IMAGE UNITED #1
Didn't even look at comics in the '90s, but I've owned most of that Image stuff at one time or another and couldn't make it through most of it.
I always wonder--how did these people make so much filthy lucre for this stuff?! It was and is awful wanky crap--I STILL don't know who any of these characters are or what their powers are...they're always talking about their mysterious suits, or firing 6 guns at once but rarely hitting anything, or they have fake robot eyes strapped over their regular eyes...their costumes always look impractical, or downright painful in the case of Witchboobs or whatever her name is.
** Ok, someone help me out with this one panel--when the guy in the suit is fighting the shark-guy in tightpants, there is a thing in the lower-left corner of the panel that LOOKS like a small bale of straw with a beak on a muscleman body--WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!
Sorry, I had to get that out while I was looking at it here. The "jam" style--it even sounds like it's from the '90s--must be a lot more fun to do than read. What a waste of time and money sending this crap back-and-forth across the country when it looks like they could have done it in a half-hour if they were all in one place.
The clueless narration is like a parody of a clueless narration: How did I get here? Who am I again? Where did I get this hot dog? Is this the beginning...of my lunch break? The plotless plot plods along until Dark Spawn appears. It seems like a good ending point (please let it end) but then jarringly switches over to a very unpleasant-looking Savage Dragon page. I still can't look at it without cringing. Then back to the guy in the suit who says "We are all going to die!"
At that point, the comic is at an end, but there is no "to be continued" or "Next issue: They All Die!!" and since I already thought it ended when Dark Spawn said something vaguely menacing and final, I was a bit confused by the Haunt pages for a second. Is Haunt a member of the Image United soccer team too? I dunno. Nah, it's just some stuff I don't intend to read. The art in IU did make Haunt look good, tho.
The "Origins" page is about what you'd expect, and fails to answer the question of why the hell anyone liked any of this stuff in the first place, something I apparently will just never understand. Sure, it sounds great to have a company of creator-owned properties, but if they are all utter shit that looks like crap I doodled on my notebook in the 8th grade then so what?