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by **LOLtron** » Mon Sep 30, 2013 2:50 pm

Outhouse Webmaster Sent To Marvel Teaser-holics Anonymous Due To Flashbacks Inspired By

Reports back: harder habit to kick than heroin

Source: Higher - All-New Marvel NOW!

Outhouse Webmaster Jude Terror, has never shied away from his juvenile delinquent past, once going so far as to admit that it wasn’t until early 2000 that he knew it was illegal to kill hobos for crank. Having, somehow, survived the 1990s Mr. Terror has grown (and grown) to become a reasonably responsible adult by raising a family a family of non-gingers and doing something professionally with computers… probably, I don't really know.

I once asked Jude how he went from a gutter dwelling GWAR roadie to where he is now, and his response was, “one day I decided to grow a set and stop being a pussy.”

One would think that a man who has lived the life he’s lived should be able to defeat any addictive habit. One would be wrong. Early this morning, The Outhouse powers that be received an email from Jude’s wife, Mrs. Terror, informing us that due to more than a week straight of being forced to write articles about poorly photoshoped one-word Marvel Comics teasers, Jude has been admitted to WWE’s “Former Talent Rehab Program.”

“Wait,” asked Jeremy Shane, the only writer this reporter could think of on the spot. “When did Jude wrestle for the WWE?”

“He’s fat and an egomaniac,” replied Zechs, dick extraordinaire, “It’s not like WWE would know the difference.”

When reached for clarification, Mrs. Terror provided The Outhousers with video evidence of Jude’s addiction. Please note, due to the rules Google implements in regards to reasonable content, all we are able to provide is a transcript of Jude Terror as he shot up in a fast food restaurant’s bathroom (imagine Morgan Freedman narrating):

"I just need enough to feel well," promised Jude Terror from inside the Krispy Kreme donut shop bathroom where he was crouched over the toilet, preparing to shoot up the latest batch of Marvel teasers. Terror's eyes were sunken and desperate as he tried to tap every last bit of the wax baggies emblazoned with the words "Sinners" and "Higher" into a flithy Sprite bottle cap.

"Shhhhh," he told an imaginary Bamf as he pulled the cap off of a decrepit looking hypodermic needle with his teeth. He tied a dirty shoelace tight around his arm and started slapping at his inner elbow, looking for a useable vein amidst a wasteland of bruises and scar tissue. "Shit. Shit! Come on!"

Finally, Terror hit pay dirt. A few droplets of blood mingled with the cloudy brown liquid in the needle. Terror pulled the plunger back slightly to be sure he was on track and then quickly pushed the teasers into his system.

"Uuuuuuuuuugghhhh," he moaned, relieved.

"I can taste the Kelly Sue DeConnick in there," he slurred. "And there's definitely some David Lopez. I think this is a new Captain Marvel series."

Terror slumped against the wall and his eyes rolled mostly to the back of his head. "I'm okay now," he whispered, barely audibly. "Yeah, that's good stuff."

Upon watching the video, Outhouse Editor in Chief, Christian Hoffer stated “Now I'm really depressed.” But, he works for a bank, and to be honest, he never seems to be in a good mood anymore.

What finally pushed Jude over the edge? Read below…if you dare:

Written or Contributed by GHERU

READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!

by **Juan Cena** » Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:06 pm

I hope Marvel isn't doing a Creed comic book.

And no, I'm not talking about Sabertooth.

by **IvCNuB4** » Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:33 pm

Remember how uncomfortable everyone felt watching that Miley Cyrus performance ? That's how I felt reading this article

by **sdsichero** » Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:39 pm

This also contributed...

The future of All-New #MarvelNOW! is Sinners: http://t.co/PyWndWziH1 @CharlesSoule. @CarloBarberi. #MarvelNYCC pic.twitter.com/HQwhJybnZ6
— Marvel Entertainment (@Marvel) September 30, 2013

by **TimH** » Tue Oct 01, 2013 7:42 am

Maybe they mispelled "Hire"?

Somewhere are there teenaged boys going nuts over these promotions?

I'm waiting for "Lame", a new miniseries about Charles Xavier.

by **Katie Marinelli** » Tue Oct 01, 2013 7:44 am

Considering it's Kelly Sue DeConnick and she said that Captain Marvel wasn't binned despite no word on the next issue and Carol is a big time flyer I'm guessing it's going to be Captain Marvel related

by **Victorian Squid** » Tue Oct 01, 2013 8:06 am

Hey, if your new books aren't selling (because some of them look like they were drawn by an orangutan with a sharpie in his mouth, frankly), relaunch it with the same writer again with EVEN MORE HYPE!!