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80 Year Old Man Upset to Learn Lone Ranger is John Carter Sized Bomb

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Chris

Rain Partier

Postby Chris » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:45 am

80 Year Old Man Upset to Learn Lone Ranger is John Carter Sized Bomb

The Octogenarian was really looking forward to the movie based on the old timey radio show from the 1930s.



Source: Yahoo

80 year old Stanley Moore of Los Angeles is one of the world's youngest fans of pulp heroes, so, as you can imagine, he was extremely excited for Disney's Lone Ranger movie, which hit theaters this past weekend. Unfortunately, despite the presence of Depp and other Pirates franchise names, such as producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski, most moviegoers were not fooled into believing this was a movie they should be interested in. The film made an estimated $49 million dollars over its five day opening, far short of the first place Despicable Me 2, and worse than last year's massive pulp hero bomb, John Carter.

So, it was with a heavy heart that we set out to let old Stanley know that the movie didn't do well in theaters.

"Cheaters?! I knew it! No good dirty poker cheats! I'll get my gun!" exclaimed Stanley, who was dressed up in a colorfol cowboy outfit, not in anticipation of the film, but because he suffers from an extreme case of dementia.

We explained to Stanley that were weren't talking about cheaters, but movie theaters, and that The Lone Ranger failed to make any money at the box office. It was a massive flop.

"A smelly wop?!" shouted Stanley, misunderstanding our statements as a slur against Italian Americans. "The doorman let him in here?"

We ignored Stanley's racist outburst. He is, after all, from another time. Instead, we patiently explained that The Lone Ranger did poorly in movie theaters this weekend, and that this had to hurt the chances for major movie companies making any more films about pulp heroes, particularly westerns.

"What?" asked a saddened Stanley, seeming to finally comprehend us for once. His eyes welled up with tears, and we suddenly felt very sorry for him.

Stanley loves pulp heroes. He's loved them since he was a boy, and all he wants in his twilight years is to enjoy seeing his childhood idols reborn in comics and big budget movies. It brings joy to his aging heart, allowing him to capture that feeling of wonder and excitement that he knew as a boy. It's one of the few pleasures in life that remains for Stanley, and we hate to see it put in danger by the frivolous budget choices and fickle nature of big Hollywood studios. It just isn't right, is all.

"No more pulp movies?" asked a defeated Stanley.

We told him that it doesn't look likely. The problem is that studios kept throwing a budget at these movies that was far bigger than needed. We realized our mistake as soon as the words left our mouth.

"It was their fault?!" asked a reinvigorated Stanley. "Paula Deen was right!"

We had to cut him off there. Stanley is a nice old guy, and he means well, but he grew up in a time when values were different. He doesn't know any better.

"I've got my shotgun!" shouted Stanley, enraged. "Let's go!"

Look, we've gotta calm him down before he says something else he'll regret. We'll keep you updated on the Lone Ranger's box office performance.

"Hi ho, silver!" shouted Stanley, kicking imaginary spurs into an imaginary horse.

Poor guy.



Written or Contributed by Jude Terror


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nietoperz

The Goddamn Bat-min

Postby nietoperz » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:45 am

Not surprised: it looks fucking awful.
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Chris

Rain Partier

Postby Chris » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:46 am

It got shitty reviews, and it looked awful. I couldn't be less interested in this.
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Frag

REAL OFFICIAL President of the Outhouse

Postby Frag » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:47 am

Shame. It was actually good.
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Rockman

Rain Partier

Postby Rockman » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:48 am

has it released internationally yet? Depp seems to be pretty big overseas.

As for this I thought it looked like a lot of fun and will try and see it tuesday.
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S.F. Jude Terror

OMCTO

Postby S.F. Jude Terror » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:50 am

A rampant success compared to Man of Steel though.

/Hektre'd
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Frag

REAL OFFICIAL President of the Outhouse

Postby Frag » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:53 am

John Carter had a higher budget ($250 million) and made $30 million opening weekend.
This will do overseas. Definitely a bomb, but not as bad as John Carter.

For some reason people wanted to killed this movie. Even this article which compares the two movies weekend numbers is bias because LR opened two days earlier on a long weekend. It's apples and oranges.
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Chris

Rain Partier

Postby Chris » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:56 am

ReturnoftheMack wrote:John Carter had a higher budget ($250 million)


No, they were the same.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-v ... epp-336526

The original budget was at $250M... then it got cut back to $215M because of worries it was too much... then they shot past that when it resumed production.

Several sources say the effects-heavy Lone Ranger is now back at its original cost of $250 million, while one source close to the production says it has surpassed that figure.
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Rockman

Rain Partier

Postby Rockman » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:56 am

because people love a train wreck frag.
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Chris

Rain Partier

Postby Chris » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:57 am

"It's out of control," says one insider of the spending, "but if you were going to bet on anyone, it would be on Gore, Johnny and Jerry."


Oops. :lol:
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Chris

Rain Partier

Postby Chris » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:58 am

Rockman wrote:because people love a train wreck frag.


I think the fact that it's supposed to be a huge summer blockbuster, but it already faced a ton of problems at the development and production level with the budget and production shutting down... then getting ripped to shreds by reviews... it all adds up.
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Rockman

Rain Partier

Postby Rockman » Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:04 pm

yep a total trainwreck.

I think reviewers let their predisposed notions about a product affect their reviews too much. They know it's had a troubled production and can't stay under budget and all these other problems, they're frothing at the mouth to tear it apart, so they are way more harsh than they should be.

Especially since this is the team that gave us three wildly successful and critically lambasted Pirates movies as well I think it compounded that, like "ha finally gotcha!!"

I haven't seen it, but everyone who has seems to say that it is a fun but flawed film, I wouldn't really expect anything else.
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syxxpakk

Wrasslin' Fan

Postby syxxpakk » Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:23 pm

Now this is a crash and burn, which is something of a shame. I really believe that last 30-40 minutes are my favorite moments on film this year. The final showdown is immensely fun. But yeah, at 2.5 hours they could have cut a great deal down in between.
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Punchy

Staff Writer

Postby Punchy » Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:38 pm


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The Old Doctor

A Damn Cuddly Beast

Postby The Old Doctor » Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:40 pm

So what's their big bomb next year? You know, the hat trick? John Carter + Lone Ranger + ? ..... Doc Savage?

Plus, I can't help but note that the Lone Ranger seems to be unable to be remade at all without bombing. The last attempt bombed hard, this one is...

Second plus, why is it that almost any movie based on old heroes of pulp fiction or radio or comic strips or even film serials, tend to bomb?

The Shadow, The Phantom, John Carter, Lone Ranger, Green Hornet... kaboom.

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