Party officials attribute Mitt Romney's defeat to "not enough racism, sexism, and homophobia."
A dejected Republican party was confused and somber Tuesday night as election results came in declaring Barack Obama the winner of the presidential race. Despite a massive push toward campaigning against gay rights, abortion, immigration, and equality in general, Mitt Romney was unable to secure what seemed like an easy victory over President Obama, who presided over one of the worst economic recessions in United States history. However, GOP strategists remain undeterred.
"Obviously, we didn't hate hard enough," said Rush Limbaugh, leader of the Republican party. "Governor Romney focused too much on unimportant issues like the economy and foriegn policy, when what the American people really want is assurances that men won't be allowed to marry each other. It was a grave error, but one that we won't repeat in 2016."
Reportedly, the Republican party machine is already preparing for the next election cycle by making animated gifs of aborted fetuses with which to inundate Facebook and Twitter, as well as training potential candidates to make more insanely out of touch statements about rape and binders full of women. Based on the principle that no publicity is bad publicity, officials hope that said statements will become viral internet memes that, while making Republicans look at best ridiculous, and at worst like psychopaths, at least increase the candidates' name recognition.
"We have to take exposure where we can get it," said Sean Hannity, another top party official. "The liberal media won't give us any coverage."
"We lost this one, unfortunately," commented Glenn Beck, chairman of the GOP. "The affluent white males who vote in this country weren't energized enough. We hope that, by increasing the focus on ludicrous religious values and social issues that were important to people in the 1950s and mostly ignoring the seeming no-brainer of attacking the abysmal economic performance of the Obama administration, we'll be able to turn this thing around and win in 2016."
The Outhouse informed Mr. Beck that affluent white males were not the only people allowed to vote in the United States. In fact, blacks, Hispanics, women, and even homosexuals are legally permitted to vote in all U.S. elections.
"What?!" replied Beck, shuffling nervously through some papers as a murmur of shock spread across Romney campaign headquarters. "Are you sure?"
"Nah nah nah nah," said Romney campaign manager Ethan Van Sciver, covering his ears with both hands, when we reached out to him for comment. "I can't hear you."
It seems the Republican party has some soul searching to do.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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