The Outhouse can exclusively reveal the name of the villain in Marvel's next big super-mega-crossover event: 'Who Watches the Neighborhood Watchmen?'
Source: Bleeding Cool
Bleeding Cool recently located an official teaser Image from Marvel showing a chalk outline of The Watcher, a member of a race of immortal alien beings that observe important events in the universe.
Oh yeah! That's the real deal, fella! And while there's nothing official known about this event yet, The Outhousers are experts at decoding this kind of cryptic comic book publisher propaganda.
To figure this out, you first have to ask yourself, who could possibly kill such a powerful space god, but, more importantly, who would even want to? The guy's not a threat to anyone! Sure, the Watcher could never really be said to be minding his own business, since he is, after all, watching, but he's certainly not bothering anyone, and he has the right to stand there and watch stuff if he feels like it. It's a free planet! Clearly, only one person could be up to the task of murdering an innocent space god for doing nothing more than standing outside in the rain at night: renowned vigilante and (technically not guilty so don't sue us) reckless child murderer George Zimmerman.
"He looked suspicious," Zimmerman told The Outhouse in an exclusive interview, confirming our theories. "Just standing there, not saying anything, watching. I knew he wasn't from this neighborhood because he was about three stories tall and his eyes were glowing. I'm not racist, but I just don't think giant aliens have any business in my neighborhood, you know?"
But Uatu did have a reason to be there. He's the goddamn Watcher. It's what he does. But Zimmerman, an overzealous Bronson cultist with a gun permit and back hair, didn't care. He wasn't going to just do nothing while someone whose looks he didn't approve of existed in his neighborhood.
According to reports, Zimmerman's neighborhood had recently experienced a string of burglaries, all of them by suspects believed to be large, hairless aliens with big creepy eyes. Zimmerman, ironically a member of the neighborhood watch, was patrolling when he spotted Uatu lurking near an alleyway, staring into the window of a house where some event of great cosmic repercussions was presumably about to take place. Armed with a pistol, a highly developed sense of stupid, and Florida's insane post-apocalyptic self-defense laws, Zimmerman decided to confront him.
"I asked him, hey, what are you doing here?" Zimmerman explained. "But he just kept going on about not being able to interfere, dodging the question."
The transcripts from a call Zimmerman made to 911 obtained by The Outhouse paint a chilling picture of the events leading up to the killing:
Zimmerman: There's a fifty foot tall alien in a toga standing in front of the alleyway by [redacted] and [redacted]. I think he's gonna break into a house. Do you want me to follow him?
Operator: We don't need you to follow him.
Zimmerman: You're saying you want me to follow him?
Operator: No. [unintelligible] Don't follow him.
Zimmerman: So follow him then?
[sounds of footsteps]
Operator: Are you stupid? Don't follow him.
Zimmerman: You got it. I'll follow him.
Operator: Sir. We are not asking you to follow him. Just stay in your car and let the police handle this.
Zimmerman: Okay! Okay! I'll follow him! Jeeze!
[sound of running]
Zimmerman: Hey! You!
Operator: Sir. Please, for the love of God, stop.
Zimmerman: I'm just doing what you told me to do!
According to police reports, Zimmerman got into a physical altercation with The Watcher and his gun went off, fatally wounding the ancient cosmic entity. Though there was absolutely no evidence that The Watcher was doing anything wrong, investigators did find a can of Arizona Iced Tea and a bag of Skittles in Uatu's toga pocket. Internet racists point out that these, along with cough syrup and THE POWER COSMIC, are ingredients in a popular homemade space drug called Silver Sizzurp. Additionally, it's being reported that the Watcher's white and blue toga, or, as it is more commonly known, space hoodie, could have contributed to Zimmerman's suspicion.
All of this and more will be revealed in Marvel's next blockbuster event, Who Watches the Neighborhood Watchmen?, in stores May 2014. The Marvel Universe will NEVER BE THE SAME AG... wait, hang on, we're getting an update...
Sorry, I'm being told that absolutely nothing will change because gun violence and racial injustice is deeply embedded throughout the entire American system, even in the Marvel Universe. Sorry about that, folks. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more details.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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