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[Greg]

I wasn't going to do it until I finished the practice pages I've been working on, but I felt bad for keeping you waiting so long. I'm glad you like it!

I'm actually rather patient and was diggin' your Spidey pages. I was meaning to comment on the last one, actually. But damn, man. Good looks.

[Greg]

#9: Tableau and a Love Story

Page One

Panel One: We open up to a shot in a river, surrounded by beautiful plants and trees and a gorgeous water fall in the background. It is night and a truly beautiful night. The subject of focus are a beautiful young black woman with long dreads as she’s being caressed and embraced by a handsome young black man behind her. The woman is Roxanne while the man is Addam Tableau. They are both completely naked. If nudity is an issue, have one of Addam’s arms covering her breasts and water covering her lower area, at the same time being were Addam‘s other hand is. Roxanne has one of her hands holding Addam’s hand that’s at her lower area while her other hand is touching the back of Addam’s head while he is kissing her neck. Her eyes are closed in complete bliss.

Caption: He is a blessing from the Goddess Aphrodite herself. He is the epitome of love, the definition of bliss. His kisses are the sweetest of embraces that gives me chills up and down my body while warming my heart.

Panel Two: Close up on the two of them in the same position but now kissing, both eyes closed as they’re perfectly locked on each other in a passionate union.

Caption: And he’s corrupting me… we’re not suppose to be doing this.

Panel Three: Same shot, only this time Roxanne is in a completely orgasmic state, her face in complete bliss, mouth wide open, her eyes clenched.

Caption 1: Quite frankly…

Caption 2: I don’t care.


Page Two

Panel One: We’re now inside of Roxanne’s quarters, the walls resembling a cave. The room is filled with lit candles and Greek vases filled with Greek art and stories. There’s also a drawer and mirror with a bunch of different types of artwork from different cultures/countries filling the walls and a bunch of books. Roxanne is seated in front of the mirror fixing her hair. Sitting behind her is her friend, Lyna, a young white woman with blond hair and tan skin. Both of their attire are based on this painting of the Priestess of Delphi (http://greenledgestudios.com/Family%20H ... Delphi.jpg). Roxanne and Lyna are modern priestesses of Delphi.

Lyna: Damn it, Roxanne, you have to be careful! The high priests have been very strict lately. And who knows what Pythia may know if they consort to her about you.

Roxanne: I know… but… I’ve never felt this way before.

Lyna: Cupid has struck you.

Roxanne: I don’t know what to do.

Panel Two: Two shot of Lyna and Roxanne looking at each other, concern on Roxanne’s face while Lyna has a more relaxed and empathetic face.

Roxanne: I’m displeasing our lord, Apollo! What would he do? If he finds out-

Lyna: The time of Cassandra has passed, Roxanne! I really don’t think you should be too concerned with that. Though… the priests are who we’ll have trouble with.

Panel Three: Roxanne now looking down, sad.

Roxanne: All my life I’ve been raised to be pure… to follow and serve only Apollo. I must be rid of this… abomination. (linked balloon) I must.

Panel Four: A wide-panel of Roxanne, Lyna, and a few other Delphi priestess are all lined up in front of set of priests, all old men, dressed in white and red. Only one of the priests, the one in the middle, is speaking.

Priest 1: We have word that has been disconcerting to our ears. Word that someone here has been sneaking around and breaking their vows of charity to our Lord, Apollo.

Priest 2: We feared this would be an issue when it was announced the students of the School of Chiron were beginning their hunt and studies around this area.

Priest 3: We do not know who it is that is allowing herself to be corrupted… but when we find out who she is…

Panel Five: A shot of the priest. We see his face and he is very ugly and withered with a mean brow.

Priest One: She will be severely punished as the whore she is.


Page Three

Panel One: Roxanne is sitting down in a field of grass in a beautiful clear night. Next to her is Addam. They are conversing.

Addam: We could leave.

Roxanne: I can’t… we have to end this before I make a mistake.

Addam: Mistake? Is this what this is?

Roxanne: I have to be pure for Apollo. If I give myself to you… I’m done. All my years of serving Apollo. Gone.

Panel Two: Close up on Roxanne.

Roxanne: Lyna… she’s a better reader than I am…. She’s told me about your reputation with other girls. Go to them…

Panel Three: Close up on Addam.

Addam: You’re not them! Roxanne, seriously, all this Apollo stuff - Your mind is brainwashed! You can’t be letting all this rule your life. This is your life.

Panel Four: Two panel shot of Roxanne and Addam looking at each other, now angry.

Roxanne: I can say the same thing about the gutter trash dogs you call gods.

Addam: … (linked balloon) Well, then… I hope you find your happiness.

Panel Five: A shot of Roxanne still sitting on the ground while Addam is leaving.



Page Four

Panel One: Wide panel show of Roxanne kneeling on the ground, arms extended with flames twirling through her hands and fingers, her eyes completely white, her hair flowing. She’s in a dark room, an alter, filled with candles all around as mists and gasses are seeping through cracks from the ground, filling the area and invading her nasal. In the original Greek myths of priestesses of Delphi/Apollo, in order for them to be consorting with Apollo and receive their visions, the smoke/mist from the cracks on the ground was breathe in. This panel is of big importance.

Caption: Apollo… my Lord… you are amenity…

Panel Two: Roxanne is now in a hallway area being confronted by the main priest. Both are in an angry and confronting state, the priest holding Roxanne’s arm in a tight grip. On the shoulder of the priest hangs a satchel.

Priest: You have some nerve, harlot. I know all about your meetings with that… heathen. Soil yourself with a seed of vile filth.

Roxanne: You have no idea of anything about me or what I do. Unhand me.

Priest: I know not what you do? Try asking your friend!

Panel Three: A shot now of the priest having taken out the decapitated head of Lyna from the satchel, blood leaking from her mouth.

Priest: With Apollo’s blessings, she was punished for her associations with you and your corruptor. She told me everything I needed to know before I cut out her tongue.

Panel Four: Two shot of both the priest and Roxanne, this time Roxanne smacking the priest very hard.

Roxanne: You monster!!! How dare you?! Speaking of purity and honor for Apollo… you are the worst of all!

Roxanne 2: You’re nothing but a sadist and a lying hypocrite with an appetite for little girls and little boy priests!

Panel Five: A tight shot of Roxanne, her eyes completely white as she’s pointing her hands towards us, flames igniting from her hand.

Roxanne: May the flames of Apollo wrap their judgment against your shame!

Panel Six: This wouldn’t really be a panel except it would just be the figure of the priest himself on his knees, engulfed completely in flames.



Page Five

Panel One: It’s a beautiful morning and a group of young people, male and female, are in a field with weapons, mostly bows and arrows, and other bags, getting ready to depart. With them is Addam, who’s packing his bag. A few steps behind him is Roxanne, walking towards him.

Roxanne: Addam!

Panel Two: Panel of the two of them now in each other’s arms, looking intently at each other, both with slight smiles on their faces compared to the last time we saw them together.

Addam: What are you doing here? Isn’t Apollo looking down at you now with the sun out… sinning?

Roxanne: Ha-ha. He is looking down. He’s with me. I have his blessings. I have nothing to worry about.

Addam: Then come with me. Leave this place.

Roxanne: I am leaving… but I can’t come with you. We have so much to learn about ourselves… separately. My Lord has blessed me with a vision. We will meet again. I can’t say any further, but this is only good bye… for now.

Panel Three: A shot of the two sharing a final passionate kiss.

Panel Four: A two-shot of the two separating. Addam and his associates are going away while Roxanne is standing there watching. Addam and Roxanne have their hands holding as they’re about to break due to their distance.

Caption: With the blessing of my Lord…

Panel Five: A panel now of Roxanne and Addam. While they are noticeable older, both are radiant with smiles on their faces as Roxanne has a new born baby in her arms as Addam, with a child of about six or seven years old in Addam’s arm, all looking at their new baby with smiles.

Caption: I have in fact seen a vision of the future…

Caption 2: And it’s blessings from the gods themselves.

Roxanne: Hey there, lil’ Jeremy…

[shannonh]

OOOOOOOO, some web reference for the artist. Nice.

[Greg]

OOOOOOOO, some web reference for the artist. Nice.

Did you read the story?

[shannonh]

Yes.

I dont know what to say to critique it cuz of two things-- One thing, I'm not a writer, second Tableau is a little racey for me. It's just not my type of story but it seems to read well. I think it would have a good following if you could get it out there. But, that is the hard part.

[Greg]

Yes.

I dont know what to say to critique it cuz of two things-- One thing, I'm not a writer, second Tableau is a little racey for me. It's just not my type of story but it seems to read well. I think it would have a good following if you could get it out there. But, that is the hard part.

Hell yeah, that's the hard part. I'd really like to get a good artist to possibly start it out as a webcomic, but eh, that'll just have to wait. What did you mean by if a bit too racey, if you don't mind me asking?

[shannonh]

Hell yeah, that's the hard part. I'd really like to get a good artist to possibly start it out as a webcomic, but eh, that'll just have to wait. What did you mean by if a bit too racey, if you don't mind me asking?

Sexual content. Which is not a writing critique. It's a personal issue. Sex, drugs, and violence have there place in story telling. But, I personally dont like a hero glamorizing promiscuity.

James Bond, for example, would have been a lot cooler if the stories would have dealt more with his gadgets and spy stuff than him wanting to dry hump every chick that entered stage left. That is an exaggeration and not meant to compare your story to 007, but the strong sexuality of your main character can overpower anything cool that you do with them. At the end of the day, you're left with middle aged men that masturbate three times a day and want to shake your hand and get your autograph.

Like I said, it's my personal opinion. i'm not trying to tell you how to write nor am I saying you should change a thing about your story. At the end of the day, no matter what is said about it, YOU are the one who needs to be happy with the story. Otherwise, the whole thing falls apart because you stop writing from your soul and start writing to satisfy other people.

[Greg]

Sexual content. Which is not a writing critique. It's a personal issue. Sex, drugs, and violence have there place in story telling. But, I personally dont like a hero glamorizing promiscuity.

James Bond, for example, would have been a lot cooler if the stories would have dealt more with his gadgets and spy stuff than him wanting to dry hump every chick that entered stage left. That is an exaggeration and not meant to compare your story to 007, but the strong sexuality of your main character can overpower anything cool that you do with them. At the end of the day, you're left with middle aged men that masturbate three times a day and want to shake your hand and get your autograph.

Like I said, it's my personal opinion. i'm not trying to tell you how to write nor am I saying you should change a thing about your story. At the end of the day, no matter what is said about it, YOU are the one who needs to be happy with the story. Otherwise, the whole thing falls apart because you stop writing from your soul and start writing to satisfy other people.

Ah, much thanks for that, really appreciate it. And no worries, I ain't changing my focus on sexuality for you.

I feel it's an important part of people's lives and particularly the main character, Jeremy. One particularly reason for that is also due to using aspects and inspirations from African trickster tales in which sexuality was actually common place and important. And if you realized, the few times I have used sexuality in the story, they served some purpose in the end. Roxanne's love scene with Addam showcased her mentality and how emotions of what was right and wrong, especially due to her not feeling that desire before which contrasted to her beliefs and "purpose" as a priestess.

But yeah, thanks for that again. But as you said, everyone has their thing. Just interesting to hear it from someone who feels that way.

[shannonh]

Ah, much thanks for that, really appreciate it. And no worries, I ain't changing my focus on sexuality for you.

I feel it's an important part of people's lives and particularly the main character, Jeremy. One particularly reason for that is also due to using aspects and inspirations from African trickster tales in which sexuality was actually common place and important. And if you realized, the few times I have used sexuality in the story, they served some purpose in the end. Roxanne's love scene with Addam showcased her mentality and how emotions of what was right and wrong, especially due to her not feeling that desire before which contrasted to her beliefs and "purpose" as a priestess.

But yeah, thanks for that again. But as you said, everyone has their thing. Just interesting to hear it from someone who feels that way.

WOW! That was a quick response!


There is a fine line. This is an example of what i'm talking about--


Panel Three: Wide panel shot behind Jeremy and Lebeur as a double door is opened up to them by Jonesy as he’s pointing them inside, a room filled with beautiful women, some half naked, some completely, all awaiting. Jonesy has a smile on his face.

Jonesy: One night with my twelve daughters.

Panel Four: Wide-shot resembling the very first panel of the story, Jeremy having a sly smile on his face.

Caption: Oh, the things I get myself into…

I'm not trying to suck you in to defending your story. Do what you do, bro. I wish you nothing but wealth and happiness.

Peace.

[Greg]

WOW! That was a quick response!


There is a fine line. This is an example of what i'm talking about...

Wasn't that awesome?

Thanks, bud. Same to you.

[shannonh]

For you, my friend.....

[Greg]

Shannon, thank you so very much! This truly made my weekend. Wow... I was not expecting that, it came as an amazing surprise. This was beyond gorgeous! WOW!

Thank you SO much!

WOW!!!

Heh, this makes me excited to write and develop more stuff!

[shannonh]

Dont stop now. I want to see everyone waste as many years on this stuff as I have.

[Greg]

#10: Jeremy Tableau and the Space Bitches


Page One

Panel One: We open up this story to a wide panel shot of the front of a speeding car. It is the middle of the night and hardly anyone on the street. The car is moving wildly as the passenger, our hero Jeremy Tableau, is shouting. Jeremy is a young black man of early twenties. He's wearing a white button down shirt and a loosen black tie. If we see any of Jeremy's hands, have a kukri looking knife in his hand. In the driver seat is Stane Foreign, a white thirty-forty year old looking man with white hair and a five o'clock shadow.

Jeremy: Is this the fastest you can freakin' go?! DRIVE!!

Stane: Do you want to drive your fucking self, you fucking pissant?!

Panel Two: Now a shot of Jeremy peering his head out the window looking upward.

Jeremy: Fuck! She's right on top of us!

[B]Caption: This fine ass looking fellow you're looking at right now is me, Jeremy Tableau, your friendly neighborhood nigga who just likes to have a good time.

Caption 2: In the world I live in, I'm used to the typical every day life of vampires, boogey men, death gods, succubi and incubi, trolls under bridges, evil robots on the verge of world destruction, elves, leprecauns, mermaids, alligators in the sewers, and I can go on and on.

Panel Three: A shot now of the hood of the car being crushed down onto the street, destroying the car. A humanoid looking figure, an alien of completely whitish/blueish skin has landed on the hood. Have it sort of resemble this scene from the Matrix Reloaded movie: http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h29/x ... rixref.png . Except have the alien facing the car instead of turned away from it. The alien is obviously female and has curly looking hair that resemble dreads but is white. Her eyes are completely black. She is wearing nothing.[/B]

Caption: Yet some how coming across an alien I find to be extremely weird.

Panel Four: A shot behind the alien as she's dodged a slew of bullets being shot at her by Stane, the window being broken. The gun doesn't look like a typical gun, so make it look a bit weird with some strange designs.

Jeremy: Can't you aim?!?

Stane: I'm gonna aim this into your asshole if you don't shut up!!

Caption: The dude cussing at me is Stane Foreign. He happens to be of the same race of this alien who's trying to rip my head off.

Panel Five: A shot of the alien having grabbed Stane by the collar and flinging him out of the car while Jeremy is leaping out of the passenger side of the car, revealing that he's only wearing his shirt and boxers, the knife still in hand.


Page Two

Panel One: Jeremy is running through an alley way.

Caption: Okay, recap for you joining in: I've become a target of space bitches! I hooked up with these two lovely shorties from the club only to find out they were aliens as they attempted to anal probe me.

Panel Two: The alien has dropped in front of Jeremy causing him to fall back.

Alien: Don't you want me anymore, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Of course I do! I just need to freshen up.

Alien: No need. Come with me to the hive and we shall have plenty of the sex.

Panel Three: Intense shot of Jeremy flinging the knife towards us.

Jeremy: To hell with that!

Panel Four: Close up of the alien just looking down, the knife deeply in her throat, red blood pouring from the wound. She is unphased.

Alien: Is this foreplay?

Panel Five: Now a shot of the alien's head blowing up.

SFX: BLAM!!!

Caption: Jeeeez!!!


Page Three

Panel One: A shot of the alien on the floor, head blown off with blood splattered around. Jeremy has been hit with some of the blood while he's removing the knife from the alien's throat. Stane is making his way with a weird looking gun.

Jeremy: Okay, you mind telling me what the hell is going on?

Stane: They're after you-

Jeremy: No shit!

Stane: They've been kidnapping then killing off individuals with strong magick essence. They've figured out by combining their DNA with humans with magick-based essence with a strong background legacy, they can be unstoppable.

Panel Two: Shot on Stane.

Stane: You're their next target. You have some very powerful essence in you, going back from both your mother and father's side. Your father is an agent of the Loa and also a twin. The potential for magick is sky high for you as his offspring. Your mother is a highly figured Delphi priestess. While you yourself may have knowledge of specific abilities, you have yet to tap into much of your potential abilities and how to use them effectively.

Panel Three: Looking at Jeremy now as he's stood up. He is pointing the bloody knife up into the air, his eyes closed as if he's blessing it.

Jeremy: Keep talking, I'm just conducting a spell.

Stane: The main abilities you seem to possess are of course your mother's pyrokinetics along with immunization to heat and fire with limited teleportation and some divination. From your father's side, you have your connection to Loas of the Vodou faith, possession, and lots of untapped magick. Including some weird... charming ability.

Panel Four: A panel of both now looking at each other.

Jeremy: And they found this out how?

Stane: Information gets passed to them through the exchange of bodily fluids. You've been seeing this alien for the past week or so now along with her friend. They've gathered enough intel about you and your legacy from whatever you guys have been doing... make outs, sex, you name it.

Jeremy: Okay... that explains them... what about you?

Stane: ...I'd rather not say.

Jeremy: ...

Panel Five: We're now behind the two of them as before them from a distance is a group of more female aliens making their way towards them. Each have different hair styles, all white colored.

Stane: I'm guessing that spell you did somehow powered up that knife?

Jeremy: Yeah. It's a magical knife called a Strict Knife. It absorbs up to thirty-one properties - in this case blood - of a specific species and it allows me to cut them like butter.

Stane: Alrighty then. Toast's up!


Page Four

Panel One: A wild panel of the aliens attacking. Stane has shot an alien mid-air, head blown up while Jeremy has sliced another one upward, from her chest to the top of her head, blood splattering everywhere. On the ground is a few other aliens that were already taken care of by Jeremy and Stane.

Caption: So apparently these aliens are from Mars and the women are the hunters of the race. Does that count as irony?

Panel Two: Jeremy is now against a brick wall with an alien choking him with her hand. Jeremy has sliced half way through the hand. Stane has just been punched with blood splurging out of his mouth.

Panel Three: Stane is now on the floor knocked out as the aliens have all stock-piled atop of Jeremy.

Caption: I bet if I were a Martian, I'd be turned on right now.

Panel Four: We're now inside of the hive of the aliens, which is really in disguise under a warehouse. It resembles a medical room with bright lights with alien women around the room and a bunch of weird looking machines. Jeremy is in the middle of the room on the table. He's face down on it with his backside pointing up. His boxers is on the floor. His arms are pulled back from a strap hooked from the ceiling, his legs strapped onto the table.

Panel Five: Close up on Jeremy now looking to the side, towards us. He looks completely traumatized, eyes wide and sweat pouring out his whole face.

Caption: I've been anally probed.


Page Five

Panel One: Jeremy is now vertical, the table now moved but the strap still holding him up by his arms. His legs are entirely weakened as he can't stand straight.

Caption: The space bitches anally probed me... and now they're gonna kill me.

Alien Leader: He can be disposed.

Panel Two: Close-up on Jeremy, looking extremely weak as if he's about to pass out.

Jeremy: Wait... wait... I can still help you. You need magick essence... I can tell you the most powerful... Just... let me go... please.

Panel Three: Shot behind the alien leader as she's planted a kiss onto Jeremy's mouth. Jeremy is looking towards us with a leering eye.

Caption: Heh. Got 'em.

Panel Four: An outside shot the warehouse blowing up in flames, Stane outside walking towards it with his gun.

Stane: Whoa.

Panel Five: Stane has found Jeremy naked on the ground, face down as flames are scattered around, dissipating while all the aliens have been turned into burnt crisps.

Stane: What happened?

Jeremy: Bitches probed me.

Caption: I guess they didn't get the memo that passion sets my heart aflame.

[Royal Nonesuch]

I don't know how I didn't see this thread before, but this is some great stuff, Greg.