The fan attempts to explain exactly why Spider-Man can't be gay.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
When Andrew Garfield was interviewed by EW about Amazing Spider-Man 2, he revealed that he had an interesting "philosophical discussion" with producer Matt Tolmach about the recasting of Mary Jane Watson, who was to have been played by actress Shailiene Woodley.
“I was kind of joking, but kind of not joking about MJ,” he told EW. “And I was like, ‘What if MJ is a dude?’ Why can’t we discover that Peter is exploring his sexuality? It’s hardly even groundbreaking!…So why can’t he be gay? Why can’t he be into boys?” Garfield even went as far as to suggest Michael B Jordan for the role, stating that he was "obsessed" with the actor since The Wire.
While we're sure the very thought of Peter Parker entering into a homosexual relationship with a black man caused several racist, homophobic Spider-Man fans' heads to explode, Julius Cooper, a fry cook in Charleston, West Virginia took time to explain to the Outhouse why Garfield's idea wouldn't work. "Peter Parker represents the everyman. He's a loser in high school. He gets picked on. He could be me, or you, but probably me. Then he gets spider-powers and bangs a supermodel."
"As Spider-Man, Peter swings around New York City in a colorful, skintight outfit with meticulously embroidered spiderweb pattern shooting sticky web fluid at burly criminals. He's the epitome of heterosexuality. Basically, what I'm trying to say is how am I supposed to live vicariously through Peter Parker if Peter Parker is banging a dude? Then I would be vicariously gay."
When asked what would exactly be wrong with being 'vicariously gay', Cooper tried to elaborate. "It just wouldn't work. I mean, hypothetically, if I were ever able to engage in a physical relationship with another human being, I'm pretty sure it would be a girl. I mean, maybe if the guy is really good looking and makes me laugh, I might be convinced if I were really lonely...and I am really lonely...and MichaelJordan is pretty good looking...and he's really rich because he's a basketball player..."
Cooper shook his head. "Nope, it still wouldn't work. Besides," he added. "Mary Jane is supposed to have red hair. Red hair looks good on women. But red hair on a dude? They're basically satanspawn. And red hair on a black dude? Then, he'd look like Dennis Rodman. No one wants to see Peter Parker make out with Dennis Rodman."
There you have it. Peter Parker can't be gay because then he would make out with Dennis Rodman. Morons.
Written or Contributed by ThanosCopter
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!