*Membership spots not really limited!
Damage to property and infrastructure from Hurricane Sandy is expected to be devastating, but not nearly as devastating as the damage to the comic book public relations industry.
As the superstorm, Hurricane Sandy, brings floods across the Eastern Seaboard, a tidal wave of unsent press releases and graphical teasers is building in the outboxes of PR reps at Marvel and DC Comics. Both companies, based out of New York City, are unable to send press releases out to the media while their offices are closed for the weather, which is wreaking havoc on the twenty-four hour comics news cycle. As millions go without electricity or running water in affected areas, millions more across the country will have to go without the latest information about the upcoming Deadpool relaunch or news of whether or not Batman #13 is going back to press for a fourth printing.
"We have this really important series of sixteen teasers that build up to an announcement of a new Avengers book," said Tom Brevoort, communicating via carrier pigeon from the roof of his home. "We were dying to get a start on this Monday, but due to the storm, we'll have to put out three a day for the rest of the week just to catch up. And that doesn't even take into account the number of exclusive fluff interviews for sites like CBR and IGN."
The storm is affecting companies in other ways as well. There are unconfirmed reports that Valiant has pulled its sponsorship of Hurricane Sandy after it refused to dress like Bloodshot. The deal was said to cost Hurricane Sandy a low six figure sum. On a related note, Bluewater announced that it would be publishing a biography comic of the hurricane, showing its progression from butterfly wing flaps to destructive force of nature.
Marvel, for its part, is considering a lawsuit against the storm for infringements on its copyrights of destroying New York city with giant tidal waves, an idea recycled frequently by the company for a Namor the Submariner appearance or an Ultimate Comics line reboot.
"We're not going to let an overgrown tropical storm trample all over our intellectual property," said Joe Quesada, who was floating through Times Square in a canoe fashioned out of an old-timey bathtub, "no matter how many high or low pressure systems it has merged with." Quesada also announced that it would be releasing "Hurricane Sandy" variant covers, depicting the hurricane as various Marvel heroes.
The company is expected to
exploit commemorate the storm with a special tribute issue in which Marvel's heroes pitch in to clean up the wreckage caused by the event, and in which Marvel's most popular character, Wolverine, kills the storm with his claws. "I ain't met an act of nature I can't stab, bub," said the surly mutant. In the Marvel Universe, the heroes will blame the storm on Storm in order to quietly remove her from contention for leader of the X-Men and make her even more boring than she already is.
Dan Didio, meanwhile, has expressed excitement over the story possibilities Hurricane Sandy has provided. "We've been planning our Aquaman vs. Weather Wizard storyline for some time now, and we feel this is the perfect marketing opportunity."
The storm has presented other opportunities for DC as well, serving as a convenient excuse to further shit on fan favorite characters. "We were all set to go with those Fourth Wave Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, Donna Troy, and Wally West books," said Didio, who was standing at the mast of a Viking warship being rowed through choppy floodwaters by a team of oompa loompas, "but they were all destroyed in a flood, though our marketing department is telling me that calling it a 'Wave' might be in poor taste due to the hurricane."
Authorities are looking into whether the drinking water supply will need to be cleansed after contamination by the toxic characters.
On the bright side, suggested Didio, collectors of pre-reboot DC comics may be finally find a use for their collections after they were rendered irrelevant by last year's reboot. "You won't believe how those Geoff Johns Flash Omnibus's are surprisingly good blockers of water."
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!