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Police Hunt for Thief Who Stole 600 X-Men Comics

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Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:44 am

Police Hunt for Thief Who Stole 600 X-Men Comics

Residents of a small Nebraska town are shocked and dismayed after 600 X-Men comics were stolen from a communal storage area.

Source: Robot 6

Robot 6's Comics AM reports on this story out of Lincoln, Nebraska, where Emily Hansen, a girl, claims that 600 X-Men comic books Hansen was "keeping for a friend" were stolen from a communal storage area in her apartment complex over the weekend. The comics were considered to be very valuable, as, statistically, a collection of 600 X-Men comics contains no less than six rebooted #1 issues, which have been known to retain their value beyond the initial gimmick.

"We're very upset," said one resident, who declined to be identified by name on the grounds that comics are for nerds. "You expect this kind of thing to happen in New York City, a cesspool of crime and ethnicity, but not in a small town like Lincoln."

Police are investigating the theft, but have declined to release the names of any suspects. Lincoln, Nebraska has a population of 27, with one of those people being the victim, three more being police officers, and a fifth being a cow named Bessie who is known for being able to perform addition and subtraction by stamping her hoof on the ground, so the list must be pretty short. An early lead in the case turned out to be a dud when the most likely suspect turned out to be the victim himself.

"We arrested the town's resident fat virgin immediately," said police chief Roscoe P. Coltraine, "but it turns out he was the owner of the comics. The story that he was on speaking terms with a woman who was willing to keep his comics for him seemed suspicious at first, but it checked out. It turns out she is her sister, which reduces the chances that the two could ever become lovers by at least 25%. Here in Nebraska, we mildly frown upon incest between siblings. Ayup."

Well, here at The Outhouse, we take offense to the implications by the Lincoln, Nebraska police department that the only people who would steal comics are fat losers. Comic book fans are a diverse group of people, just like any other group, with interests other than comic books, such as politics, or even sports.

No, really. We talk about sports all the time in the Outhouse NewsroomTM,  a super elite Skype chat where the Outhouse staff and blog groupies hang out. Here's an example of a conversation that occurred on Friday night between this reporter, Outhouse Senior Media Correspondent Royal Nonesuch, and The Nacireman, Outhouse contributor and proprietor of Shirts With Random Triangles, a blog that we at the Outhouse support, recommend, syndicate on the site, and are pretty sure has something to do with college sports.:

[1/4/13 8:41:26 PM] The Nacireman: Did I mention Manziel wears no. 2

[1/4/13 8:41:41 PM] The Nacireman: Just like Matty Ice?

[1/4/13 8:42:47 PM] The Nacireman: Game over. Aggies win

[1/4/13 8:44:00 PM] Jude Terror: Man zeal. (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:43:01 PM] The Nacireman: 41-13

[1/4/13 8:45:09 PM] Royal Nonesuch: (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:46:07 PM] The Nacireman: I'm gonna have to post some of his performances on the field this season.

[1/4/13 8:49:02 PM] The Nacireman: Check this out

[1/4/13 8:51:01 PM] Jude Terror: "post some of his performances" (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:51:15 PM] The Nacireman: I said on the field!

[1/4/13 8:51:36 PM] Jude Terror: "on the 'field'" (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:51:49 PM] Royal Nonesuch: (laughs) (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:52:11 PM] The Nacireman: (angry)

[1/4/13 8:52:38 PM] Jude Terror: (laughs)

[1/4/13 8:53:54 PM] Jude Terror: I'm going to use that entire exchange in a news article on Monday on a tangent talking about how The Outhouse writers discuss sports in the news room.

[1/4/13 8:56:20 PM] The Nacireman: It's sad you're missing out on seeing the future of football.

The Outhouse promises to keep you updated on any developments in the comic book theft, and we hope that the perpetrator of this disgusting crime is brought to swift justice, preferably involving a bare bottom spanking.

Written or Contributed by Jude Terror

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Postby dairydead » Mon Jan 07, 2013 1:08 pm

Jokes on him when he gets to Austen's run.
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S.F. Jude Terror


Postby S.F. Jude Terror » Mon Jan 07, 2013 2:05 pm

dairydead wrote:Jokes on him when he gets to Austen's run.

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Outhouse Drafter

Postby Grayson » Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:31 pm

At first, I was naturally inclined to believe that those Duke boys were up to no good again down in Hazzard county but now I am more inclined to believe that Emily Hansen knows a little bit more about the disappearance of these comics than she is telling us. She claims that she was "keeping them for a friend" but I suspect that she may have discovered that some of those books were rather valuable.

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