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[Greg]

I don't know how I didn't see this thread before, but this is some great stuff, Greg.

Whoa, thanks for reading! Which script did you read?

[Strict31]

Heh.

That took a really, really bad day and gave me a reason to chuckle.

[Greg]

Heh.

That took a really, really bad day and gave me a reason to chuckle.

I'm glad it was able to, Strict. It's dedicated to you, bruh.

[Royal Nonesuch]

Whoa, thanks for reading! Which script did you read?

The first three. I'll make my way through the rest of them soon.

[Greg]

The first three. I'll make my way through the rest of them soon.

Awesome!

Do tell me what you think whenever you get the chance, I love feedback, whether it's positive or negative. Any helps me out when it comes to my writing and trying the develop this character and his world. So it'd be appreciated. I'm glad to know you're enjoying them thus far. Thanks for checkin' them out!

[shannonh]

This is hilarious.

The reveal of jeremy's powers seems heavily influenced by anime story telling. For me, having it told TO him by a character who doesnt seem to know him is a little strange. And the reveal seems a little rushed.

Good action and humor combo!

[Greg]

This is hilarious.

The reveal of jeremy's powers seems heavily influenced by anime story telling. For me, having it told TO him by a character who doesnt seem to know him is a little strange. And the reveal seems a little rushed.

Good action and humor combo!

Thanks, Shannon! I'm glad you liked it. I had a good time writing it myself, actually was laughing at some parts while writing.

And it seemingly being influenced by anime story-telling is quite interesting. I don't think I had any of that in mind. Just thought this was a good time to finally put a lock on what it is exactly Jeremy could do. And remember, Stane's an alien himself. Originally I was gonna have him read his mind to find out what was so special about him and tell Jeremy why the aliens were after him, but that woulda took a bunch more pages than the limit. Maybe if I retouch the script later on, I can do different exercises to make it seem a little less awkward. Thanks!

Which reveal seems rushed, if you don't mind me asking?

[shannonh]

Panel Two: Shot on Stane.

Stane: You're their next target. You have some very powerful essence in you, going back from both your mother and father's side. Your father is an agent of the Loa and also a twin. The potential for magick is sky high for you as his offspring. Your mother is a highly figured Delphi priestess. While you yourself may have knowledge of specific abilities, you have yet to tap into much of your potential abilities and how to use them effectively.

Panel Three: Looking at Jeremy now as he's stood up. He is pointing the bloody knife up into the air, his eyes closed as if he's blessing it.

Jeremy: Keep talking, I'm just conducting a spell.

Stane: The main abilities you seem to possess are of course your mother's pyrokinetics along with immunization to heat and fire with limited teleportation and some divination. From your father's side, you have your connection to Loas of the Vodou faith, possession, and lots of untapped magick. Including some weird... charming ability.

Panel Four: A panel of both now looking at each other.

Jeremy: And they found this out how?

Stane: Information gets passed to them through the exchange of bodily fluids. You've been seeing this alien for the past week or so now along with her friend. They've gathered enough intel about you and your legacy from whatever you guys have been doing... make outs, sex, you name it.

Jeremy: Okay... that explains them... what about you?

Stane: ...I'd rather not say.

Jeremy: ...








Stane's dialog is very thick and the word balloons will take up a lot of room in each panel. The reveal of Jeremy's abilities seem rushed because its lumped into these giant word balloons. It also seems to be a lot of info Stane has without swapping bodily fluid. But, if you are constrained to a set amount of pages, it cant be easily fixed. I would still try to tie in a reason why Stane knows what he knows. I hate to tell you to add more dialog at the end of this excerpt, but you could have Jeremy ask "why do you know so much? We havent exchanged any bodily fluid." and Stane says, " Oh yes we have. Your lisp is worse than Sylvester the cat. GEEZ, every time you talk I have to get out an umbrella!"

[Greg]

Panel Two: Shot on Stane.

Stane: You're their next target. You have some very powerful essence in you, going back from both your mother and father's side. Your father is an agent of the Loa and also a twin. The potential for magick is sky high for you as his offspring. Your mother is a highly figured Delphi priestess. While you yourself may have knowledge of specific abilities, you have yet to tap into much of your potential abilities and how to use them effectively.

Panel Three: Looking at Jeremy now as he's stood up. He is pointing the bloody knife up into the air, his eyes closed as if he's blessing it.

Jeremy: Keep talking, I'm just conducting a spell.

Stane: The main abilities you seem to possess are of course your mother's pyrokinetics along with immunization to heat and fire with limited teleportation and some divination. From your father's side, you have your connection to Loas of the Vodou faith, possession, and lots of untapped magick. Including some weird... charming ability.

Panel Four: A panel of both now looking at each other.

Jeremy: And they found this out how?

Stane: Information gets passed to them through the exchange of bodily fluids. You've been seeing this alien for the past week or so now along with her friend. They've gathered enough intel about you and your legacy from whatever you guys have been doing... make outs, sex, you name it.

Jeremy: Okay... that explains them... what about you?

Stane: ...I'd rather not say.

Jeremy: ...








Stane's dialog is very thick and the word balloons will take up a lot of room in each panel. The reveal of Jeremy's abilities seem rushed because its lumped into these giant word balloons. It also seems to be a lot of info Stane has without swapping bodily fluid. But, if you are constrained to a set amount of pages, it cant be easily fixed. I would still try to tie in a reason why Stane knows what he knows. I hate to tell you to add more dialog at the end of this excerpt, but you could have Jeremy ask "why do you know so much? We havent exchanged any bodily fluid." and Stane says, " Oh yes we have. Your lisp is worse than Sylvester the cat. GEEZ, every time you talk I have to get out an umbrella!"

Actually, with the way that part is written, it doesn't say Stane didn't get the info from bodily fluids. "...I'd rather not say" was sort of a hint that maybe he did get info from Jeremy's bodily fluid and also why Jeremy doesn't even respond after it.

And I've seen plenty of comics where they had a large amount of text for specific panels. I try to be conscious of it but I think it'd all go down to how the artist draws the panel with space for the lettering and how the lettering is broken down. But I'll try to be a bit more conscious of it for the later scripts. Thanks, Shannon!

[GHERU]

#10: Jeremy Tableau and the Space Bitches


Page One

Panel One: We open up this story to a wide panel shot of the front of a speeding car. It is the middle of the night and hardly anyone on the street. The car is moving wildly as the passenger, our hero Jeremy Tableau, is shouting. Jeremy is a young black man of early twenties. He's wearing a white button down shirt and a loosen black tie. If we see any of Jeremy's hands, have a kukri looking knife in his hand. In the driver seat is Stane Foreign, a white thirty-forty year old looking man with white hair and a five o'clock shadow.

Jeremy: Is this the fastest you can freakin' go?! DRIVE!!

Stane: Do you want to drive your fucking self, you fucking pissant?!

Panel Two: Now a shot of Jeremy peering his head out the window looking upward.

Jeremy: Fuck! She's right on top of us!

[B]Caption: This fine ass looking fellow you're looking at right now is me, Jeremy Tableau, your friendly neighborhood nigga who just likes to have a good time.

Caption 2: In the world I live in, I'm used to the typical every day life of vampires, boogey men, death gods, succubi and incubi, trolls under bridges, evil robots on the verge of world destruction, elves, leprecauns, mermaids, alligators in the sewers, and I can go on and on.

Panel Three: A shot now of the hood of the car being crushed down onto the street, destroying the car. A humanoid looking figure, an alien of completely whitish/blueish skin has landed on the hood. Have it sort of resemble this scene from the Matrix Reloaded movie: http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h29/x ... rixref.png . Except have the alien facing the car instead of turned away from it. The alien is obviously female and has curly looking hair that resemble dreads but is white. Her eyes are completely black. She is wearing nothing.[/B]

Caption: Yet some how I get wierded out when ever I come across an alien.

Panel Four: A shot behind the alien as she's dodged a slew of bullets being shot at her by Stane, the window being broken. T[b]he gun doesn't look like a typical gun, so make it look a bit weird with some strange designs.
[/b]
Jeremy: Can't you aim?!?

Stane: I'm gonna aim this into your asshole if you don't shut up!!

Caption: The dude cussing at me is Stane Foreign, he also happens to be of the same race as the bitch who's trying to rip my head off.

Panel Five: A shot of the alien having grabbed Stane by the collar and flinging him out of the car while Jeremy is leaping out of the passenger side of the car, revealing that he's only wearing his shirt and boxers, the knife still in hand.


Page Two

Panel One: Jeremy is running through an alley way.

Caption: Okay, recap for you joining in: I've become a target of space bitches! I hooked up with these two lovely shorties from the club only to find out they were aliens when they attempted to anal probe me.

Panel Two: The alien has dropped in front of Jeremy causing him to fall back.

Alien: Don't you want me anymore, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Of course I do! I just need to freshen up.

Alien: No need. Come with me to the hive and we shall have plenty of the sex. ( )

Panel Three: Intense shot of Jeremy flinging the knife towards us.

Jeremy: To hell with that!

Panel Four: Close up of the alien just looking down, the knife deeply in her throat, red blood pouring from the wound. She is unphased.

Alien: Is this foreplay?

Panel Five: Now a shot of the alien's head blowing up.

SFX: BLAM!!! (are these this Stane's initials?)

Caption: Jeeeez!!!


Page Three

Panel One: A shot of the alien on the floor (do you mean ground? are we still in the alley?), head blown off with blood splattered around. Jeremy has been hit with some of the blood while he's removing the knife from the alien's throat. Stane is making his way with a weird looking gun. (a different one?)

Jeremy: Okay, you mind telling me what the hell is going on?

Stane: They're after you-

Jeremy: No shit!

Stane: They've been kidnapping then killing off individuals with strong magick essence. They've figured out by combining their DNA with humans with magick-based essence with a strong background legacy, they can be unstoppable.

Panel Two: Shot on Stane.

Stane: You're their next target. You have some very powerful essence in you, going back from both your mother and father's side. Your father is an agent of the Loa and also a twin. The potential for magick is sky high for you as his offspring. Your mother is a highly figured Delphi priestess. While you yourself may have knowledge of specific abilities, you have yet to tap into much of your potential abilities and how to use them effectively.

Panel Three: Looking at Jeremy now as he's stood up. He is pointing the bloody knife up into the air, his eyes closed as if he's blessing it.

Jeremy: Keep talking, I'm just conducting a spell.

Stane: The main abilities you seem to possess are of course your mother's pyrokinetics along with immunization to heat and fire with limited teleportation and some divination. From your father's side, you have your connection to Loas of the Vodou faith, possession, and lots of untapped magick. Including some weird... charming ability.

Panel Four: A panel of both now looking at each other.

Jeremy: And they found this out how?

Stane: Information gets passed to them through the exchange of bodily fluids. You've been seeing this alien for the past week or so now along with her friend. They've gathered enough intel about you and your legacy from whatever you guys have been doing... make outs, sex, you name it.

Jeremy: Okay... that explains them... what about you?

Stane: ...I'd rather not say.

Jeremy: ...
no question about why its an anal probe?
Panel Five: We're now behind the two of them as before them. From a distance is a group of more female aliens making their way towards them. Each have different hair styles, all white colored.

Stane: I'm guessing that spell you did somehow powered up that knife?

Jeremy: Yeah. It's a magical knife called a Strict Knife. It absorbs up to thirty-one properties - in this case blood - of a specific species and it allows me to cut them like butter. (is this the only one or some type of brand name?)

Stane: Alrighty then. Toast's up!


Page Four

Panel One: A wild panel of the aliens attacking. Stane has shot an alien mid-air, head blown up while Jeremy has sliced another one upward, from her chest to the top of her head, blood splattering everywhere. On the ground is a few other aliens that were already taken care of by Jeremy and Stane.

Caption: So apparently these aliens are from Mars and the women are the hunters of the race. Does that count as irony?

Panel Two: Jeremy is now against a brick wall with an alien choking him with her hand. Jeremy has sliced half way through the hand. Stane has just been punched with blood splurging out of his mouth.

Panel Three: Stane is now on the floor knocked out as the aliens have all stock-piled atop of Jeremy. (ground?)

Caption: I bet if I were a Martian, I'd be turned on right now.

Panel Four: We're now inside of the hive of the aliens, which is really in disguise under a warehouse. It resembles a medical room with bright lights with alien women around the room and a bunch of weird looking machines. Jeremy is in the middle of the room on the table. He's face down on it with his backside pointing up. His boxers is on the floor. His arms are pulled back from a strap hooked from the ceiling, his legs strapped onto the table.

Panel Five: Close up on Jeremy now looking to the side, towards us. He looks completely traumatized, eyes wide and sweat pouring out his whole face.

Caption: I've been anally probed.


Page Five

Panel One: Jeremy is now vertical, the table now moved but the strap still holding him up by his arms. His legs are entirely weakened as he can't stand straight.

Caption: The space bitches anally probed me... and now they're gonna kill me.

Alien Leader: He can be disposed (of?) .

Panel Two: Close-up on Jeremy, looking extremely weak as if he's about to pass out.

Jeremy: Wait... wait... I can still help you. You need magick essence... I can tell you the most powerful... Just... let me go... please.

Panel Three: Shot behind the alien leader as she's planted a kiss onto Jeremy's mouth. Jeremy is looking towards us with a leering eye.

Caption: Heh. Got 'em.

Panel Four: An outside shot the warehouse blowing up in flames, Stane outside walking towards it with his gun.

Stane: Whoa.

Panel Five: Stane has found Jeremy naked on the ground, face down as flames are scattered around, dissipating while all the aliens have been turned into burnt crisps.

Stane: What happened?

Jeremy: Bitches probed me.

Caption: I guess they didn't get the memo that passion sets my heart aflame.

funny
reds are suggested additions / edits / some questions
blues, mostly mean, get rid of what ever is that color

[Greg]

Very much thanks for checking this out and the suggestions. And no question why anal probe. It's what aliens do!

[Greg]

#11: Jeremy Tableau and N'yaj

Page 1

Panel One: We start off with a wide panel shot. We're in the Dream-World of the world of Jeremy Tableau. Right now we're looking at a small white figure, the shape of a little boy, sitting down. The boy looks as if he's about 5 or 6 years old. His whole body is completely white and he's naked, no genitals. The way I'm imagining the character reminds me a bit of Mike Allred’s Madman ( http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/6/64695/1450387-765__3_.jpg ) or Jeff Smith’s Bone (http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/574/89132-71203-fone-bone.jpg ). He has a strand of hair which isn't too long, sort of like Strong Man's from Marvel Comics' X-Factor ( http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/5648/322766-98540-strong-guy.jpg ), the strand also being white and looking as if it's also connected to his head, as if it’s also a body part. His eyes are also white but with a thick black outline to bring out his eyes. With all that as the basis of his design despite it being weird, he should be very cute and adorable. At this point we're not seeing his full design due to us starting the panel off with us behind him as he's sitting down on a cloud, staring into a colorful void. There's nothing really there but strange colors. This character's name is N'yaj.

Caption: My name is N'yaj.

Caption 2: And I'm waiting for my Daddy.

Caption 3: I haven't seen my Daddy since I was first born.

Caption 4: Mommy says that children in the Dream World don't ever really meet their parents.

Panel Two: Now a close-up on his face. He has a nearly blank expression with a slight look of concern on his face.

Caption: That it's very rare.

Caption 2: I'm also not allowed to go far and play around in the Dream World.

Panel Three: Another shot of N'yaj on the cloud, maybe have him be upside down. He's now looking down with a sad face.

Caption 1: Mommy says I'm not old enough. And Grampa Morpheus is very mean so I try to be a good boy.

Caption 2: Mommy says Daddy would be proud... if he ever came.

Panel Four: We're once again behind N'yaj as he's now looking up, his body direct and in excitement at the figure in front of him. A young black man in his early 20s, dressed in a black suit and hat. This is Jeremy Tableau. He has a gris-gris bag (a cloth bag) in his hand and a big smile on his face as he's looking down at N'yaj. His arms are open wide.

Jeremy: I bet I can turn that frown upside down!

N'yaj: Daddy!!!


Page 2

Panel One: A shot of the two in a happily tight embrace.

Jeremy: By Damballah, look at you! You've only been born a few months ago!

Panel Two: Now they're looking at each other, the smiles still bright on their faces.

N'yaj: I'm happy to see you, Daddy! My friends said I was lying, that you weren’t gonna come to see me.

Jeremy: You wanna prove them wrong?

Panel Three: A wide panel shot of Jeremy sitting down on a cloud and N'yaj sitting on his shoulders. The bag should also be on it. The cloud is zooming about as they're flying past a crowd of little figures, all kids and in different shapes and sizes. Make them all distinct from each other. Both Jeremy and N'yaj are pulling down their eyes while sticking their tongue out, like the little childish insults you see on animes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RedEye) .

Jeremy and N'yaj: Nyyyaaaaaaa.......!!!

Panel Four: Close-in to a shot of the two looking at each other, smiles still on their faces.

Jeremy: So what do you have planned for today?

N'yaj: I want to eat with the dodo birds!


Page 3

Panel One: We're now in an open field, the grass is a mixture of green and blue and there are dodo birds all about. Jeremy and N'yah are in the middle of the field enjoying a picnic of sorts.

N'yah: Grampa Morpheus won't let us go out, so I like to play with the birds.

Panel Two: A close up of the two, Jeremy now has a small bag in his hands with a smirk on his face. N'yaj is looking down at it, his eyes wide in glee and amazement.

Jeremy: Well guess what? Mom gave me some sand to play with.

Panel Three: A tight close up of Jeremy blowing sand at us.

Panel Four: The two are now at the center of the Earth riding a top of a dragon while being chased by a flood of magma, the magma in actually a live creature. N’yaj is tightly holding onto his dad’s stomach, his head down and pressed against it. There are also other dragons flying alongside them, some even spitting fire at the magma monster.
Caption: Daddy said his daddy used to take him dragon riding. It was scary.

Panel Five: Close-up on N’yaj’s face while still tightly against his dad’s stomach, revealing a big grin on his face.

Caption: It was so much fun.


Page 4

Panel One: Jeremy and N’yaj are now inside of a lounge looking place. They are sitting down at a table, the lounge empty for them and a few other figures at the table with them while they’re watching a black man on stage. The man is very animated in the story he’s telling. The man has a cigar in his hands and has short gray hair and an enchanting smile as he’s story-telling. He’s wearing black slacks, a Dashiki, and is barefoot. Behind the man is his shadow, the shadow of a giant spider against the wall. There are some cobwebs stuck and hanging on parts of the wall and ceiling. This man on stage is actually Anansi, the Spider god/trickster. On the table are Jeremy’s hat and a plate of food, N’yaj sipping a cup of chocolate milk shake. Jeremy is sitting down on his chair while leaning the seat back and having his leg on the table. At the table with them is a black man with tear up and dirty clothes. This is John the Conqueror. Also with them is a humanoid rabbit dressed in a blue suit. This is Br’er Rabbit.

Caption: After dragon riding, Daddy took me to hear some stories by Mr. Nancy. His stories were funny. Daddy said he is the best storyteller of all time.

Caption: A guy named John the Con’cer and Brother Rabbit was there too.

Panel Two: Jeremy and N’yaj are now in the middle of a forest as they’re sitting down playing with Vodou drums. Jeremy’s suit is now all white. Have them resemble these, specifically the slower drum with is the Boule drum that’s made out of cow skin and is used in Haitian Vodou Rada ceremonies to summon and worship the Haitian Loa/Gods ( http://haitiforever.com/windowsonhaiti/rhythms2.jpg ). Around them are thick mists and colorfully vivid spirits all dancing around them as they’re playing the drums. Around them are also some Vodou dolls/poppets specifically of the Loas themselves and also veves. Veves are designs specifically for the Loas. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veve. There are also plates of food, spices, bottles of all sorts, peppers, fruits…

Caption: Daddy then taught me how to play the drums and how to meet some of the Vodou Lwa. We had a fun party and he taught me some dances to honor the spirits.

Panel Three: They are now deep in the forest, the party is now finished. They are standing behind the trees watching an old man fitting down on a log, interacting with various forest animals. The man is Papa Bois of the Trinidadian folklore, the father and guardian of the forest. The man is black and very old but tall. He has wooden horns coming out of his head and two cloven hooves for feet. His beard is made of leaves and flowers and even has a frog in it. He also has a satchel and hollowed out bull-horn on his side. http://artsocietytt.org/images/2006NovE ... pabois.jpg

Caption: After the party Daddy and me walked in the forest and got to meet Papa Bois. He is the keeper of the forest. Daddy said to always be polite to Papa Bois and told me what to say to him when you first meet him.

Panel Four: A shot now of N’yaj smiling as he’s face to face with Papa Bois who returns him with a very soft smile.

N’yaj: Bon jour, Vieux Papa.

Panel Five: Jeremy and N’yaj are now in the middle of a crossroad. Every area to the horizon is completely empty as if in a dried desert.

Caption: After that, Daddy took me to the Crossroads. He said when I get older I will have to go down different paths to know myself. He said in time Papa Legba may guide me.


Page 5

Panel One: Jeremy and N’yaj are now at the beach, lying upon a wooden raft, asleep and holding each other.

Caption: After a long day, Daddy and I slept on the ocean. It was relaxing.

Panel Two: Jeremy is now walking in a field with N’yah sitting upon his shoulder. Jeremy is now dressed in black again and his hat is now being worn by N’yaj. Jeremy has the large gris-gris bag with him. The two have smiles on their faces. A few yards away from them is a small house and Selene, N’yaj’s mother standing there awaiting them. She is pale skinned, long black hair to her bottom and dressed in a long white, flowing gown.

Caption: Daddy then took me home and Mommy was happy to see us.

Panel Three: Selene and Jeremy are now in each other’s arms smiling, talking to each other. We see the back of N’yaj’s head watching his parents.

Caption: I wish Daddy was able to stay with us. Mommy looks so happy.

Panel Four: Jeremy is now knelt down in front of N’yaj, whose still wearing his father’s black hat. Jeremy is giving him the gris-gris bag and a Vodou poppet that resembles Jeremy.

Caption: Daddy said he’ll be back to see me. He made a deal with Grampa Morpheus to come visit me every two months. Daddy gave me his gris-gris bag and said it has a lot of cool goodies. He also gave me a poppet and said whenever I think about him I can just play with it.

Panel Five: We’re behind N’yaj and Selene as they’re waving good bye to Jeremy who’s walking away in the distance and waving good bye at them. Selene has her arm around her son’s shoulder.

Caption: We said good-bye. I had fun with Daddy. I can’t wait to see him again.

Panel Six: A close-up on N’yaj with his father’s hat on his head with a smile on his face.

[shannonh]

Look at you throwing in the reference links. Sorry I didnt make it to NYcomic con. I heard I didnt miss any penciler recruiting. Although, you never know...

[Greg]

Look at you throwing in the reference links. Sorry I didnt make it to NYcomic con. I heard I didnt miss any penciler recruiting. Although, you never know...

Dude, aren't references awesome? I think they also really teach you some stuff, like the link to the veve wiki page, etc. But yeah, man, the convention was a ton of fun. I was there for all three days. Woulda been really darn kool to meet and chill for a bit, bro!

Also, no racey stuff in this Tableau tale!

[shannonh]

Dude, aren't references awesome? I think they also really teach you some stuff, like the link to the veve wiki page, etc. But yeah, man, the convention was a ton of fun. I was there for all three days. Woulda been really darn kool to meet and chill for a bit, bro!

Also, no racey stuff in this Tableau tale!

Reference is great when a writer wants to put in specific details. I also like when a writer lets the artist envision what he wants. It's kind of a fine line we walk. There can be too much of either way. But dont stop! Reference is a good thing!

This economy sux. Maybe I'll make it to NY in 2011.