In retrospect, it looks like Gunn made the right choice in rewriting his apology.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
The internet was in a forgiving mood today after Guardians of the Galaxy director James "Billy Tim Peter" Gunn issued an apology for his controversial statements on a two year old superhero sex blog. However, The Outhouse has learned that the apology that was finally released was far different from the original draft. After test footage of the original apology tested poorly with focus groups, the apology was sent back for reshoots to soften the director's insensitive commentary and also to include more footage of popular beefcake actor Channing Tatum.
Luckily, The Outhouse was able to obtain this test footage by totally making it up using only our imagination, and we present our account of the original apology below:
"I realize that not all lesbians are hot, buxom redheads just waiting for a man to come along and screw them into heterosexuality," the apologetic director began. "Many of them, most even, are pretty butch and manly. They've got short haircuts, wear backwards baseball caps, and don't shave their armpits."
"No man would want to bang them," Gunn explained, "but I would definitely let them change the oil on my car."
"They are also really talented bowlers," he added, "and are unbeatable at softball."
Gunn also apologized for his remarks about toxic Batgirl Stephanie Brown. "Look, I said some things about teen moms that weren't very nice. It was wrong of me to say that teen moms were easy. It may be true, but those chicks probably put on a bunch of weight during the pregnancy, and besides, with a kid hanging around, they're not going to be able to give a man the full attention he requires, to do things like cook him dinner or wash his laundry."
"So you probably shouldn't try to have sex with them," he finished. "I know I wouldn't."
Finally, Gunn addressed the allegedly homophobic comments about the male characters on his list.
"I'm a huge supporter of gay men," he told reporters. "I really respect that they only have frequent, casual sexual encounters, and never get involved in committed relationships. That kind of morally corrupt lifestyle must be a lot of fun, and I appreciate that it means they don't need to be able to legally get married, which saves money for taxpayers."
Gunn smiled and nodded, oblivious to his own buffoonery, as a shirtless Tatum walked past the podium.
The footage abruptly ends as a stout, short-haired woman charges the stage, unplugs Gunn's microphones, and kicks him in the genitals with her Doc Marten boots.
After considering the footage carefully, The Outhouse believes Gunn likely made the right decision in reshooting the apology, and we wish him the best of luck in his recovery from being branded a sexist, misogynistic, homophobic monster on the internet.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!