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<( ' . ' )>

Postby Keb » Sun May 04, 2008 4:02 am

Give me an honest opinion of what you think of this story (so far, it's not done).
Tony wakes up from Tony’s sleep afraid that the evil men in green jumpsuits are in Tony’s apartment and looking through Tony’s kitchen drawers. Tony knows that the evil men in green jumpsuits will only come if Tony doesn’t take Tony’s trash out when Tony has to. Tony is not paranoid, Tony just knows things that people don’t really tell Tony except when they sleep and Tony gets to read the dream bubbles that pop up over their heads. Tony loves to read the dream bubbles but Tony can only do it at the old peoples’ home where Tony works because Tony is unable to break into random strangers’ homes and read their dream bubbles. Tony wishes Tony could find the perfect symphony for Tony to fall asleep to but the only thing perfect in Tony’s world is the bag of baby carrots Tony bought at the supermarket two days ago for two dollars and thirty five cents.

When Tony puts on Tony’s robe, Tony feels slightly less afraid of the evil men in green jumpsuits. Tony swears Tony heard someone rifling through the drawers and Tony thinks Tony will grab his Louisville Slugger baseball bat made of out metal that Tony once used to it a home run during a work softball game back in nineteen ninety seven and bring it across the head of the evil men in green jumpsuits when Tony walks into his kitchens and finds them rifling through Tony’s drawers licking each and every individual tea spoon that Tony owns. Tony slips on Tony’s left slipper and when Tony’s foot slides towards Tony’s right slipper Tony accidentally kicks it out through the door of Tony’s room and into the living. Tony thinks ‘shit’ to Tony’s self and drop to the floor and crawls out to retrieve the slipper that has slid into the adjoining space between Tony’s bedroom, living room and kitchen.

Tony, being very skinny, slides across the carpeted floor of the adjoining space like a snake and feels the fibers of the carpet rub against Tony’s nipples and it feels unpleasant. Tony keeps the Louisville Slugger baseball bat cradled by Tony’s chest and when Tony slides towards the slipper, gathers it and slides to a spot in the room directly above a light switch, Tony pops up onto Tony’s feet and turns on the light and there is absolutely no trace of the evil men in green jumpsuits. Tony curses “fuckfuckfuck” in the middle of the night and walks over into the kitchen and opens each drawer and checks to see if anything has been misplaced but everything is there. Tony gets to the drawer where Tony keeps Tony’s tea spoons and Tony checks the first tea spoon, sticking it to Tony’s nose to check if the tea spoon has any residual saliva on it. Tony likes words like “residual”. Tony checks the second one and there is no saliva. Tony checks the third and fourth tea spoons together because this routine is getting to be irritating. On the fourth tea spoon there is a slight discolouration, and Tony swears it may be saliva but when Tony holds it to the light, Tony realizes that it is not and Tony is sleepy and needs to sleep and stop imagining things.

Tony wanders over to Tony’s couch that smells of Kraft Dinner and sometimes like Tony’s mother’s laundry hamper and lies on it and thinks about how the couch has served Tony well since Tony found it lying in front of a very rich house down the street from where Tony lives. Tony begins to think about why Tony doesn’t spend Tony’s nights off doing anything productive like writing a manual about how to keep the evil men in green jumpsuits away or channeling the right energies through sexual intercourse in order to begin to read other peoples’ dream bubbles or maybe even writing a book about a day or two in the life of Tony. Tony feels an itch in Tony’s pubic hairs and begins to scratch around the general area of where Tony feels the itch until Tony realizes that Tony’s crotch is warm and Tony leaves Tony’s hand there. Falling asleep after that is really easy.
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Tony walks over to his apartment window at the other end of this room that acts as an adjoining livingroom/diningroom/kitchen and stares out the window. Tony’s back hurts. The sun in shining on the parking lot and the shiny parts of the cars are reflecting that sun into the summer, but Tony is safe because Tony’s apartment building is shading Tony from the reflecting light. Tony thinks that the light that reflects off the shiny parts of cars is really the government trying to gain access into human brains so they can make people buy more corn chips and salsa. The sun is setting and Tony has to get ready for work.

Tony’s nightly routine of preparation for work begins with a shave. Tony pops the protective casing from the dual-razored shaver, checks the lubrication strip, and then fills the sink with hot water. When the sink is half-full of steaming hot water, Tony adds a slight amount of cold water to the hot to make the water less hot, then splashes some on his face. Tony turns off the tap, opens the shaving cream bottle and applies shaving cream to Tony’s face. Tony uses Gillette shaving cream, not shaving gel, because Tony believes that there are nanomachines in the shaving gel that enter one’s pores and then flow into the bloodstream. Tony is not paranoid, just cautious. Tony lathers, then begins shaving. When Tony removes all the beard stubble from Tony’s face, Tony takes a pair of small scissors and a comb and trims the moustache hair so Tony’s moustache is neat. Tony likes his moustache because it makes Tony feel thirty-five and people don’t think Tony is a younger age. Tony likes feeling as old as Tony is.

The rest of the preparation is the same, the shower, brushing Tony’s teeth, changing into Tony’s scrubs, applying Tony’s deodorant and so on. Tony then grabs the lunch Tony packed before Tony went to sleep the morning before, and also an energy bar and heads out the door. As Tony locks the door, the phone in Tony’s apartment begins ringing. Tony re-enters and answers the phone:

”Ah, hey, Tony. Tony, it’s Mitch. You there? It’s Mitch.” Mitch is Tony’s boss at work.
“Yes, Tony’s here.”
“Ah, yeah, Tony, look before you come in, for y’know, for work, could you do me a favour and grab me some coffees?” Mitch asks. Mitch usually calls Tony for coffees before work, but Mitch usually calls a few minutes earlier. Tony thinks that he must be busy at work.
“Sure boss, Tony can do that. Anything else Tony can do for you?”
“Nah, nah I think that’s great Tony, that’s great. Yeah it’s been a real shitcan here tonight. A real fuckin’ shitcan. Get here as soon as you can, Tony.”

Tony bids Mitch farewell and hurries out of Tony’s apartment and to Tony’s car. Mitch and the others at work may need Tony. Tony backs out of his parking space, flies out of the parking lot, down the street, and towards the Donut Diner five minutes away from Tony’s building. Tony goes through the drive-thru to save some time:

“Hi donut diner can take your order?” the speaker that sounds like a woman says.
“Yes, can Tony get three large coffees, two with cream and sugar, and one with just cream (that one is for Tony).”
“Sure, and what would you like?”
”That’s all.”
There is a silence on the speaker. It comes to life and tells Tony it’s five twenty-two and drive through please. Tony drives to window, goes into the ashtray of Tony’s car for the change and hands the woman a twoonie, two loonies and five quarters. She glances at Tony, then Tony’s passenger seat, then hands Tony the coffees in a tray and Tony tells her to keep the change. Tony rolls up his window, driving as fast as Tony can towards work.
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Like I said, it's not done, and there are more things I plan on putting 3rd person Tony through, but I'm not sure how the narration plays out. It's supposed to be a first person narrator, who narrates in third person, essentially, the narrator is Tony, and Tony talks in the third person. No idea why (I don't want to really give him a reason to). I like it so far, but any "he" or "his" referring to Tony is an accident and an example of undisciplined writing. Thanks for reading. Oh, and Tony is not in any way modeled on our Tony. I just like the name.
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Alex Delarge

Post Whore

Postby Alex Delarge » Tue May 06, 2008 9:02 am

If your intent was to make it sound schizophrenic, congratulations. Personally, I find the repeated references to Tony in 3rd person as a bit...I don't know...redundant. If there were a way for you to write this with fewer references to self I think it would be stronger. You can emphasize the 3rd-person self-references without going overboard.
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The Goddamn Bat-min

Postby nietoperz » Tue May 06, 2008 9:19 am

Actually, I agree with Alex: I think you kind of over-egged the pudding with the third person stuff. You need to be a bit more subtle, I think.
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<( ' . ' )>

Postby Keb » Tue May 06, 2008 10:16 am

Alex Delarge wrote:If your intent was to make it sound schizophrenic, congratulations. Personally, I find the repeated references to Tony in 3rd person as a bit...I don't know...redundant. If there were a way for you to write this with fewer references to self I think it would be stronger. You can emphasize the 3rd-person self-references without going overboard.
Thanks. I'll work on it while I write the rest (if and when I do) and then try to edit it out later.

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