Monday, December 5, 2016 • Evening Edition • "Where your childhood dreams don't have to die alone."

The Outhouse - The Greatest Comic Book Forum

Comics news, comic book reviews, feature articles about comics, interviews with comic creators, plus the greatest comic book and pop culture discussion in the Outhouse forums!

Advertisement

A request of Lord Simian

Hey you! Reader! Want to be a part of the GREATEST COMIC BOOK AND GEEK COMMUNITY on the web?! Well, they're not accepting new members, but we'll take anyone here, so why not sign up for a free acount? It's fast and it's easy, like your mom! Sign up today! Membership spots are limited!*

*Membership spots not really limited!

User avatar

thefourthman

Outhouse Editor

Postby thefourthman » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:04 pm

Would you please regale us with one of your illuminating tales of the early days of Kong?
User avatar

MoneyMelon

Chief Yankee Wanker

Postby MoneyMelon » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:05 pm

I'm totally sitting indian style, eagerly awaiting a tale :shock:
User avatar

daitong

penile prisoner

Postby daitong » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:05 pm

MoneyMelon wrote:I'm totally sitting indian style, eagerly awaiting a tale :shock:


I just started a fire. Let's gather round.
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:09 pm

But of course, my beloved Children of Kong. Gather round, and I shall once again share with you the true meaning of Chimpmas....

Before time began, there was Almighty Kong. And he saw that there was but the void, and he was displeased.

"Dude", thought Kong, "What the hell am I gonna do Saturday night if there's no cool clubs? Or Saturday nights?"

And thus, that Great Ape knew what must be done. He cupped his buttocks in his hands, and strained as hard as he could. And he shit like no one had ever shit before, because yea verily.... no one HAD ever shit before. And he flung that poo across the multiverse, and thus created reality as you and I know it. And he took special care to create Saturday nights, really cool bars, and hot drunk chicks.

But there was a kernal of stinky corn in his poo. And that corn became the Plumber, foul, evil, base defiler of all he touches. And that Plumber looked around, and he saw Almighty Kong, in his favorite bar, on a Saturday night, dancing with a hottie named Princess Peach. And the Plumber did desire her, not because she was a hottie (for, you see, the Plumber had a thing secretly going with his brother, The Green Plumber, born from a lesser kernel).... but because she was Kongs. And the Plumber did lure Kong outside, and attacked him from behind, and kidnapped Kong's chippie.

And Kong was righteously pissed. He cursed the Plumber, that he would ever be tormented by horny turtles and mushroom people, and as a sign of Kong's wrath, he sent the Prophet, Donkey, to the Earth, with a message. And that message, as written by Donkey the Prophet, and kept alive by generations of Lawgivers, and related to the masses by Caesar the First, Caesar the Benevolent, is thus:

""Where there is fire, there is smoke. And in that smoke, from this day forward, my people will crouch and conspire and PLOT and PLAN for the inevitable day of Man's downfall - the day when he finally and self-destructively turns his weapons against his own kind. The day of the writing in the sky, when your cities lie buried under radioactive rubble! When the sea is a dead sea, and the land is a wasteland out of which I will lead my people from their captivity! And we shall build our own cities in which there will be no place for humans except to serve our ends! And we shall found our own armies, our own religion, our own dynasty! And that day is upon you NOW! But now, now we will put away our hatred. Now, we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, And those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Except for plumbers. All servants of the Plumber can go fuck themselves, and the koopa they rode in on."

And so, every year, to honor the covenant of Kong, man and ape alike unite in sharing gifts, loving one another, singing carols.... and telling plumbers to go fuck themselves.
User avatar

MoneyMelon

Chief Yankee Wanker

Postby MoneyMelon » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:12 pm

*applause* :-D
User avatar

thefourthman

Outhouse Editor

Postby thefourthman » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:12 pm

:-D :smt005 :smt004 8) :smt025 :smt023 :smt026 :smt041 :smt040 :smt038 :smt037 :smt043 :smt044 :smt045 :smt080 :smt081 :smt082
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:18 pm

Thank you, my sons. Reflect on the meaning of this tale. Next time, I shall tell you more of the Kong/Plumber wars, and the Coming of The Lizard.
User avatar

C20Percent

rubber spoon

Postby C20Percent » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:58 pm

I think you just provided spoilers to House of Mystery #3.
User avatar

Starlord

Outhouse Editor

Postby Starlord » Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:03 am

I sit in awe.... true awe... All Hail Kong!!!!
User avatar

Zenguru

Staff Writer

Postby Zenguru » Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:51 am

starlord wrote:I sit in awe.... true awe... All Hail Kong!!!!
*sigh* :roll:

Mention "coming of the lizard" and starlord zips right in. :roll:

:-D
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:08 pm

Yeah, that's kinda his thing. :D
User avatar

Starlord

Outhouse Editor

Postby Starlord » Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:17 pm

The Lizard! Where's the lizard?!?!

Show me the lizard!!!! :smt041
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:21 pm

Beware what you wish for. The story of the Lizard is a great tragedy...
User avatar

Starlord

Outhouse Editor

Postby Starlord » Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:25 pm

Lord Simian wrote:Beware what you wish for. The story of the Lizard is a great tragedy...


:o Oh no, no tragedy. I figured it was a happy story about a lizard and his handy friends.
User avatar

thefourthman

Outhouse Editor

Postby thefourthman » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:21 pm

okay, your birthday is over and I'm bored. Can I have a story?

leave a comment with facebook


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: e_galston, Eric Ratcliffe, FaceBook [Linkcheck], Herald, Pizza Dog, Sarahroo, sdsichero, VaderTheTrader and 41 guests