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Tableau

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Thu Feb 24, 2011 12:03 pm

Arion wrote:Greg, that one from Anoma-lee is great . I checked his deviant art page but I was wondering if you have his email address so I can get in touch with him.


No, sorry. I got in contact with him through image comics boards.
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Re: Tableau

Postby Arion » Thu Feb 24, 2011 11:43 pm

Greg wrote:
No, sorry. I got in contact with him through image comics boards.


OK, so how do I get in touch with him?

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Thu Feb 24, 2011 11:45 pm

Arion wrote:
OK, so how do I get in touch with him?


You don't have a deviant art? You can hit him up there.
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
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Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
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Re: Tableau

Postby Arion » Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:32 am

Greg wrote:
You don't have a deviant art? You can hit him up there.


Nope. I've never really used deviant art...

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Re: Tableau

Postby shannonh » Sun Feb 27, 2011 3:15 pm

Greg, Greg, Greg....We need to talk. Sending you a PM now.

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Sun Feb 27, 2011 3:58 pm

shannonh wrote:Greg, Greg, Greg....We need to talk. Sending you a PM now.


Responded!
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
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Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Mon Mar 07, 2011 1:27 am

#14: Jeremy Tableau and the Birthday Bash

Page One

Panel One: We start off this script with a big party going on. It’s our protagonist, Jeremy Tableau’s, birthday and this can be described as a party to end all parties. It’s gathered with a bunch of people of all shapes and sizes, creatures, monsters. Really go all out. Humans, zombies, vampires, centaurs, trolls, animals, ghosts, demons, angels, people wearing all types of crazy stuff or dressed casually or dressed nicely. They’re all having a great time, interacting, drinking, dancing, some even making out. We see a stage and on it is an ogre with head phones on as he’s DJing the party. Next to him is Jeremy, early 20s black man, handsome and dressed in a white suit and tie. He has a mic in one of his hands, shouting up into it. Next to him on his opposite side is his girlfriend, Claudia, a beautiful white young woman with brown hair reaching her shoulders, dressed in form fitting purple dress showcasing her nice figure. His arm is around her hip, pulling her against him as she’s smiling a huge grin.


Jeremy: Happy Birthday to me, bitches!!!

Caption: It’s the birthday of yours truly, Jeremy Tableau.

Panel Two: A close up shot of Jeremy and Claudia in a lip lock.

Caption: And it’s sure damn good to be me!

Panel Three: A panel now of Jeremy and Claudia dancing at the middle of the dance floor, very sensual and completely into each other.

Caption: I met Claudia a few months back and have been going steady for quite some time now.

Caption 2: She’s been a Godsend.

Caption: Which of course worries me.

Panel Three: Now a panel of Jeremy standing against the wall with some of his closest friends while we see Claudia away from them, laughing with a few girls with a wine glass in her hand. Jeremy and his friends are looking at Claudia, discussing her. With him is Sarah, a young white woman with blond hair and wearing a red dress; Gerard, a young man of Hispanic/Black heritage with corn rows and dressed in gothware. They all have glasses of wine.

Caption: My best friends, Sarah and Gerard…

Sarah: I have to hand it to you, Jer. You hit another home run. What do you think, Gerard?

Gerard: She’s smoking as fuck. But you don’t really think this’ll last, do you?

Jeremy: Leave it to you guys to rain on my parade.

Sarah: I’d like to rain on her.

Gerard: I’d be content in watching.

Caption: Oh, to be with uninhibited with drinks…

Panel Four: A shot now Jeremy meeting up with Bacchus/Dionysus and Baron Cimitière. Bacchus is the Greek god of wine and is dressed in laced up black leather vest and tight leather pants. He has bull horns coming out of his forehead and long curly hair and is very handsome. Baron Cimitière is the Vodou Ghede Loa of Cemeteries, a spirit of the Dead. He is black and very skinny, so much so that it’s disturbing, nearly resembling a skeleton with fully white eyes. He has wild nappy hair and is only wearing dirty, rundown pants that are being held up around his bony waist by a dead snake. In one of his hands is a staff made of out a human’s spine. Dionysus has his arms open as if presenting himself.

Caption: Dionysus, aka Bacchus, is the Greek god of wine and is the best when it comes to preparing parties.

Caption 2: Baron Cimitière is the Vodou Loa of Cemeteries.

Dionysus: Jeremy, my dear boy! Are you pleased? I dare say I’ve out done myself.

Panel Five: A panel now on just Jeremy, Cimitière, and Dionysus.

Jeremy: Oh hell yeah, man! This party’s sweet! I can’t thank you enough. And the drinks really pack a kick.

Cimitière: It’s definitely needed given the deaths of a few of the magi’s this past year.

Dionysus: Let’s not dwell on that, Cimi-dear. What matters, Jeremy, is that our plan will go according to plan.

Jeremy: Good. I’m sure she’ll love me after this.


Page Two

Panel One: Claudia is now by the drinks table with a glass in her hand while talking to Roxanne, Jeremy’s mother. Roxanne is a beautiful woman in her 40s/50s with long dreads tied up and reaching her back. She’s dressed in a beautiful brown, multi-layered veil-like dress. Claudia is obviously nervous while Roxanne has a serious look on her face with a long glass jar in her hands filled with water and a floating heart.


Caption: I’m excited to finally have my mom meet Claudia.

Claudia: It’s really nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Tableau. Is… that a heart in that jar?

Roxanne: Oh, you’ve noticed. It’s my present to my son. See, it’s the heart of the last person to break his heart. I’m sure he’ll love it.

Panel Two: Jeremy is now with them, his arm around Claudia whose eyes are in fright while Roxanne now has her smile on her face.

Jeremy: So how are my two favorite women doing?

Roxanne: Oh, exquisite, Jeremy! Claudia is such a nice girl and lovely too. I like her a lot!

Jeremy: I knew you’d love her.

Panel Three: Same panel only this time Roxanne is giving Jeremy the jar while Claudia is gulping down her wine.

Panel Four: We’re now at a lounge area where Jeremy is sitting in the center watching Claudia and Sarah in a small peck kiss, wine in their hands. Jeremy has a smirk on his face as he’s watching this with a wine glass in his hand while Gerard, with his vampire fangs out, is sucking blood from a party-goer. Dionysus is on the side with a few other party-goers, all getting dressed and getting ready to have an orgy of sorts. Cimitière is sitting next to Jeremy, whispering in his ear.


Panel Five: Claudia is now sitting close to Jeremy, looking at each other passionately.

Claudia: Can we be alone? I know it’s your party and all, but I’d like to give you your birthday present.

Jeremy: You don’t have to ask me twice. It’s my birthday and I can fuck if I want to.

Claudia: Haha! One more drink first!


Page Three

Panel One: A shot now inside of a bedroom. Jeremy and Claudia are removing their clothes while they’re passionately kissing each other.

Panel Two: Jeremy is now lying back on the bed while Claudia is on top of him, both naked. His hands are covering her breasts while her heads up in pleasure.


Panel Three: Now a shot from Jeremy’s point of view of Claudia looking down at us with a smile on her face.

Claudia: Bout fuckin’ time, huh?

Jeremy (off-panel): Tell me about it.

Claudia: Mmmmm…

Panel Four: A shot of Claudia’s hands upon Jeremy’s bare chest.

Panel Five: Same shot except now Claudia’s nails are driving into Jeremy’s chest.

Panel Six: Same shot, but blood is pouring out of Jeremy’s chest while Claudia is now pulling Jeremy’s heart out of his chest.



Page Four

Panel One: Claudia is now eating Jeremy’s heart, blood all over her mouth and hands, while Jeremy is lying dead on the bed.


Caption: Some birthday.

Panel Two: Claudia is now lying next to Jeremy’s dead body while she’s licking her fingers clean.

Claudia: Oh, that was much yummier than I expected. Thank you for your gift, Jeremy. It shall not be in vain.

Panel Three: Jeremy’s body has now become a gray decomposed corpse as it’s now looking directly at Claudia who’s completely shocked and scared.


Jeremy: You didn’t really think you’d get me, did you, bitch?

Panel Four: Claudia has sat up in fright and is looking at the wall of the bedroom where Jeremy, still dressed, is standing against. The corpse is still on the bed but does not resemble Jeremy anymore.

Jeremy: I’ve been quite suspicious of you since we’ve met, Claudia. With the deaths of the few magi’s this past year, I knew the Black Sheep just had to be next.

Panel Five: This panel should have a blend of different images together. An image of Claudia drinking while Dionysus is behind her with a devilish smirk; the image of Jeremy, Claudia, and Roxanne; Sarah and Claudia kissing.

Caption (Jeremy): Every one you’ve met tonight has been on to you. My mom first gave me a hint after she met you and actually had something nice to say about you. See, she hates everyone I date. And she’s a priestess of Apollo. Divination powers and all that mess.

Caption 2: Dionysus has been spiking your drink with madness which is why you’re able to easily confuse me with a corpse.

Caption 3: And Sarah’s a reader. She can read and get auras and feeds from pretty much anything and decipher it for information. And she confirmed to me that you not only kill magi’s, but you eat their heart for their magick essence.


Page Five

Panel One: A side shot of Claudia sitting up on the bed while Jeremy is still by the wall. Claudia is glaring at him, angrily.


Claudia: Yeah, and what of it? Just like that, huh? This is how you wanna to end this?

Jeremy: Bitch, I ain’t finished!

Claudia: You have some nerve!

Jeremy: You just tried to eat my heart!

Claudia: So what now?

Panel Two: Back to Jeremy who’s getting pissed.

Jeremy: See, if you had just let me finished-

Claudia (off-panel): Can you just get it over with!?

Jeremy: Fine!

Panel Three: A large group of zombie hands have now burst through the bed, all grabbing Claudia who’s screaming.

Claudia: AAAIIEEEHHH!!!

Panel Four: Jeremy is now walking out the door. We’re looking from the outside of the room as we see the zombies eating Claudia in the bedroom, Jeremy about to shut the door.

Jeremy: You know what they say about karma and full circles, right, babe? See, Baron Cimitière is the Lord of Cemeteries and is friends with a few of the magi’s that you’ve killed. And they’ve been very hungry.

Claudia: Jeremy! Please! Help me!

Panel Five: Jeremy is back on stage with his mother holding a birthday cake in front of him, candles lit. His close friends are also on stage cheering him on, Jeremy looking at them with a small smile, though not of huge happiness.

Caption: And the show must go on…

Crowd: WOOOOOOHHOOOOO!!!! YEEEAAAAHHH!!!!

Panel Six: Jeremy is back on the lounge while everyone seems to be having a good time while he’s looking down at his drink, obviously sad.

Caption: And on it goes… And as the saying goes…

Caption 2: …It’s my party and I can cry if I want to…
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
Benderbrau: Greg: Unwrapping the riddles of the black man since 2006

Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

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Re: Tableau

Postby GHERU » Mon Mar 07, 2011 10:39 am

I don't really feel the need to copy and paste this week since since I don't have many "edit" types of notes besides "word choice" and "word duplication" in just a few places.

that being said, the story itself was very disjointed. At no time was the reader, who Tableau is talking to, informed that there was any kind of mystery going on. Then we have this:
Caption: I met Claudia a few months back and have been going steady for quite some time now.
Caption 2: She’s been a Godsend.
Caption: Which of course worries me.

Tableau, narrates from a, seemingly, omniscient POV (in this story) why then would he (1) think that she is a G-dsend? (2) Be 'worried' if he has already set the trap? had he planned for the trap before the party? If he Is this being told to the reader as it happens or after the fact? If he's "been quite suspicious of you since we’ve met" then whats with the lovey dovey captions at the start?

and finally, "Every one you’ve met tonight has been on to you...." this paragraph is just too full of exposition. Instead of listing everyone's skills here, at the end, try and figure out a way to tell the reader who and what they can do when he introduces them earlier.
Example - instead of:
And Sarah’s a reader. She can read and get auras and feeds from pretty much anything and decipher it for information.

something like:
Caption: My best friends, Sarah and Gerard…one of the best aura readers around and a vampire respectively
earlier in the story
----
the sudden change in tone of this script took me out of the story, it was to jarring. I like the idea of it, but it needs to be smoothed out a bit

~RU
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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Mon Mar 07, 2011 12:09 pm

GHERU wrote:I don't really feel the need to copy and paste this week since since I don't have many "edit" types of notes besides "word choice" and "word duplication" in just a few places.

that being said, the story itself was very disjointed. At no time was the reader, who Tableau is talking to, informed that there was any kind of mystery going on. Then we have this:

Tableau, narrates from a, seemingly, omniscient POV (in this story) why then would he (1) think that she is a G-dsend? (2) Be 'worried' if he has already set the trap? had he planned for the trap before the party? If he Is this being told to the reader as it happens or after the fact? If he's "been quite suspicious of you since we’ve met" then whats with the lovey dovey captions at the start?

and finally, "Every one you’ve met tonight has been on to you...." this paragraph is just too full of exposition. Instead of listing everyone's skills here, at the end, try and figure out a way to tell the reader who and what they can do when he introduces them earlier.
Example - instead of:

something like:
earlier in the story
----
the sudden change in tone of this script took me out of the story, it was to jarring. I like the idea of it, but it needs to be smoothed out a bit

~RU


Awesome, thanks, RU! I'll definitely try to smooth some things out. I do feel a lot of it is a bit disjointed and this script isn't clicking as much as I'd like to. I think your suggestions would help out. Thanks again!
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
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Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

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Re: Tableau

Postby Arion » Mon Mar 07, 2011 8:28 pm

GHERU wrote:I don't really feel the need to copy and paste this week since since I don't have many "edit" types of notes besides "word choice" and "word duplication" in just a few places.

that being said, the story itself was very disjointed. At no time was the reader, who Tableau is talking to, informed that there was any kind of mystery going on. Then we have this:

Tableau, narrates from a, seemingly, omniscient POV (in this story) why then would he (1) think that she is a G-dsend? (2) Be 'worried' if he has already set the trap? had he planned for the trap before the party? If he Is this being told to the reader as it happens or after the fact? If he's "been quite suspicious of you since we’ve met" then whats with the lovey dovey captions at the start?

and finally, "Every one you’ve met tonight has been on to you...." this paragraph is just too full of exposition. Instead of listing everyone's skills here, at the end, try and figure out a way to tell the reader who and what they can do when he introduces them earlier.
Example - instead of:

something like:
earlier in the story
----
the sudden change in tone of this script took me out of the story, it was to jarring. I like the idea of it, but it needs to be smoothed out a bit

~RU


I think I'll send you my next script for The Gathering to see if you got any suggestions.

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:20 pm

Arion wrote:
I think I'll send you my next script for The Gathering to see if you got any suggestions.


He has good suggestions.
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
Benderbrau: Greg: Unwrapping the riddles of the black man since 2006

Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:20 pm

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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
Benderbrau: Greg: Unwrapping the riddles of the black man since 2006

Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

Arion
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Re: Tableau

Postby Arion » Wed Mar 09, 2011 6:29 pm

Greg wrote:
He has good suggestions.


Oh yes, I've been reading some of his posts about your scripts.

Greg, why haven't you updated your horror blog lately ?

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Re: Tableau

Postby Greg » Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:30 pm

Arion wrote:
Oh yes, I've been reading some of his posts about your scripts.

Greg, why haven't you updated your horror blog lately ?


It's mostly due to time. My school schedule has been kicking my ass, especially with not only classes, but doing post production on my film, and rehearsing and preparing every night for the play I'm in. I haven't even had any time to work out like I was like 2 months back and I haven't turned on my TV or watched anything outside of school for months.
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CountD: Greg, thank you for your insights.
Benderbrau: Greg: Unwrapping the riddles of the black man since 2006

Starlord: I swear if you were gay and I wasn't married we'd make the perfect fuck buddies.

Greg: I'd do many things. Coke is not one of them.
Benderbrau: Greg hates all things white.

Benderbrau: Emma, you could learn a thing or two from Greg. Greg does threesomes. That's bi done right.

Arion
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Re: Tableau

Postby Arion » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:45 pm

Greg wrote:
It's mostly due to time. My school schedule has been kicking my ass, especially with not only classes, but doing post production on my film, and rehearsing and preparing every night for the play I'm in. I haven't even had any time to work out like I was like 2 months back and I haven't turned on my TV or watched anything outside of school for months.


Oh, I got it. I haven't been busy like that in a while .

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