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Captain America, Fantastic Four, FF, Invincible Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, New Mutants, The Mighty Thor, X-Men Legacy, and Uncanny X-Men will all see their final issue published in October, part of Marvel's new initiative to stop publishing comics. Marvel executives that don't actually exist tell us that the failure to find new readers, along with the inability to ever please the current crop of fanboys, have lead to a daring new initiative where the publisher just throws up its hands and says "Ah, fuck it."
"It's just not worth it anymore," is something Marvel CCO Joe Quesada would say if we hadn't made up every quote in this article. "Too much trouble, too little reward."
"We do our best, but since no one gives a shit anymore, it's just kind of like...whatever," said Executive Editor Tom Brevoort. "It gets to a point where you just figure, meh," he continued, with his feet up on the desk while staring out the window.
The new nihilistic attitude at Marvel is rumored to be the result of years worth of negativity from the internet comics community, which complains about or mocks everything the major companies produce. This very website is quite rude to Marvel on a daily basis, something which we sort of feel bad about now that we know they take it so seriously.
"It really hurts my feelings, you know?" said The Great One Brian Bendis, sobbing. "People think that just because we're creators, it's okay to say things like 'He ruined the Avengers' or 'All the Avengers ever do is fight ninjas.' That's not true, and they know it. They think they're being funny, but we're people. People with feelings. The hell?!"
"I work really hard on my artwork," said Greg Land, a beleaguered artist. "I'm not a hack, and I don't trace my stuff. I use references, damn it! It's a thing!"
"After looking at the way things were going, we eventually decided that there was no reason to even bother anymore," explained editor-in-chief Axel Alonso, before just flipping off the light in his office and closing the door behind him.
"I guess I eventually just got tired of people asking me 'no seriously, what do you do for a living?' after I tell them that I write comics," writer Rick Remender told us. "Maybe it's time I do something respectable and serious with my life, like Hollywood screenplays or something."
"The writers think they have it bad," said Alex Maleev, "but it's nothing compared to the way people on the internet treat artists. Most of the time, people don't even notice us. Look at this article for instance. It's all writers and editors. They can't even bother to make up a quote from artists. It's just me and Greg Land, and really, he's barely an artist."
"I heard that," said Greg Land, before bursting into tears and running out of the room.
Just because Marvel won't be publishing anymore comics doesn't mean they won't continue to make money. The staff will be filing a class action lawsuit against the entire internet for "cyber-bullying," on the grounds that they are unable to work in their profession because everyone on the internet is "just so mean."
"We really feel like this is the best thing for us and our business right now," explained Quesada about the lawsuit. "We really want to show those jerks who were mean to us, and make sure they don't hurt other innocent comic book companies like they did to us."
Some within Marvel feel their own bad decisions led to the company's stoppage of publication. "I feel like I have to blame myself a little bit," mumbled Director of Publicity Arune Singh, while rubbing his temples. "I gave all this access to just any asshole website out there, and they totally fucked us over. If I could do it again...yeah, I really wouldn't give those jerks the time of day. I guess you live and learn, though."
"Honestly, it makes sense to me," said the glorious leader of the Distinguished Competition, Dan Didio, who was stress-eating. "After all we've been through, I can't say we haven't thought of doing the same thing. We've taken so much abuse. So much. Marvel giving the fuck up is kind of making us look into ways we could effectively enact a similar plan. Call it the No52 maybe. I dunno, I'm not in a good place right now. Somebody bring me some more Watchmen toast."
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror