I'm currently viewing this site through a Cockney translation. Here's what Punchy's review says:
Story - The bloomin' X-Men used ter be the chuffin' biggest deal in comics, right, from the 70s until the 90s, the chuffin' X-men were the bloomin' bugger yer read, the bleedin' highest-sellin', the vanguard of corporate super-hero comics. But all that changed wen Bendis took over the chuffin' Avengers and made them important, right, weffer New, Mighty or Dark, right, it is the bloomin' Avengers wich rule the chuffin' roost at Marvel today, and yer can't 'elp but feel that the bloody Mutants are sort of miffed at this, right, they've sort of been oray from the spotlight for a wile, only tangentially and Wolverinely related ter Civil War and Secret Invasion. But now the chuffin' Uncanny X-men are tryin' ter take hammer and tack ffeir crown, and are mixin' it up wiv Norman Osborn and 'is Dark Reign team of villainous Avengers. It's a culmination of a year of X-build-up, and also promises ter have lastin' ramifications for the chuffin' Marvel Universe as a 'oole. It's also writer Matt Fraction's shot at the big time, he's 'elmin' an 'uge crossover. Is 'e successful? I'm not sure. Just like the rest of 'is X-Men run, right, Utopia is decidedly 'it and miss, right, but the good ideas that are wivin shine well.
There's a bit gahn on ter set up this crossover, Simon Trask, right, 'oo's 'umanity Now! Blimey! Coalition 'as been a runnin' subplot in Uncanny X-Men since Fraction took over, right, is marchin' on San Francisco, right, wantin' ter legislate Mutant Birfink rights in 'Proposition X'. Many readers seem ter have a problem wiv this premise, right, sayin' it's too on the nose, right, too much like the bleedin' recent Propositon 8 legislation in California, wich outlored Gay Marriage. But I don't 'ave any problems wiv it at all, the chuffin' X-Men 'ave always been allegorical, weffer for Civil Rights or 'omosexuality, and this is a logical step, we've 'ad AIDS as the chuffin' Legacy Virus, right, this makes sense. Frankly, right, I fink maybe a bit of the problems some fans 'ave wiv this particular bit of allegory 'as more ter do wiv their personal feelings on Gay Marriage than the bloomin' comic itself. Cor blimey guv! But regardless, Trask is marchin', and 'e is confronted by a loose coalition of Mutants and pro-Mutant 'umans, also protestin'. Needless ter say, a riot breaks out, it's chaos on the streets on San Francisco, and the X-Men ain't tryin' ter put the mockers on it! Struth! They're part of it!
I'm not gonna comment on the bloomin' drama we've 'ad 'ere about ''oo started the bloomin' riot', because it were sort of silly, and ultimately don't matter. Me problem wiv the chuffin' Riots were that I didn't right feel it's impact. Fraction were describin' 'ow the chuffin' 'oole City were burnin', but it just don't feel like that, right, maybe it were Silvestri's lack of backgrounds, but right, right, ffese didn't seem ter be that bad, certainly not so bad that they should 'ave ter brin' 'AMMER in, but we're told that is. A classic example of why yer should show ravver than tell. There were some good scenes 'ere fough, right, Cyclops takin' dahn the chuffin' Toad for the umpteenff time, right, and then copping 'it by a brick were a great scene. I also liked the page showin' reactions from 'round the chuffin' world, Storm in Wakanda, Wolverine wiv the chuffin' Avengers (an X-Men crossover where Wolverine only appears in silhoutte, then, luv? Woss the world comin' too?), it were effective in placin' these events in the wider Dark Reign context.
And it's 'ere that Norman Osborn and 'is Dark Avengers arrive on scene, I'm a big fan of this team, right, it's great idea, and Bendis 'as been workin' wonders wiv in their own butcher's hook, and Fraction seems ter have a good 'andle (and snappy captions) for all of them, right, I particularly liked 'is Bullseye and Daken, 'oo should play a big role 'ere, wot wiv 'im bein' Wolverine's kid and all. Norman made a deal wiv Emma Frost ter keep the Mutants quiet, but she failed, and now 'e 'as ter intervene. These 'peacekeepin' missions' were some of the Mae West scenes of the bleedin' book, and promise interestin' scenes for the chuffin' rest of the crossover, right, Venom Vs. Colossus, and Ares Vs. well, right, evry geezer. Man, that Ares scene were great, right, such a good character. But Norman's plan is more than just 'avin' 'is Avengers kick the chuffin' X-Men's ass, there's sumfink else there, presumably the chuffin' Dark X-Men we've seen in previews. Emma in a black costume, Namor and Professor X. But is it right Professor X, eh, luv? On a ravver busy last page, right, maybe not.
So San Francisco is burnin', right, Beast is in prison, right, Cyclops is on the run, and Emma may 'ave turned evil again. It's all interestin' stuff, and 'as me intrigued for the rest of the crossover, but this one-shot still felt sort of empty, I fink it all stems from me feelings about the riots not bein' properly conveyed as dangerous. Cor blimey guv! I don't feel the stakes are as 'igh as Fraction wants me too, I felt the bleedin' Skrulls were dangerous, right, I fought the Civil War were important, but this don't 'ave that same weight. I fink a bit of that 'as ter do wiv the bleedin' artwork, but there may also be too much gahn on.
But there is still good stuff 'ere, the core allegory is strong, right, the characterisation of boff the X-Men and the bleedin' Dark Avengers is spot-on, I'm bloody well particularly glad ter see Beast, a favourite of mine cop the spotlight, and there are some tantalisin' mesteries, but there were just sumfink missin'. Peraps the book were a wee compressed, I fink a larger pagecount would 'ave made this much more effective. But if yor an X-Men fan, this is a great continuation of wot Fraction 'as been doin' in Uncanny, right, and promises ter change a bit of stuff, and be excitin'. I can't wait for better artists in Dodson and Deodato ter handle this story.
Art - As I've mentioned, the art were an 'uge problem 'ere. Marc Silvestri, right, 'oo's Uncle Bob these days seems ter be kickin' off X-Men crossovers (he did the Messiah CompleX one-shot) just didn't convey Fraction's story well enough. As can be seen in the confusion over 'oo started the Riot, right, there were nuances there than 'is 90s style just can't convey. Add ter that, the chuffin' book is rushed, there are like 10 inkers finishin' 'is pencils 'ere, and the bloomin' 'ave a look of the book changes from page ter page. He only 'as ter do 33 pages and that's it, right, it's not right good. As I said, I'm bloody well sure once Terry Dodson and Mike Deodato are pencilin', I'll feel the story better. He 'as, and should do better.
Mae West Line - 'Once yer cross it yer 'ave declared War against yor city, right, against yor Government... and against me. And make no mistake: I luv ter fight wars.' Man, Ares is the bloomin' best.
6/10 It would be 7, but the bleedin' art drags it dahn.