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Hostess Closing; Fanboys To Lose 95% Of Diet

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LOLtron

Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Fri Nov 16, 2012 10:54 am

Hostess Closing; Fanboys To Lose 95% Of Diet

Jude Terror’s Diet Forces Hostess To Close Its Doors.



Source: Hostess Brands closing for good

Several months ago, noted fat comic fan, Outhouse webmaster, and former drug addict, Jude Terror, put a bedazzled staple in his stomach and was forced to change his diet forever.  Little did he know, or care, what impact his new life style choice would have on the world's economy, specifically snack food producers.  As Conservatives try to blame Hostess’ failure on Barak Obama’s economic policy or Michelle Obama’s fascist campaign to get Americans to eat carrots (Did I pronounce that correctly?) non-partisan groups have laid the blame squarely at Mr. Terror’s feet, as Hostess Executive, Twinkie The Kid, told The Outhouse:

Our revenues were cut by 56%.  Our analysts tried to figure out what had happened but we had no idea that it was just one guy.

Although it will take many millennia for Hostess to sell/destroy/wait for decomposition, for most of its products.  This news comes as a major blow to basement dwelling fanboys who will have to scream something new to their moms when they are asked “Honey-Boo, do you want anything from the store?”. Hostess snacks, Twinkies especially, are fan favorites due to their inability to go bad, individual wrapping (so cream filling doesn’t get on comics, toy packaging, or game controllers) and the loss of over 90% of their diet will come as a diabetic shock to their systems.

As a warning to the rest of the country, the FDA and ATF released a joint press release stating that if “You see an emaciated, pale, weird looking man-child walking around with too much skin screaming for food” to not shoot them in the head; they are starving fanboys and not zombies.

 



Written or Contributed by GHERU


READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!
User avatar

bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:00 am

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

User avatar

Lord Ice

Motherfucker from Hell

Postby Lord Ice » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:26 am

eh No more Sno Balls. Those were gayer than Liberace and Paul Lynde on Fire Island during Pride Week. :smt102
User avatar

GOSD

Everybody lies!

Postby GOSD » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:30 am

End of an era.

Time to buy some Hostess and put them in the freezer.

Buy some Chocodiles before it's too late, Jude!!! :shock:
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misac

Outhouse Editor

Postby misac » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:32 am

:lol:

Little Debbie is better anyway. :P
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S.F. Jude Terror

OMCTO

Postby S.F. Jude Terror » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:36 am

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
User avatar

habitual

Silly French Man

Postby habitual » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:52 am

This will last all of 5 minutes.

A bunch of executives just trying to play hardball with a bakers union.

Someone will eventually by the brand and it will be rebooted.

Hab
User avatar

bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:54 am

habitual wrote:This will last all of 5 minutes.

A bunch of executives just trying to play hardball with a bakers union.

Someone will eventually by the brand and it will be rebooted.

Hab


52 flavors of twinkies.
User avatar

sdsichero

2k11 Outhouse People's Champion

Postby sdsichero » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:22 pm

S.F. Jude Terror wrote:NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


Ah he lives. I thought you were too broken up to write this article.
User avatar

Rockman

Rain Partier

Postby Rockman » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:25 pm

habitual wrote:This will last all of 5 minutes.

A bunch of executives just trying to play hardball with a bakers union.

Someone will eventually by the brand and it will be rebooted.

Hab


Someone will buy the brand, move operations to mexico or canada and all those union schmucks will be left destitute on the street.
User avatar

LoganRSA

FROGMAN

Postby LoganRSA » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:25 pm

bkthomson wrote:
52 flavors of twinkies.


It could work!
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Lord Ice

Motherfucker from Hell

Postby Lord Ice » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:34 pm

habitual wrote:This will last all of 5 minutes.

A bunch of executives just trying to play hardball with a bakers union.

Someone will eventually by the brand and it will be rebooted.

Hab



Better hurry. Even their website just has the report of them being shut down.

http://hostessbrands.com/Closing.aspx
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bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:36 pm

Wait, what will State Fairs deep fry????

Oh, never mind I just passed a Deep Fry Lard stand.
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alaska1125

dINGO

Postby alaska1125 » Fri Nov 16, 2012 3:39 pm

Image

R.I.P.
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TimDrake'sDumbWings

Motherfucker from Hell

Postby TimDrake'sDumbWings » Fri Nov 16, 2012 3:55 pm

Fuck that. Tastykakes DESTROY anything Hostess have ever put out.

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