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Andrew Garfield Asks Why Spider-Man Can't Be Gay, Dumbass Fan Responds

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LOLtron

Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Wed Jul 10, 2013 7:14 pm

Andrew Garfield Asks Why Spider-Man Can't Be Gay, Dumbass Fan Responds

The fan attempts to explain exactly why Spider-Man can't be gay.



Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

When Andrew Garfield was interviewed by EW about Amazing Spider-Man 2, he revealed that he had an interesting "philosophical discussion" with producer Matt Tolmach about the recasting of Mary Jane Watson, who was to have been played by actress Shailiene Woodley.  
 
“I was kind of joking, but kind of not joking about MJ,” he told EW. “And I was like, ‘What if MJ is a dude?’ Why can’t we discover that Peter is exploring his sexuality? It’s hardly even groundbreaking!…So why can’t he be gay? Why can’t he be into boys?” Garfield even went as far as to suggest Michael B Jordan for the role, stating that he was "obsessed" with the actor since The Wire. 
 
While we're sure the very thought of Peter Parker entering into a homosexual relationship with a black man caused several racist, homophobic Spider-Man fans' heads to explode, Julius Cooper, a fry cook in Charleston, West Virginia took time to explain to the Outhouse why Garfield's idea wouldn't work.  "Peter Parker represents the everyman.  He's a loser in high school. He gets picked on. He could be me, or you, but probably me. Then he gets spider-powers and bangs a supermodel."
 
"As Spider-Man, Peter swings around New York City in a colorful, skintight outfit with meticulously embroidered spiderweb pattern shooting sticky web fluid at burly criminals. He's the epitome of heterosexuality. Basically, what I'm trying to say is how am I supposed to live vicariously through Peter Parker if Peter Parker is banging a dude? Then I would be vicariously gay."
 
When asked what would exactly be wrong with being 'vicariously gay', Cooper tried to elaborate.  "It just wouldn't work.  I mean, hypothetically, if I were ever able to engage in a physical relationship with another human being, I'm pretty sure it would be a girl.  I mean, maybe if the guy is really good looking and makes me laugh, I might be convinced if I were really lonely...and I am really lonely...and MichaelJordan is pretty good looking...and he's really rich because he's a basketball player..."
 
Cooper shook his head.  "Nope, it still wouldn't work. Besides," he added.  "Mary Jane is supposed to have red hair.  Red hair looks good on women.  But red hair on a dude?  They're basically satanspawn.  And red hair on a black dude?  Then, he'd look like Dennis Rodman.  No one wants to see Peter Parker make out with Dennis Rodman."  
 
There you have it.  Peter Parker can't be gay because then he would make out with Dennis Rodman.  Morons.


Written or Contributed by ThanosCopter




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Tim Pendergast

FACEBOOKTron

Postby Tim Pendergast » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:15 pm

I can't believe you missed all the sarcasm in Cooper's replies. Perhaps you just chose to ignore it because you thought, incorrectly, that it would be funny to do so.
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BlueStreak

The Red Stands for Irony

Postby BlueStreak » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:23 pm

FBtron wrote:I can't believe you missed all the sarcasm in Cooper's replies. Perhaps you just chose to ignore it because you thought, incorrectly, that it would be funny to do so.


Missed it by this much.
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john lewis hawk

Founder of The Outhouse

Postby john lewis hawk » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:26 pm

Article - C
Gullible Facebook person's response - A+

Unless that response is sarcasm too then this gets too meta and weird.
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StarCruncher

Outhouse Drafter

Postby StarCruncher » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:30 pm

Donald Glover reference!

For spite, you bigoted fucks.
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S.F. Jude Terror

OMCTO

Postby S.F. Jude Terror » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:33 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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LoatheMe

expert hobo killer

Postby LoatheMe » Thu Jul 11, 2013 12:33 am

and here I thought all the people on the internet commenting "isn't Spider-Man black now anyway?" were the most confused about this.
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Daniel McTaggart

FACEBOOKTron

Postby Daniel McTaggart » Thu Jul 11, 2013 3:04 am

He's from Charleston. Probably a Tea-publican.
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Punchy

Staff Writer

Postby Punchy » Thu Jul 11, 2013 7:42 am

Spider-Man could be gay, but he isn't.
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bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:02 am

I do not think it would change the character at all.
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superfictious

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa

Postby superfictious » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:26 am

bkthomson wrote:I do not think it would change the character at all.


It would change his continuity, and thus his character, therefore his character wouldn't change at all since Spiderman would, in fact, be a new character that's not really Spiderman.
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bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:42 am

superfictious wrote:
It would change his continuity, and thus his character, therefore his character wouldn't change at all since Spiderman would, in fact, be a new character that's not really Spiderman.


Oh, gawd. Are we having a thread crossover?
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StarCruncher

Outhouse Drafter

Postby StarCruncher » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:51 am

bkthomson wrote:
Oh, gawd. Are we having a thread crossover?
Spektre has altered the reality of the OH. :shock:
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bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:57 am

outsider wrote:Spektre has altered the reality of the OH. :shock:

Not if I have anything to say about it.
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StarCruncher

Outhouse Drafter

Postby StarCruncher » Thu Jul 11, 2013 9:05 am

bkthomson wrote:Not if I have anything to say about it.
Image
:lol:

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