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This week on Supernatural, Castiel adjusted (with moderate success) to life as a human. For those of you who don't remember, in the season eight finale Cas sacrificed his Grace (the thing that makes him an angel, and totally not a metaphor for his virginity) to complete the ritual that expelled all the angels from heaven. Now the angels are out for vengeance, using any means necessary to find Cas.
Cas is having a hard time making his way to the Winchesters and their bunker, because it turns out it’s hard to do that while staying hidden and deal with his newfound Sims Needs Bars. He stays at a church until their priests are killed and he stays at a hobo camp until he has to kill an angel-possessed pharmacist, all while going by the name Clarence. (Hope you got that Frank Capra reference, internet. If not, watch tv this Christmas.) Wisely concluding that he is the focus of these attacks (it’s that kind of thinking that put you in charge of heaven, boy-o!), Cas gets some warding ink to keep off heaven's radar. Because tattoos aren’t like $70 minimum or anything.
Staying stealthy will prove more difficult than it sounds. The angels have eyes everywhere, thanks to a televangelist and his huge audience of loyal followers (you know how the 700 Club knockoffs reel in those viewers). The angel Bartholomew (obviously not Simpson) controls the televangelist and he seems to be directing the attacks on Cas as well. Must be hard to keep his hair that shiny while doing all that work. When Cas's new tattoo proves effective as a ward, the angels turn to a rogue Reaper to get the job done. Bart's advice? Follow the Winchesters and you'll find Cas.
After all, this is Dean and Sam we're talking about. They love Cas - he's practically another Winchester in their book (well, thinking of Adam, that may not be a good thing) - so of course they're looking for him. As an aside, seeing the boys in their suits talking to local law enforcement really made us miss the old monster of the week episodes. The Reaper catches up to them pretty quickly, but finds himself at the wrong end of a Winchester trap. The boys interrogate the Reaper but he doesn't know where Cas is, so they kill him and Zeke uses his angel radar to find the Reaper who is tracking Cas. Guess there were two Reapers? We kind of missed that because shirtless Cas.
Cas, like any man, lets down his defenses for a pretty face. April, who looks a lot like the womaan who played an evil scientist on the last few episodes of Agents of Shield, manages to sneak past his defenses with a roshambo of food, healthcare, and intercourse. (For future reference: Cas's penis will forever be the “Angel Blade.”)
Once April reveals her true purpose (killing Cas), she tortures him for information on the ritual that expelled the angels from heaven. He points out that his key role in the ritual's casting might mean that he could be integral to its retraction, but April doesn't think much of that theory. The moment the Winchesters arrive to save him, she stabs Cas and the internet becomes inconsolable. Zeke (with the assist!) restores Cas to life and Dean has to lie (poorly) to his comrogues about the events that unfolded while they were both unconscious.
Back at the Batcave, Cas brags about his sexual conquest and the bros share a happy moment. You know this is short-lived, it has to be. When has Supernatural ever been the story of things turning out okay? Right on cue, Zeke issues an ultimatum: it's Cas or him. Remember, if Zeke leaves Sam's body then Sam would die. Guess who Dean picks?
Next week: SAD CAS IS SO SAD YOU GUYS.
Written or Contributed by The Resident and Dr. Improbable
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