The Outhouse trumps all other Star Wars rumors. Suck it, rest of the internet!
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Walt Disney Company, the multimedia conglomorate that, last year, advanced its quest for complete world domination by purchasing Lucasfilm and, along with it, the rights to Star Wars, the holy grail of all nerd properties, announced today that it would be purchasing the Large Hadron Collider, a Swiss doomsday device, and using it to create an entire new universe and populate it with the characters, locations, and history of the Star Wars movies and expanded universe.
The announcement comes immediately after several rumors with absolutely no basis in fact hit the web yesterday and were immediately believed by the entire internet, despite there being no proof whatsoever. The rumors, which were speculation on the details of two Star Wars spin-off movies actually announced Tuesday by Disney overlord Bob Iger, are the latest in a long series of semi-weekly speculation, fan-wank, and pure, unadulterated hit-baiting articles that have fueled the media cycle in the geek blogosphere nonstop since Disney's acquisition of the rights occurred back in October.
Entertainment Weekly claimed that the two movies would be Boba Fett and Han Solo stories, while Ain't It Cool News said one of the movies would focus on Yoda. Outhouse reporter Zechs claimed to have information from an industry insider saying Jar Jar Binks would be getting his own movie, which would also be a remake of Song of the South. But none of this was based on any evidence. It just sounded cool, and everyone wanted to believe it.
And that's not even the first time the internet has so quickly and easily bought into an absolutely baseless rumor. The whole DC Comics Justice League movie, which has no launch date, no director, no screenwriter, and no official statements from Warner Bros. confirming its existence, was completely made up by the internet, and the goddamned thing has a page on IMDB!
It's a real thing! We willed it into being!
Recognizing the discovery of the godlike power of creation, Walt Disney Company immediately copyrighted the ability and announced that it would be using it create the Walt Disney Star Wars UniverseTM Walt Disney Company 2013-Infinity in full 1:1 scale with actual organic and robotic life, using their newly purchased atom smasher and science, which, by the way, works exactly like it does on television and in the movies.
"I'm a fucking god!" proclaimed Iger, making the announcment via a secret telepathic conference call with Disney shareholders to which the Outhouse was not invited. However, The Outhouse was able to obtain a recording of the call using computer hacking, which also, by the way, works exactly like it does on television and in the movies. Thanks to our 1337 hax0r skills, The Outhouse is exclusively breaking this rumor, which means that, according to internet law, all other sites that post Star Wars articles this week have to link to us. But we digress.
"We're not really sure what we're going to do with the universe once we've created it," Iger continued. "I mean, in theory we could use technolgy and weapons from the Star Wars universe to conquer the Earth, but that would be kind of anti-climactic, wouldn't it?"
"I'll probably take a few years off and find myself," Iger mused. "Then I'll make Toy Story 4."
"Because nothing says 'god-like powers' like making childrens' movies that make grown adults cry," he finished.
Star Wars Episode 7, which is the only movie anyone not working for Disney really knows anything about at all, will hit theaters in June 2015.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!