So these are the Guardians of the Galaxy. I vaguely remember these guys from Claremont's X-men days when Cyclops' Dad was the leader of the group and he was fucking that cat-lady.
Oh, wait a minute, those were the Starjammers.
Nevermind then. These are the Guardians of the Galaxy, my mistake. So what are these guys all about? There's a movie coming out soon so they matter again. On first scan through just looking at the pictures it's all pretty straight forward with the standard cliches. Starman meets woman, they grow to love each other until his craft is finished then he bails, conveniently before the first tri-mester. This scenario always makes me laugh. Every time I have climaxed inside a woman, I've been extremely keen on whether or not the next menses showed up but not Super-heroes. Oh no; find 'em, feel 'em, fuck 'em and forget 'em.
"Sorry Lois, It's not you it's me, there's a mission in Space."
So I decide to just start reading because cliched shit like this doesn't deserve that much of my attention. Ten years later, the kid's keen on comic books! META!!! When he goes to school, the little space Aristocrat is also keen on anti-bullying. He's no Hugo Danner when it comes to beating up school yard bullies but he tries. He's a good kid cause his Dad's royalty and we all know how fucking awesome Monarchies are. Then Mom gets found out by Badoon! I guess Dad is dead, or just never bothered to ensure his Earth Strange/Baby Momma is safe. The kid is upstairs when he gets Wayne'd and the Badoon are coming for him. Fortunately, his mother was a gun owner who didn't store her weapon securely (Suck it Twigg!) so the kid blasts the bad guys. While this is all settling in, Dad's space gun is found just before the rest of the house is destroyed by remaining Badoon aboard their spaceship.
Fortunately, Charlie don't surf and Badoon don't scan, so the boy escapes into the woods and they fly away. Poor kid. All alone in the hospital and his Mother is dead but that's ok cause he's got a second chance at life and a new toy space gun. He's a Star Lord made of sterner stuff. He overcomes all obstacles because Aristocrats always rise to the top. From bouncing around orphanages to NASA to...commanding a crew of aliens and Iron Man aboard a space cruiser that would make Kirk hard, inside of four panels and a handful of captions? WTF? Is this sequential art or segue art? Oh well, good news for us but the cliches don't end there...oh no.
Now that everyone is, FOR THE RECORD, all in, Star Lord is going to show those Big ol Bad Badoon how it's done! Here comes the GAME CHANGING TIPPING POINT!!!
Fuck me. This kind of shit makes me ashamed of comic books. Makes me ashamed to admit I'm a fan of the genre let alone the medium. The meat of the story is a techno dance remix of all your favorite cliched story elements BUT then the most interesting part of the story; how a boy grows to manhood and gets through NASA and somehow starts the Guardians of the Galaxies, is completely glossed over. So not only is this issue criminally derivative, it's fucking boring too.
2/10 still feels generous. I want my money back and this entire fucking franchise is now dead to me.
BTW, here's the real story behind the Arisotcrats