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Shannon's Zuda Rejection

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Muppetesque
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Postby Muppetesque » Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:44 pm

jeremiahvedder wrote:Why was this rejected?


Clearly I'm not with Zuda nor would I have any knowledge, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it was because based on the eight pages submitted your project seems kind of meh.

Getting to the nitty gritties: Shannon, your artwork is amazing - it's a higher caliber than some of what I saw glancing at Zuda's page. Page layouts are clear and the sequential storytelling works well. Artwork is *not* the issue.

One problem I do see is with the dialogue... there's very little sense of character in the script... each person should have a unique voice... reading this there is one voice and it is fairly flat. It shows nothing of your writing skills or your ability to handle dialogue.

Your biggest challenge however is that the eight page sequential sample you gave them does little to show how your work is something fresh and new. Based on your eight pages your story is a sergeant gets dropped in with his men into a situation they didn't expect. It reads of the same basic through line of most military conspiracy kind of stories... While I don't expect that is where you are headed with this story, in these eight pages you do nothing to reveal *how* your take will be different. I see no compelling reason to read this over say Sgt Rock, Nick Fury and his Howling commandos, etc.

If you want to make a strong pitch, I'd recommend selecting the sequence in your story that best reveals what your concept is about... both thematically and plot wise -- Something with action and some dialogue. Select something that sells *why* your story will be worth reading. I'll bet your work gets more attention from them if you package it better.
eyp wrote:you should start following nerdygirl's advice.

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Postby shannonh » Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:38 pm

nerdygirl wrote:Clearly I'm not with Zuda nor would I have any knowledge, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it was because based on the eight pages submitted your project seems kind of meh.

Getting to the nitty gritties: Shannon, your artwork is amazing - it's a higher caliber than some of what I saw glancing at Zuda's page. Page layouts are clear and the sequential storytelling works well. Artwork is *not* the issue.

One problem I do see is with the dialogue... there's very little sense of character in the script... each person should have a unique voice... reading this there is one voice and it is fairly flat. It shows nothing of your writing skills or your ability to handle dialogue.

Your biggest challenge however is that the eight page sequential sample you gave them does little to show how your work is something fresh and new. Based on your eight pages your story is a sergeant gets dropped in with his men into a situation they didn't expect. It reads of the same basic through line of most military conspiracy kind of stories... While I don't expect that is where you are headed with this story, in these eight pages you do nothing to reveal *how* your take will be different. I see no compelling reason to read this over say Sgt Rock, Nick Fury and his Howling commandos, etc.

If you want to make a strong pitch, I'd recommend selecting the sequence in your story that best reveals what your concept is about... both thematically and plot wise -- Something with action and some dialogue. Select something that sells *why* your story will be worth reading. I'll bet your work gets more attention from them if you package it better.



I know what you mean.

This is a really great story that I was excited to show, but too paranoid to give up the main plot. This was a "safe" scene to show and I was hoping it would make it.

I'm going all out on the one I'm doing now.

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Postby Muppetesque » Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:41 pm

shannonh wrote:I know what you mean.

This is a really great story that I was excited to show, but too paranoid to give up the main plot. This was a "safe" scene to show and I was hoping it would make it.

I'm going all out on the one I'm doing now.


Probably a good idea. You don't need to give away your twist or whatever, but if the concept is something like Saving Private Ryan meets X-files, then your sample pitch needs to touch on those.

I hope this won't offend you, but I did a hack job on your script to hopefully give you an idea of what I meant about the dialogue. Since I have no idea where you are going with this, I'd suspect some of what I did is useless, but I think the underlying concepts might help.

I've gone with the assumption that the sergeant and the narrator are the same person. Most career military men I've met are very minimalist in communicating so I've given the sergeant a very staccato voice. Lots of sentence fragments. In your original script you used "hero" to describe him, so I tried to build that aspect up a bit. I also played up his awareness that something wasn't right.

For the grunt who speaks... I tried to make him a little more casual in tone and overly confident as a contrast to the sergeant. Ultimately he's there to make the sergeant look good.

The only other tweak was to use the exchange between the two characters to foreshadow something's gonna go wrong on the mission. I thought it helped build the tension a little more.

Here's my tweaks... hope this helps...



Page 1:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: I've done three tours here.
GRUNT: Who-hoo

Panel 2:
CAPTION: They want a job done...

Panel 4: They send me...
SGT: We got one hour of sun people.

Panel 5:
SGT: Get climbing.

Page 2:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: Friggin' textbook op.
CAPTION: Sniper Above.
CAPTION: Evac on the ground
SNIPER: Eagle to Hammer. Your horse is ready.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: And us in the middle.

Panel 3:
SGT: Roger that. Hammer drops in three. Stay sharp.
SNIPER: Rodger



Page 3:
Panel 1:
SGT: Gather round, people.

Panel 2:
SGT: Our mission is simple. Get the hostages. Get out.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: From that dump? Not a problem.

Panel 3:
SGT: Out here, you learn things ain't what they seem.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: I just meant...
SGT: Remembering that...

Panel 4
SGT: ...will keep you alive.

Panel 5:
SGT: They've moved the hostages to this building. Collins will place charges and blow a hole here on the perimeter wall. That places us between the hostages and the enemy. Simmons will take point. We extract them through this exit. Transport's waiting in the alley behind. Rogers is already in position to snipe anyone after us. If you get separated, proceed to our extraction point on the west ridge. Our chopper will be there. Questions? Good.


Page 4:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: The city's empty.
CAPTION: No one watchin'.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: No snipers.
CAPTION: No guards.

Panel 1:
CAPTION: You do this job long enough, you learn what to expect.

Panel 3:
QUESTIONING GRUNT: See. Total piece of cake.
SGT: Stay Sharp.

Page 5:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: This ain't right.
CAPTION: On these jobs...
CAPTION: you feel it in your gut. The rush.
CAPTION: Adrenaline makes you jump outta your skin.
CAPTION: We're like junkies... gotta be.
CAPTION: But that ain't what I'm feeling now.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: This ain't right.

Panel 4:
COLLINS: Fire in the Hole

Page 6:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: It hits me we move in
SGT: Simmons

Panel 2:
CAPTION: They knew we were coming.

Panel 3:
SGT: Fall Back

Panel 4:
CAPTION: They were waiting for us.
SGT: We got no cover. Fall back.

Paenl 5:
SGT: We been set up.

Page 7:
CAPTION: These ain't no bush leagues.
CAPTION: These are soldiers. Palestinian Reformation Alliance.
CAPTION: Got an Agenda. Well trained and well equipped.
CAPTION: Helmets can seal, and air tanks beneath their Kevlar, so gas grenades won't do spit.
CAPTION: Essentially bullet proof - even the damned visors.
CAPTION: It all looks Russian made down to their Kevlar bandanas.
CAPTION: Looks like everyone's got an agenda.

Page 8:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: Mine's to get us out of here.
SNIPER: Hammer, this is Eagle.

Panel 2:
SNIPER: I've heard shots.
SGT: We got one man down. We're gonna need your help to get him ou...

Panel 4:
SGT: Sniper on the roof. Lay me some cover fire.

Panel 5:
SGT: Eagle. We got a pick on the roof.
eyp wrote:you should start following nerdygirl's advice.

CountD wrote:you were prettier in person, too.

Epidemic_Spider wrote:So you admit I'm more fun than Nieto :groucho:
GOSD wrote:I admit nothing!Yes.

Strict31 wrote:Huh. Nerdygirl's got some booty on her. Kind of a surprise there, Emma.

shannonh
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Postby shannonh » Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:32 pm

nerdygirl wrote:Probably a good idea. You don't need to give away your twist or whatever, but if the concept is something like Saving Private Ryan meets X-files, then your sample pitch needs to touch on those.

I hope this won't offend you, but I did a hack job on your script to hopefully give you an idea of what I meant about the dialogue. Since I have no idea where you are going with this, I'd suspect some of what I did is useless, but I think the underlying concepts might help.

I've gone with the assumption that the sergeant and the narrator are the same person. Most career military men I've met are very minimalist in communicating so I've given the sergeant a very staccato voice. Lots of sentence fragments. In your original script you used "hero" to describe him, so I tried to build that aspect up a bit. I also played up his awareness that something wasn't right.

For the grunt who speaks... I tried to make him a little more casual in tone and overly confident as a contrast to the sergeant. Ultimately he's there to make the sergeant look good.

The only other tweak was to use the exchange between the two characters to foreshadow something's gonna go wrong on the mission. I thought it helped build the tension a little more.

Here's my tweaks... hope this helps...



Page 1:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: I've done three tours here.
GRUNT: Who-hoo

Panel 2:
CAPTION: They want a job done...

Panel 4: They send me...
SGT: We got one hour of sun people.

Panel 5:
SGT: Get climbing.

Page 2:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: Friggin' textbook op.
CAPTION: Sniper Above.
CAPTION: Evac on the ground
SNIPER: Eagle to Hammer. Your horse is ready.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: And us in the middle.

Panel 3:
SGT: Roger that. Hammer drops in three. Stay sharp.
SNIPER: Rodger



Page 3:
Panel 1:
SGT: Gather round, people.

Panel 2:
SGT: Our mission is simple. Get the hostages. Get out.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: From that dump? Not a problem.

Panel 3:
SGT: Out here, you learn things ain't what they seem.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: I just meant...
SGT: Remembering that...

Panel 4
SGT: ...will keep you alive.

Panel 5:
SGT: They've moved the hostages to this building. Collins will place charges and blow a hole here on the perimeter wall. That places us between the hostages and the enemy. Simmons will take point. We extract them through this exit. Transport's waiting in the alley behind. Rogers is already in position to snipe anyone after us. If you get separated, proceed to our extraction point on the west ridge. Our chopper will be there. Questions? Good.


Page 4:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: The city's empty.
CAPTION: No one watchin'.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: No snipers.
CAPTION: No guards.

Panel 1:
CAPTION: You do this job long enough, you learn what to expect.

Panel 3:
QUESTIONING GRUNT: See. Total piece of cake.
SGT: Stay Sharp.

Page 5:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: This ain't right.
CAPTION: On these jobs...
CAPTION: you feel it in your gut. The rush.
CAPTION: Adrenaline makes you jump outta your skin.
CAPTION: We're like junkies... gotta be.
CAPTION: But that ain't what I'm feeling now.

Panel 2:
CAPTION: This ain't right.

Panel 4:
COLLINS: Fire in the Hole

Page 6:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: It hits me we move in
SGT: Simmons

Panel 2:
CAPTION: They knew we were coming.

Panel 3:
SGT: Fall Back

Panel 4:
CAPTION: They were waiting for us.
SGT: We got no cover. Fall back.

Paenl 5:
SGT: We been set up.

Page 7:
CAPTION: These ain't no bush leagues.
CAPTION: These are soldiers. Palestinian Reformation Alliance.
CAPTION: Got an Agenda. Well trained and well equipped.
CAPTION: Helmets can seal, and air tanks beneath their Kevlar, so gas grenades won't do spit.
CAPTION: Essentially bullet proof - even the damned visors.
CAPTION: It all looks Russian made down to their Kevlar bandanas.
CAPTION: Looks like everyone's got an agenda.

Page 8:
Panel 1:
CAPTION: Mine's to get us out of here.
SNIPER: Hammer, this is Eagle.

Panel 2:
SNIPER: I've heard shots.
SGT: We got one man down. We're gonna need your help to get him ou...

Panel 4:
SGT: Sniper on the roof. Lay me some cover fire.

Panel 5:
SGT: Eagle. We got a pick on the roof.







WOW! That's amazing. You're hired! :D

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Postby danova » Tue Jan 26, 2010 5:27 pm

Looks good.
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