The Lord of the Monkeys
by Lord Simian » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:09 pm
But of course, my beloved Children of Kong. Gather round, and I shall once again share with you the true meaning of Chimpmas....
Before time began, there was Almighty Kong. And he saw that there was but the void, and he was displeased.
"Dude", thought Kong, "What the hell am I gonna do Saturday night if there's no cool clubs? Or Saturday nights?"
And thus, that Great Ape knew what must be done. He cupped his buttocks in his hands, and strained as hard as he could. And he shit like no one had ever shit before, because yea verily.... no one HAD ever shit before. And he flung that poo across the multiverse, and thus created reality as you and I know it. And he took special care to create Saturday nights, really cool bars, and hot drunk chicks.
But there was a kernal of stinky corn in his poo. And that corn became the Plumber, foul, evil, base defiler of all he touches. And that Plumber looked around, and he saw Almighty Kong, in his favorite bar, on a Saturday night, dancing with a hottie named Princess Peach. And the Plumber did desire her, not because she was a hottie (for, you see, the Plumber had a thing secretly going with his brother, The Green Plumber, born from a lesser kernel).... but because she was Kongs. And the Plumber did lure Kong outside, and attacked him from behind, and kidnapped Kong's chippie.
And Kong was righteously pissed. He cursed the Plumber, that he would ever be tormented by horny turtles and mushroom people, and as a sign of Kong's wrath, he sent the Prophet, Donkey, to the Earth, with a message. And that message, as written by Donkey the Prophet, and kept alive by generations of Lawgivers, and related to the masses by Caesar the First, Caesar the Benevolent, is thus:
""Where there is fire, there is smoke. And in that smoke, from this day forward, my people will crouch and conspire and PLOT and PLAN for the inevitable day of Man's downfall - the day when he finally and self-destructively turns his weapons against his own kind. The day of the writing in the sky, when your cities lie buried under radioactive rubble! When the sea is a dead sea, and the land is a wasteland out of which I will lead my people from their captivity! And we shall build our own cities in which there will be no place for humans except to serve our ends! And we shall found our own armies, our own religion, our own dynasty! And that day is upon you NOW! But now, now we will put away our hatred. Now, we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, And those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Except for plumbers. All servants of the Plumber can go fuck themselves, and the koopa they rode in on."
And so, every year, to honor the covenant of Kong, man and ape alike unite in sharing gifts, loving one another, singing carols.... and telling plumbers to go fuck themselves.