The couple called it quits, citing "irreconcilable differences about teen comic book heroines."
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Douglas and Natalie Shea of Little Rock, Arkansas have been happily for twenty-six years, but their union came to an end today thanks to a Valentine's Day card clipped from the back of DC's Young Romance: The New 52 Valentine's Day Special comic book. Natalie chose a card featuring her husband's favorite character, Batgirl, unaware of the fact that DC had replaced Douglas's preferred Batgirl, the blonde and spunky Stephanie Brown, with Barbara Gordon, a ginger harlot. Furious at what he called a "complete breakdown in communication," Douglas immediately left the house the couple have lived together in for fifteen years and filed for divorce.
"If Nattie doesn't realize that Stephanie is the only girl who should wear the cowl, then we're just not compatible," read the court filing. "I mean, if the card had featured Cass instead, I could maybe have forgiven her. But not Barbara. Never Barbara. I feel like I don't even know her anymore"
"My client ranks Barbara Gordon a distant third on the list of acceptable Batgirls," said Mr. Shea's lawyer at a press conference this morning. "When neither Stephanie Brown nor Cassandra Cain are being used in any capacity in the NuDCU, there's no excuse for having Gordon in the costume, and a partner of twenty-six years should be well aware of this fact."
The news came as a shock to the couple's two children, Donna and Wally, ages 14 and 17 respectively. "I feel like this is my fault," said a tearful Wally in a candid interview. "Last month, Dad noticed that I had ordered the first issue of Constantine on DCBS, and he was livid. He said that Dan Didio and DC management were cannibalizing Vertigo, and that I was spitting on the grave of the recently canceled Hellblazer series. If I hadn't made him so upset, maybe this thing with the Batgirl valentine wouldn't have pushed him over the edge."
Despite DC executives allegedly considering Brown and Cain to be "toxic" characters, fans of the two have relentlessly campaigned for their return to prominence, complaining loudly online, organizing protests, and even sending breakfast foods to the office of DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio. Despite the support, DC has refused to bring back the characters, causing emotional anguish for thousands of fans. The Sheas' marriage is only the latest casualty.
"They seemed so happy together," said neighbor Agnes McNilly, a busybody. "I used to watch them from my house through their living room and kitchen windows, and they always seemed to get along. I never saw them fight. It's heartbreaking to learn that such a strong relationship could be destroyed so quickly by the irresponsibility of a major comic book publisher."
"And have you seen Candace Fisher from down the street lately?" added McNilly. "She says she's been doing yoga, but I'm positive she had some work done."
Natalie Shea was too distressed to speak to us at press time, but her sister Beulah told us that she was dealing with the breakup with the full support of her entire family, with the exception of her cousin Fred, who is also a Steph Brown fan, and who finds her actions reprehensible. DC Comics refused to comment on the story, but a source inside the company tells us that Jim Lee and Geoff Johns laughed for "a full ten minutes" when they learned that their personal vendetta against the beloved characters had caused real damage to one of their readers. "Hahahahaha," Lee and Johns are reported to have said.
The Outhouse will keep you updated on this developing story. If you would like to send your support or well wishes to the Shea family, send an email to ComicsAreSeriousBusiness@gmail.com
You can view all 18 DC Valentines here.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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