The Aliens vs. Parker trade paperback will be in stores tomorrow, but fans of massive alien penises may find themselves... wait for it... cockblocked.
The trade paperback for ALIENS VS. PARKER goes on sale tomorrow, co-written by comedian Paul Scheer (FX Networks' "The League," Adult Swim's "NTSF:SD:SUV::") with comedy writing partner Nick Giovannetti and artist Manual Bracchi, but, despite the best efforts of the creative team, the pages you see will not be what they originally envisioned. Why? Because of the tyrannical censorship of puritanical publisher BOOM! Studios!
ALIENS VS. PARKER is billed as a wacky tale about a crew of slackers in outer space who are sent to deliver a mysterious package to one of the most dangerous planets in the galaxy. Scheer describes the book as "kinda like Shaun of the Dead with Aliens and dick jokes." But when one of those jokes involved showing the giant penis of a rampaging alien, the editorial staff at BOOM! said "no way!"
And so, joining the ranks of great works of literature like The Catcher in the Rye, The Grapes of Wrath, Ulysses, and Uncle Tom's Cabin that have been some of the most banned or censored in history, here is what happened to ALIENS VS. PARKER:
As a result of this egregious violation of the First Amendment rights of this comic book, readers may have never known just exactly what Scheer and Giovannetti had planned for the penis.
The Outhouse sat down with Paul Scheer and Nick Giovannetti for a pounding, two on one interview to dig in deep and get to the bottom of this rapidly growing controversy:
Did you guys have an idea in mind for what the alien penis would look like, or did you tell Manual Bracchi to come up with a bunch of concepts so you could pick the best one?
PAUL: We worked for 7 years on creating an alien dick, When we finally got it right, we realized, no one should ever see it, because it was too perfect, so we censored it for your own good.
NICK: Ridley Scott and H.R. Giger's take on alien genitalia was too abstract for my liking. They made everything look like a dick, but then never showed one. My plan was for no subtlety whatsoever. Sadly no we didn't really have time for concepts.
What made you decide to go with traditional genitalia. Why not penis tails, like in Avatar, or maybe a corkscrew penis like a duck? If it was unusual enough, you might have gotten away with it without BOOM noticing.
NICK: I think it has to look kinda human to sell the joke otherwise people won't know what they are looking at. There was no chance of getting away with it. As soon as we said it was a penis we were done for. It didn't matter what it looked like. I made my editor's life hell arguing about it. In the end I do think the black bars turned out funny so we lucked out.
PAUL: What makes you think it’s traditional. The black bars are their to make you come up with your own image. We liked the idea that your mind would create a better dick than we ever could and you’ve already proven us right.
What about a hydra dick? If you cut off one of its heads, would three more take its place?
PAUL: Where were you when we were writing. Marvel should buy the rights to this character right away.
NICK: Hydra dick might be me new favorite thing and yes 3 more would have to take it's place.
Have you thought about setting up a Kickstarter to get the penis its own spinoff book? I imagine you'd be pretty limited in terms of penis-themed rewards, but maybe a top level backer could get a life size statue of the penis or something. Honestly, that would be no less embarrassing to display in your living room than one of those busts of Batman that I see for sale at my local comic shop.
NICK: One man's art is another man's dildo.
PAUL: Limited Penis themed rewards? clear you haven’t explored the internet. There are no limits to penis themed rewards. By the way, it’s so funny that these are the same questions my Mom asked me about the book.
Obviously, you're influenced by the work of Alan Moore, who blazed the trail for giant naked penises in comics all the way back in Watchmen. What would you say are some of your other favorite penises in comics, film, or literature?
NICK: Oh for sure, we definitely stand in the shadow of a giant blue penis. It's hard to top Watchmen. I tell you what dick i don't like in comics and it's whoever decided to get rid of Wally West. Barry Allen is the worst.
PAUL: I guess now is a good time to tell you that this book is all a ruse, this is an intervention. Your editor thinks you are obsessed with dicks and needs you to stop focusing your interviews on penises. I’m sorry I had to break it to you. Now, let’s talk about the great Labia designs in our book.
After that revealing interview, one thing is clear. Not only does ALIENS VS. PARKER deserve an Eisner next year, but so does The Outhouse for its outstanding journalism skills. Just hand them over, Eisner committee. You can't fight progress.
ALIENS VS. PARKER is in comic shops tomorrow, though you can order it on Amazon right now. Below, find a totally SFW eleven page preview:
Aliens Vs. Parker TP
Writer(s): Paul Scheer, Nick Giovannetti
Artist(s): Manuel Bracchi
GAME OVER Set in the not so distant future, a group of SpaceEx employees spend their days doing what they always do: loading and unloading cargo all over the universe and playing video games. That is, until they have to deliver a ‘classified’ package to the most dangerous planet in the galaxy. The ragtag team of slackers, malcontents, and gamers must put all their skills (or lack thereof) to the test if they want to survive.
From comedian Paul Scheer (Adult Swim’s NTSF:SD:SUV::) and writer Nick Giovannetti, with art by rising star Manuel Bracchi, comes a scifi action comedy perfect for fans of Shaun of the Dead and alien farts.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!