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It's a nice day for a Red Wedding
Dear non-book readers: I’m so, so, so sorry. But this is just how GRRM rolls. Let us delay no longer.
Robb is playing Risk: Westeros Edition again. He spells out his plan very slowly and clearly for his mother and the slower and more forgetful of television viewers. He is set to storm Casterly Rock, hopefully ousting the Lannisters and all their powerful rich glory in one fell swoop. Of course, a lot of his plan is contingent on the co-operation of the Freys. He asks Catelyn his advice, and she tells him to go balls to the wall. (I paraphrased.)
Robb and his posse take bread and salt at the Twins, a symbol of hospitality and good faith. Robb is then forced to give his kiss-ass apology to the many daughters/granddaughters of the Frey family. Uncle Edmure scans their somewhat homely faces, cringing at the knowledge that he is being forced to marry one of them. Walder Frey checks out Talissa and declares that his family was scorned for a healthy set of tits- a scorn he can appreciate. After objectifying her a bit more, he calls for a celebration. Hooray!
Dany is having trouble reading a map, so Daario comes to help her out, much to Jorah’s dismay. He is distrustful of Daario, mostly because he keeps making eyes at Dany. Who keeps making them back. And let me tell you- Jorah doesn’t like Dany like a kindly old father figure would. They hatch a plan to have Daario, Grey Worm, and Jorah sneak into the city gates to let the army in.
Sam rambles to Gilly about the history of the Wall. She calls him a wizard for being able to read. (If that’s all it takes to be a wizard then where is my Hogwarts letter?!)
Arya and Sandor come upon some jolly old man pulling a cart to the wedding. Clegane strikes him and makes to kill him, but she intervenes. She talks him out of killing the man, mostly by using those proper lady manners of hers that she eschews so much. When he says she’ll get killed for her kindness she whacks the old man back across his head. The Hound pretty obviously has no idea what to make of that. I assume he’s mentally comparing her to Sansa a bit.
Bran and his motley band find a tower to camp in for the night. Somewhere nearby, Jon and his Wildlings are set to attack an old man who breeds the Watch’s horses. Jon argues against killing him, but that whole “don’t murder” thing is not really the Wildling’s style. He manages to spook the horses a bit, allowing the old man to see them coming and giving the old man time to escape on one of the horses.
The Hound makes fun of Arya for being scared she won’t make it back to her mother despite the fact they can see the Twins. (Who’s going to feel stupid when this is all over?) She retorts by ridiculing of his fear of fire. He makes a jab about Ned’s beheading, and she counters by stating that she will one day run a sword through his eye. Welp, that escalated quickly.
The Wildlings converge to the same tower Bran & co. are camped out in. Hodor is Hodoring because he’s scared of the thunderstorm. His Hodoring attracts the ever-vigilant eyes of Oren, but Bran wargs into him and shuts him up. Meanwhile, Oren (seriously dude, stop causing problems) tells Mance to have Jon kill the old man; when he can’t, everything goes to shit. The wildlings attack Jon, who tries to fight back and refuses Ygritte’s help. Of course, he’s wildly outnumbered- until Bran wargs into Summer and fends off some of the wildlings. Jon also gets to stab Oren, though not before the wildling wargs into his bird and pecks out a lot of his face. Jon escapes on horseback, leaving Mance and Ygritte behind. She is heartbroken.
Daario, Grey Worm, and Jorah attempt to execute (heh) their plan. Much to Jorah’s surprise, Daario does not betray them; however, he does miscalculate what a “few” guards are. The three of them are surrounded.
Walder walks his veiled daughter up the aisle to Edmure. Possibly the worst surprise ever awaits him (I mean, the actual worst surprise ever awaits him, but bear with me) when that veil is moved. However, Frey surprises everyone and hands off a very pretty daughter to Edmure, who is visibly pleased.
Bran tells Rickon that he saw Jon. He also sends Osha and Rickon away, in order to protect the heir of Winterfell. Bran, Hodor, and the Reeds will travel far north of the Wall so he can find a three-eyed crow.
Dany is nervous waiting for the return of her Queensguard. Jorah and Grey Worm come back, covered in blood but excited- the plan went perfectly, and the slave soldiers threw down their spears to fight for freedom. Dany asks about Daario, much to Jorah’s irritation. Said Fabio-esque man comes strutting in, and lays the flag of the sacked city at her feet.
The musicians play loudly at the feast. Everyone is having a merry old time and the northmen are getting splendidly drunk. I was at a wedding last night and I did exactly the same, so I can respect that. Edmure and his Frey are sent off for the bedding. The Frey women all file out and a guard closes the door behind them as the band strikes up playing The Rains of Castamere. Catelyn is next to Roose Bolton, and realises he’s wearing armour. As the horror dons upon her, she calls out for her son and slaps Bolton and everything goes straight to hell. Talissa gets stabbed several times in her stomach and Robb’s bannermen are slaughtered by the dozen; Robb takes a half-dozen crossbow bolts in his back. Outside, Arya tries to sneak into the feast and reunite with her family; instead she sees Grey Wind get slaughtered. God almighty, that poor child. Clegane catches up to her and knocks her out to drag her away.
Back inside, Robb drags himself to his newly dead wife and Catelyn makes a bold move, grabbing Frey’s wife, who was trapped in the bloodbath, and threatening Walder. He shrugs, saying he can find a new wife. Robb gets his throat slit, Catelyn cries out and slices Lady Frey’s throat, and a guard cuts her throat in return, blood spraying everywhere. The Red Wedding: brought to you by Quentin Tarantino.
This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Based on my facebook feed everyone is real pissed off right about now. Next week I’m sure we’ll get reactions and the what have you. Listen, I’d talk more, but I just spent four days doing stuff for my friends’ wedding and I fly back above the Mason-Dixon line in about four hours and I’m really just tired of thinking about weddings, Red or otherwise. Until the finale!
P.S. GO HAWKS
Written or Contributed by Dr. Improbable
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