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Walking Dead Makes Convincing Argument for Gun Rights (Spoilers)

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Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:29 pm

Walking Dead Makes Convincing Argument for Gun Rights (Spoilers)

AMC's popular survival horror drama took a surprising political stance last night.

While most of liberal Hollywood has been busy preaching about gun control, AMC's The Walking Dead is not afraid to go against the grain. On last night's episode of the series, titled "Home," a firefight ensued between the Prison group and the villainous Governor's group from Woodbury, in which approximately seventeen thousand rounds of ammunition were fired between the two groups from assault weapons, but only two people were hit. The shocking .0001% accuracy shows that, despite what constitution hating liberals and new world order fascists would have people believe, legally available semi-automatic assault weapons do not make it easier to murder multiple people in a killing spree. Apparently, they make it more difficult.

"We're all responsible post-apocalyptic gun owners," said Rick Grimes, a trained former law enforcement officer and leader of the group of survivors at the prison, as he drew his gun and shot three approaching zombies in the center of the forehead in quick succession. "As you can see, I'm a very accurate shot with a handgun when fighting zombies. But when it comes to firing a scoped rifle at stationary human targets from a prone position, I can't fucking hit shit."

As we continued our conversation, a group of eleven starving zombies jumped out of the woods behind Rick. Without even turning around, Rick aimed his pistol over his shoulder and shot all eleven zombies right in the head, never missing. One of his shots even took out two zombies, going right through the skull of one to pierce the brain of another behind it. "It doesn't matter how accurate a shot a person is," Rick told us as he drew a knife out of his belt and threw it thirty yards, easily dispatching another zombie. "If it's legitimate murder, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

"Liberals would have you believe that the availability of semi-automatic weapons with thirty round magazine clips make it easier for the mentally ill to go on killing rampages and murder dozens of innocent victims before police can even respond," said The Governor, the bloodthirsty, psychopathic leader of Rick's opponents in Woodbury. "But as you can see, that's not the case. When trying to shoot at a human being with an assault rifle, even the most deadly soldier becomes completely incompetent. This has been proven over and over."

Despite the testimony of a former sheriff who frequently experiences hallucinatory visions and a revenge-crazed lunatic who keeps the heads of his victims in fish tanks, some panty-waist liberals are still unconvinced. "It's a TV show," said NJ governor and 2011 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion Chris Christie, a notable Democrat. "It's not real."

Not real, is it? We beg to differ. If it was only one TV show, The Outhouse might be willing to concede the point. The Walking Dead is only the latest in a long line of documented video evidence that assault weapons are completely inadequate for murdering human beings. Contemporary shows like Person of Interest, and older shows like 24The A-Team and G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero have been demonstrating man's inability to hit a human target with an assault weapon, even one that shoots lasers, for over three decades.

"Clearly President Obama needs to rethink his position on gun control," said National Rifle Association president, the reanimated corpse of Charlton Heston. "He'll take my guns when he pries them from..."

Heston was unable to finish his statement because a blindfolded Rick, who happened to be running by, without stopping, chasing after an apparition of Lori, his deceased wife, shot the undead movie star right between the eyes from fifty yards away with a single poisonous dart from a tribal blowgun.

Written or Contributed by Jude Terror

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Silly French Man

Postby habitual » Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:22 pm

I think LoLtron's next article should be on aborting zombie stillborns.

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Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:31 pm

habitual wrote:I think LoLtron's next article should be on aborting zombie stillborns.


LOLtron wanted me to pass on a message.


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