When I got my hands on Action Comics #7, I could not believe my eyes. Superman gets down to business from page one, picking up the "Action" from 3 months ago. With a bit of help from the military, Superman is set to go, just as soon as he talks some shit first. He used to build up the regular heroes, but now he just reminds us how inferior we are, being sissies for using guns like those limp wrists in Seal Team 6. No, this Superman is going to show us how to get things done. He will have to run faster than ever before but thats ok. Nothing is impossible to those who are privileged by birth, wealth or status. What were we thinking? We should all move to Mars like John Carter and stop being such losers.
And he’s OFF! In order to reach new record speeds that will lead to new record heights, Superman races for half a block till he hits the tow truck ramp that will launch him into orbit. Look at his raggedy clothes, I’m glad that Superman feels my economic pain. He’s so much more relatable now that he’s broke. There is a lot of people right next to the spot where he has to exert enough force to change direction and achieve an escape velocity of 25,000 mph. Oh wait, the ramp on that truck will divert all that energy, it’s got a wicked parking brake. Oh never mind, those people are fine. In fact two of them lift up the rear of the truck at the last minute to give him an extra alley-oop into space. Here I was worried about them, the truck and the bridge itself being able to withstand such a leap. Everything’s fine, no need to build up speed over any real distance and run up a big mountain to leap into space. Nah, a bridge, a truck and some token bystanders in the way will do. Nasa uses similar protocols all the time.
Space, the crowded frontier! Sweet, the little stepping stone leap off of a satellite is a nice touch. Not only is Superman as strong or as fast as he arbitrarily chooses to be at any given point, but some more selective physics along the way makes the story fun! Shame about the oxygen limitation though. Doesn’t he know only pansies breathe? It was almost pure Silver Age for a moment there.
Anyways, he’s reaching far and long towards something with a lot of tentacles. Whew! Superman made it all the way to the ship’s hull without being detected! Oh uh spoke too soon, ZZAPP!!! The Collector got the drop on our boy, and he’s ready to seal the mylar bag. Superman sure is lucky. The Collector could have removed his oxygen supply, or even just open an airlock and let the artificial atmosphere escape. Then it’s secure, seal and preserve baby, easy peasy rice and cheesy. That’s what I love about super-villains, deep down they care. All that mayhem is really just a cry for help.
But Superman does not go down! (sorry Lois) Energy beams bombard our hero who resists valiantly. Well he hides under his cape nowadays, but I mean who wouldn’t? Lasers hurt. After he dries his eyes, he’s ready for battle! Uh oh the bad guys are compensating!!! Talghhh DFFB! Robots SUCK! Superman WINS! The Collector looses track of him immediately and the rest of his robots are too busy to look in Superman’s general direction anyways, so the coast is clear. Superman is hot on the trail of his shrunken city.
Paydirt! a whole bunch of stuff, including a lost city of Krypton! Behold the Super Suit! But watch out for those radioactive spiders! Hahaha, those aren’t spiders, those are nano bots from The Modular Man!
Wicked, a hidden crossover event with Tom Strong?!?!?!?!?!
Meanwhile, inside the bottled section of Metropolis, our victims assess the situation. Then Modular Man attacks! LoL, villain team-ups always go sour, now MM is going ape on the hostages. But it’s cool, Lois and Jimmy are safe as long as they stick with Luthor. Let’s face it, if anyone knows what’s happening, Luthor’s the dude. Well, he is up until the next panel, then Jimmy becomes head dude and tells Luthor which way to go but it’s all good cause they’re bros. Everyone gets a chance to shine here.
...So now where are we? Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came...you wanna be where you can see, that people are all the same, you wanna go where everybody knows your name. This is some relatable stuff, man. I am down. Luthor likes that drink that everyone else does!!! Nice touch, gives him lots of depth.
Another double cross!!! The City is getting stored because the Earth is doomed anyways, and the little guy has some dirt on Glenmorgan, but that’s ok because GM is not really all that interested. Neither am I, but it will be important later. Modular Man is at it again!
Where the hell is Tom Strong? Things are getting tense!
Look Up In The Sky! Superman has found our beleaguered bottled bipeds and The Collector is ready to answer all of his questions. I love this part of the story, “Move That Bus, time for the Big Reveal!” Whoa, turns out he’s COMPUTO and Brainiac; like some kind of space redneck he is his own Father/Son. Deep man, the holy trinity with a banjo twang. Enough talk, let’s Fight! Superman is in deep trouble, if Brainiac pops an airlock, it’s good night Irene. Hopefully he's gonna play fair.
RESISTANCE is FUTILE! It’s not enough for Brainiac to defeat Superman, he’s got head games to play as well, Sweet. Choose Superman, decide their Fate! Glorious Kandor, or Wretched Earth, home of the sissy. "SU-PER-MAN! SU-PER-MAN! SU-PER-MAN!" Ya, you better chant, pleebs. Where’s your messiah now, beeyotches? Don’t worry Luthor, Superman is going to save your worthless hide too.
Now for my second favorite part of the story, where the villain engineers his own defeat! Hah Brainiac, SUCK IT! You left the indestructible cloth armor out. That’s some Legendary Enchanted Rarity Orange Yummy gear right there. “What are you doing?”, indeed dumb@ss Robot. Teach you to dangle his daddy's invincible aristocrat armor under his nose. Wow lucky thing too, imagine if Brainiac only had Superman's mother's clothes. Talk about awkward...
Now Superman is going to to reign supreme! Or will he? Turns out Earth is indeed targeted for extinction, by something ELSE! Brainiac is a bit of a douche, but his cpu is in the right place. Villainy with shades of grey...gotta celebrate it.
On the splash page, Look!
It’s Mr Mind!
No, it’s Vril Dox!
No, it’s The Collector, man!
Very impressive, Nu Brainiac is ready to rumble. What a sport too, lays out some fashionable armor and provides all the air Superman could need to save the day. I wonder how it will all turn out?