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With the Federal Regulatory Teaser Committee powerless to stop them, Marvel releases an unprecedented three uninspired teasers for New York Comic Con.
Source: Press Release
With the comic book industry gearing up for New York Comic Con, Marvel has been pumping out their signature brand (read: one or two words with basic photoshop filters applied on a black background) of teasers like nobody's business, putting out one, sometimes even two teasers a day for the past week. However, with the United States government in shutdown thanks to a petty dickwaving contest over whether or not an extremely complicated piece of legislature that doesn't tangibly alter our broken and bloated healthcare system gets implemented or not, Marvel is, for the first time, able to release teasers without any kind of federal oversight. Behaving, of course, with all of the maturity, dignity, and self-control we expect from comic book industry profressionals, the publisher has of course taken advantage of this opportunity to pump out even more of these goddamn things.
"Woohoo!" shouted an exhuberent Marvel Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada as he tossed a pile of poorly photoshopped teasers up in the air in his office. "It's teaser-mania, bro! You want teasers? I got teasers! Have some teasers!"
Quesada pelted us in the shoulder with a teasers, which we're pretty sure is going to leave a mark. Just then, an intern came charging into his office carrying a comically large stack of teasers, at least three feet taller than the intern himself, as teasers slid off the top of the stack and fluttered in the air behind him.
"I've got the latest teasers, boss!" the intern beamed while holding up a black sheet of paper with the word "ASSASSIN" printed in silver font with a reflective gradient. The teaser advertised a creative team of Zeb Wells and Mike Del Mundo. The first names of the creators were typed in proper case, with the last names in all capital letters, proving that someone spent at least sixty seconds designing it.
"Excellent," Quesada cooed, rubbing his hands together. "Send it over to CBR, then wait three hours, then send it out to the other sites. That'll punish all those other sites for not being giant, soulless internet behemoths that shower us with five star reviews in exchange for exclusive early access to this kind of premium material."
Quesada's marketing strategy may appear reckless and immoral, but without federal teaser regulation bodies like the Federal Regulatory Teaser Committee (FRTC), The Department of Internet Comic Book Advertisements (DICBA), and The National Agency for Shittily Photoshopped JPEGs (NASPJPEG) to watch over them, there's nothing holding Marvel back from abusing their ability to create digital images with little to no thought put into them and mass-email them to websites as often as they like. With that in mind, Marvel sent out two teasers titled "ATONEMENT," this morning, one spelling writer Nathan Edmondson's name with the letter "U," and one the right way.
"Do you expect me to waste valuable minutes proofreading the name of the the writer of one of our books?" asked an indignant Quesada when questioned about the misprint. "I've got unlimited access to Thesaurus.com, 80% battery life on my laptop, and a pirated copy of Photoshop CS6 here! I've got more important things to do!"
Quesada quickly hammered out a new teaser featuring the word "BONER" and advertising writer "Brian Miguel Bandis" and artist "Frazer Irvine."
"Get an outer glow effect and maybe some beveling on these letters, stat!" he barked at the intern, who was already sprinting out the door.
"Can I add both a bevel AND an emboss?!" the intern called back from down the hallway.
"What the hell?" Quesada replied, grinning from ear to ear. "Go ahead! Who's gonna stop us?!"
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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