contributed by Sarah Sed

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READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!

[Zechs]

I'm a MASTER of these situations.

[sdsichero]

It's "Godzooky".

[covalesky]

Just follow Sheldon.