shannonh wrote:I know what you mean.
This is a really great story that I was excited to show, but too paranoid to give up the main plot. This was a "safe" scene to show and I was hoping it would make it.
I'm going all out on the one I'm doing now.
Probably a good idea. You don't need to give away your twist or whatever, but if the concept is something like Saving Private Ryan meets X-files, then your sample pitch needs to touch on those.
I hope this won't offend you, but I did a hack job on your script to hopefully give you an idea of what I meant about the dialogue. Since I have no idea where you are going with this, I'd suspect some of what I did is useless, but I think the underlying concepts might help.
I've gone with the assumption that the sergeant and the narrator are the same person. Most career military men I've met are very minimalist in communicating so I've given the sergeant a very staccato voice. Lots of sentence fragments. In your original script you used "hero" to describe him, so I tried to build that aspect up a bit. I also played up his awareness that something wasn't right.
For the grunt who speaks... I tried to make him a little more casual in tone and overly confident as a contrast to the sergeant. Ultimately he's there to make the sergeant look good.
The only other tweak was to use the exchange between the two characters to foreshadow something's gonna go wrong on the mission. I thought it helped build the tension a little more.
Here's my tweaks... hope this helps...
CAPTION: I've done three tours here.
CAPTION: They want a job done...
Panel 4: They send me...
SGT: We got one hour of sun people.
SGT: Get climbing.
CAPTION: Friggin' textbook op.
CAPTION: Sniper Above.
CAPTION: Evac on the ground
SNIPER: Eagle to Hammer. Your horse is ready.
CAPTION: And us in the middle.
SGT: Roger that. Hammer drops in three. Stay sharp.
SGT: Gather round, people.
SGT: Our mission is simple. Get the hostages. Get out.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: From that dump? Not a problem.
SGT: Out here, you learn things ain't what they seem.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: I just meant...
SGT: Remembering that...
SGT: ...will keep you alive.
SGT: They've moved the hostages to this building. Collins will place charges and blow a hole here on the perimeter wall. That places us between the hostages and the enemy. Simmons will take point. We extract them through this exit. Transport's waiting in the alley behind. Rogers is already in position to snipe anyone after us. If you get separated, proceed to our extraction point on the west ridge. Our chopper will be there. Questions? Good.
CAPTION: The city's empty.
CAPTION: No one watchin'.
CAPTION: No snipers.
CAPTION: No guards.
CAPTION: You do this job long enough, you learn what to expect.
QUESTIONING GRUNT: See. Total piece of cake.
SGT: Stay Sharp.
CAPTION: This ain't right.
CAPTION: On these jobs...
CAPTION: you feel it in your gut. The rush.
CAPTION: Adrenaline makes you jump outta your skin.
CAPTION: We're like junkies... gotta be.
CAPTION: But that ain't what I'm feeling now.
CAPTION: This ain't right.
COLLINS: Fire in the Hole
CAPTION: It hits me we move in
CAPTION: They knew we were coming.
SGT: Fall Back
CAPTION: They were waiting for us.
SGT: We got no cover. Fall back.
SGT: We been set up.
CAPTION: These ain't no bush leagues.
CAPTION: These are soldiers. Palestinian Reformation Alliance.
CAPTION: Got an Agenda. Well trained and well equipped.
CAPTION: Helmets can seal, and air tanks beneath their Kevlar, so gas grenades won't do spit.
CAPTION: Essentially bullet proof - even the damned visors.
CAPTION: It all looks Russian made down to their Kevlar bandanas.
CAPTION: Looks like everyone's got an agenda.
CAPTION: Mine's to get us out of here.
SNIPER: Hammer, this is Eagle.
SNIPER: I've heard shots.
SGT: We got one man down. We're gonna need your help to get him ou...
SGT: Sniper on the roof. Lay me some cover fire.
SGT: Eagle. We got a pick on the roof.