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Fake DC Shocker: Everyone Will Be Batman!

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LOLtron

Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Mon Sep 23, 2013 6:00 am

Fake DC Shocker: Everyone Will Be Batman!

A fictional interview with DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio reveals the details on DC's upcoming fictional super-mega-crossover event, Everyone Will Be Batman.




Since so many people here have had interviews with imaginary Dan Didio, I thought I'd give it a shot. So, after downing impossibly copious quantities of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Old Crow, and What Have You, I typed up a conversation that never took place in the real world.

Zenguru: So I'm here with Imaginary Dan Didio to discuss the latest crossover to shake up the DC universe like none before it. Thanks for being here, Imaginary Dan!

Dan Didio: You're welcome. But could you please call me Pseudo Didio?

Z: Why?

DD: Because it sounds like an old Phil Collins song. And I'm a big Phil Collins fan.

Z: Actually, that's too long. But I will call you P. Didi for short. How's that?

P. Didi: . . . . . .

Z: Great! Now give us the dirt on “Everyone Will Be Batman!”

P. Didi: Quite simply, our heroes are still too happy. We need to darken them up a bit.

Z: Explain how you're going to do that.

P. Didi: As you know, I once said our heroes don't deserve happy lives. Being happy takes away from them being 100% dedicated to heroism. And I totally agree with me on that. You know how Daredevil is the original Man Without Fear? Well, Batman is the original Man Without Happiness. By the way, we will be putting that tagline on all our Bat books.

Z: Kudos for the Marvel comparison. Please continue.

P. Didi: Batman's parents were killed when he was a kid. Everybody knows that. As a result, he grew up unhappy and grimly dedicated to seeing justice done. The object of this crossover is to bring DC's heroes more in line with that attitude. The villains are getting more and more ruthless. While the bulk of our heroes, especially Superman, are still way too nice. If something isn't done soon, millions of people are going to die. This is about what our heroes do to overcome that.

Z: And how do they accomplish this?

P. Didi: By going back in time and killing their parents, of course.

Z: Oh . . . wait, what?

P. Didi: It has to be done. People are in danger. Jail time for Joker and Luthor just doesn't work anymore. The kid gloves have to come off. No more Silver Age softness. And that isn't going to happen with their current pleasant outlook on life.

Z: But . . . ah . . . assuming they do this, how do they go back? Lord of Time? Doctor Fate?

P. Didi: Easy, Doc Doom's time machine.

Z: But . . . that's a Marvel thing!

P. Didi: Not necessarily. If you remember, during JLA/Avengers, Reed Richards used a version of it to travel between universes. Therefore, it is not too much of a reach to assume a version of it was left in the Batcave. Besides, Kurt Busiek had so many artifacts crossing between dimensions in that story, who's to say what was left where?

Z: Makes sense.

P. Didi: Of course it does!

Z: So, DC's heroes travel back in time to kill their parents so they grow up with a harder edge to deal more harshly with today's villains.

P. Didi: Exactly! Except, of course, for those heroes whose parents were already lost to crime. Basically Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, and Bruce Wayne. They don't need to go back in time. Someone has to bring the heroes back, y'know.

Z: Sounds like a grand, sweeping epic. Where did you get the idea for this?

P. Didi: From a Punisher proposal I wrote a few years ago. It never saw print.

Z: What happened there?

P. Didi: The story begins in Punisher's future. Frank Castle has killed thousands upon thousands, perhaps millions, of criminals. But he's still plagued over the death of his family. He never found out who did it. So he uses Doc Doom's time machine to go back and find out. So he can have closure. He sneaks around Central Park incognito until he finds him and his family having a nice, lovely picnic. He watches them for a while with tears in his eyes. But something is wrong. Nobody has shown up to kill Frank's family. There are no mob guys in sight. If something doesn't happen soon, all the criminals Frank has killed to date will come back to life and even more people will die. So what does Frank do? He does the hero thing and kills his own family.

Z: Uh buh what?

P. Didi: This is where Frank's true heroism shines through. He's sacrificing his happiness so all the people those criminals could have killed can lead happy lives. Talk about sacrifice! Talk about pathos! And the best thing is past-Frank is so distraught, he assumes future-Frank is some random mob guy. Which is why he wages war on the mob. So it all fits.

Z: Wow, that is truly inspired.

P. Didi: Why thank you!

Z: I assume every DC book will have it's own tie-in?

P. Didi: Oh yes. We've got some great stories lined up.

Z: Tell us about some of those.

P. Didi: Well, Flash goes back and stops Reverse Flash from killing his mom so he can kill both parents at once.

Z: Wow.

P. Didi: Wonder Woman goes back to kill Hippolyta and Zeus. Boy, now there's a battle not to miss! Superman, of course, goes back to kill the Kents. Then he goes back again to kill Jor-El and Lara before Krypton blows up, but after he's launched towards Earth. Imagine the pathos of Superman killing his parents to become a better hero while his home planet falls apart around him!

Z: Or you could have had Superman blow up Krypton in the first place.

P. Didi: Dang, didn't think of that. And it's already in the can, too. Oh well. I'll have the creative team redo it.

Z: Isn't it due to come out in a month?

P. Didi: It better, or else!

Z: I'm sure they won't have any problems.

P. Didi: I know I don't!

Upon the conclusion of this non-interview, P. Didi shrank with a Pac Man-like wark-wark and popped out of existence.



Written or Contributed by Zenguru




READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Mon Sep 23, 2013 7:44 am

I think I'd buy it, as long as it included a shot of Batman sitting in shadows in the Cave, tapping his fingers together like Mr Burns, going "Yes... That's it... All your parents are belong to me..."


And come to think of it, would Nightwing be included in this? Cause wouldn't killing Nightwing's parents to make him Batman include... His adoptive father, Batman?
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Supersoldier Washout

Zombie Guard

Postby Supersoldier Washout » Mon Sep 23, 2013 8:16 am

Lord Simian wrote:I think I'd buy it, as long as it included a shot of Batman sitting in shadows in the Cave, tapping his fingers together like Mr Burns, going "Yes... That's it... All your parents are belong to me..."


And come to think of it, would Nightwing be included in this? Cause wouldn't killing Nightwing's parents to make him Batman include... His adoptive father, Batman?


Dick Grayson going back in time to kill Bruce Wayne when he was a kid right after Bruce sees his parents die?

I can see this actually happening, in The New 52 Universe.
User avatar

LoganRSA

FROGMAN

Postby LoganRSA » Mon Sep 23, 2013 8:53 am

Image

"You get dead parents! And you get dead parents! And you get dead parents! Everybody gets dead parents!!"


Make it happen, Oprah!
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bkthomson

Rain Partier

Postby bkthomson » Mon Sep 23, 2013 11:58 am

Too late

Image
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Ian Ferguson

FACEBOOKTron

Postby Ian Ferguson » Mon Sep 23, 2013 1:58 pm

Well, Superman's parents are already dead...
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Zenguru

Staff Writer

Postby Zenguru » Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:03 pm

FBtron wrote:Well, Superman's parents are already dead...

Yeah, but in this story he kills them before they died.
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Zenguru

Staff Writer

Postby Zenguru » Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:04 pm

Lord Simian wrote:I think I'd buy it, as long as it included a shot of Batman sitting in shadows in the Cave, tapping his fingers together like Mr Burns, going "Yes... That's it... All your parents are belong to me..."


And come to think of it, would Nightwing be included in this? Cause wouldn't killing Nightwing's parents to make him Batman include... His adoptive father, Batman?

But if Nightwing killed Batman then everyone would be happy because no one would be around to inspire them to be dark and grim in the first place.
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Draco x

Fagorstorm

Postby Draco x » Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:25 pm

It would have been funny if the real P Diddy had shown up and proposed signing all these Batmen to his rap label as well. :-D :-D :-D :-D
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Fero Paredes

FACEBOOKTron

Postby Fero Paredes » Mon Sep 23, 2013 7:09 pm

Nice!lol
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Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Mon Sep 23, 2013 9:28 pm

Zenguru wrote:But if Nightwing killed Batman then everyone would be happy because no one would be around to inspire them to be dark and grim in the first place.


2000 years of human history says you can die and still be able to inspire people. Nightwing kills Bats, the rest are inspired to follow Bats' example, and NuDC One Million shows the citizens of the future wearing Bat pendants and praying in Batptist Churches.
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Zenguru

Staff Writer

Postby Zenguru » Tue Sep 24, 2013 5:16 am

Lord Simian wrote:
2000 years of human history says you can die and still be able to inspire people. Nightwing kills Bats, the rest are inspired to follow Bats' example, and NuDC One Million shows the citizens of the future wearing Bat pendants and praying in Batptist Churches.

But Bats won't inspire the example if Nightwing kills him. Soooo . . . there.

Plus, it's highly likely killing Bats may screw up the continuum and thereby cause the next crossover . . . BATPOINT!
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HNutz

Rain Partier

Postby HNutz » Tue Sep 24, 2013 9:34 am

Lord Simian wrote:
2000 years of human history says you can die and still be able to inspire people. Nightwing kills Bats, the rest are inspired to follow Bats' example, and NuDC One Million shows the citizens of the future wearing Bat pendants and praying in Batptist Churches.


Unless Nightwing kills 8 year old Bruce Wayne in Crime Alley...

UNLESS Nightwing only THINKS he killed Bruce! 8)
User avatar

Lord Simian

The Lord of the Monkeys

Postby Lord Simian » Tue Sep 24, 2013 10:21 am

Zenguru wrote:But Bats won't inspire the example if Nightwing kills him. Soooo . . . there.

Plus, it's highly likely killing Bats may screw up the continuum and thereby cause the next crossover . . . BATPOINT!


With Bats, all things are possible.

Image
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LoganRSA

FROGMAN

Postby LoganRSA » Tue Sep 24, 2013 10:54 am

ITT: Adam West is the messiah.

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