*Membership spots not really limited!
Remender will continue to lose weight until he dies, unless the blood debt is paid.
Tensions in the comic book community rose today when Taduz Lemke, a local gypsy man, put an ancient black magic curse on Marvel writer Rick Remender in response to Remender's latest issue of Uncanny Avengers. In the issue, Remender has the Scarlet Witch call the Romani ethnic group "a religion," playing up stereotypes about the historically persecuted ethnic minority and their perceived mysticism.
"The Romani people are not a religious group, and we don't have magical powers," said the elderly Lemke as he traced a glowing rune in the air with his finger and whispered a single word: "thinner."
Following Lemke's statements, sources close to Remender are reporting that the writer has been steadily losing weight.
"He definitely looks, maybe, half to three quarters of a pound skinnier," said fellow Marvel Comics writer Jason Aaron as he carved the initials 'JA + W' into his Trapper Keeper binder.
While most are worried about the curse, at least one member of the Marvel Bullpen actually appears to be jealous. Editor Tom Brevoort, who was once called fat by Rob Liefeld on Twitter and had his feelings hurt deeply, has been saying offensive things about gypsies to anyone who will listen for the past several hours, in hopes that someone will decide to curse him. Some industry analysts are concerned that the incident may lead to an increase of bigoted behavior against the group, as comic book readers are demographically a superstitious and obese lot, and therefore likely to become interested in a quick and easy weight loss scheme.
Following the ignorant and offensive remarks by the Scarlet Witch in the comic, the comic devolves into a thinly veiled five page lecture about how mutantosity isn't a minority trait and readers who disagree with Remender's message should shut up about it, echoing earlier statements by the writer that his critics should "drown in hobo piss." The issue also contained a scene in which Thor defends Wolverine's child-murdering habits.
"That was the best part," added Aaron, who had carved a heart around the initials and was now outlining the shape with several miniature flying hearts in purple glitter. "This book has it all!"
Uncanny Avengers #9 is in stores now, so you can head down to the shop and pick up a copy to experience this for yourself. Things are already starting to heat up on Tumblr, so you'll want to get in on the ground floor of some righteous internet outrage.
For final comment, we asked popular novelist and sometime comic book writer Stephen King for his thoughts.
"The concept of this article, which is eerily similar to the premise of my 1984 novel, Thinner, and it's 1996 major motion picture adaptation, available for purchase respectively here and here, could be viewed as kind of insensitive" a fourth wall breaking King told us. "I mean, I get that we're condemning this kind of behavior through satire, but does that make it okay to play off of the same stereotypes about Romani people that led Remender to write something so offensive in the first place?"
"I suppose, if you consider it a sort of meta-criticism of Rick Remender's lack of research before spewing simple-minded platitudes about civil rights and equality that are often unintentionally offensive to the very minority groups he is attempting to condescendingly pander to in an already laughably juvenile medium like mainstream superhero comics, then it would be justified," he added. "I guess."
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!