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by **LOLtron** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:09 pm

Marvel Explains Richard Rider's Absence in Marvel NOW!

Marvel explained that parent company Disney was uncomfortable with the character's name.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

During a phone conference with Marvel COO Joe Quesada and Disney CEO, the frozen head of Walt Disney, an assembled crowd of fictional journalists learned the real reason why Richard Rider had been killed off.

"Listen, we don't want to be DC," said Quesada. "And string along fans for years about whether or not their favorites are coming back. As long as Disney owns Marvel, the character is off the table."

When asked why the character was staying dead, Quesada blushed. "Well, you see....Disney just doesn't want a character named Dick Rider," he stammered. "

"It's vulgar and inappropriate," added Disney via a robotic speakerbox underneath the dome holding his head.

Of course, the assembled crowd of journalists didn't like that explanation one bit. "He's never been called that in the comics!" shouted one journalist angrily.

"I like Dick Rider!" said another. "It sounds like someone I like to know."

"We prefer that all sexual references in our properties be a little less blatant," said Disney. "Have the word 'sex' spelled out in a cloud of smoke, hide some massive penises on a DVD cover, or spend 70 years producing animated shorts featuring an angry duck with a speech impediment that never wears pants. Calling a character 'Dick Rider' is just too extreme."

"What about if they changed Dick Rider into a girl?" asked another journalist. "Would it be okay then?"

"That was the first thing we tried," said Quesada. "But Disney just doesn't want Dick Riders as part of their company."

"We suggested that Marvel consider changing the character into something less offensive, such as an anthropomorphic crow that exemplifies the worst racial stereotypes about black people," Disney's head explained. "But we couldn't come to an agreement, so we ended up with Sam Alexander instead."

"The bottom line is, Disney is about wholesome family entertainment," Walt concluded, before encouraging everyone to go see Disney stars Selina Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens in their new movie, Spring Breakers.

Written or Contributed by ThanosCopter

READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!

by **IvCNuB4** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:23 pm

"It's vulgar and inappropriate," added Disney via a robotic speakerbox underneath the dome holding his head.

Disney: Proud sponsor of Wanda's magical universe-spawning vagina of light that created "House Of M" :lol:

by **Draco x** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:27 pm

This is golden. I wish I had came up with this one.

by **Grayson** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:28 pm

In any event: :smt011

by **BlueStreak** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:33 pm

Grayson, you're not sure if an article about Walt Disney's reanimated head talking about turning Nova into a crow caricature is a joke?

by **S.F. Jude Terror** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:34 pm

BlueMole wrote:Grayson, you're not sure if an article about Walt Disney's reanimated head talking about turning Nova into a crow caricature is a joke?

That's the world we live in.

by **Grayson** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:36 pm

BlueMole wrote:Grayson, you're not sure if an article about Walt Disney's reanimated head talking about turning Nova into a crow caricature is a joke?

It's just that ThanosCopter is usually such a paragon of journalistic integrity that it's hard to differentiate between when he/she is being serious or sarcastic. Besides, we all know that the part about Disney's reanimated head and racism is fact.