In a last ditch effort to save beloved teen characters from cheap and meaningless deaths, North Korea attempted to target and destroy Diamond Comics' warehouse with a failed rocket launch.
North Korea tried and failed Wednesday morning to prevent the sale of one of the most controversial comic books of the decade, Avengers Arena, by launching a large rocket at a Diamond Comics Distributors warehouse that was believed to contain most if not all of the printed issues of the book. The rocket failed to reach its target, instead accidentally launching a satellite into orbit and crashing into the ocean.
Marvel Comics' Avengers Arena, written by newcomer and possible male imposter Dennis Hopeless, places a bevy of Marvel's teenaged characters into villain Arcade's homicidal theme park, Murderworld, where the heroes are killed off one by one for shock value and increased sales. Weeks before the launch of the comic, emotional bloggers took to Tumblr to post angry, depressed, and even suicidal reactions to a comic they hadn't read yet. One of those bloggers was the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.
"If I ever see Dennis Hopeless at Pyongyang Comic Con, a glorious event which embodies the power of the North Korean people with a splendor that eclipses even San Diego Comic Con International, I will have a serious discussion with him about how this kind of irresponsible treatment of characters negatively affects impressionable readers" read one of Jong Un's Tumblr posts. "Then I will imprison him and sentence him to twenty years hard labor in one of our work camps."
Kim Jong Un is a rabid and vocal fan of the teen character Juston Seyfert, who last appeared in Avengers Academy, and is one of the characters who will appear in Avengers Arena, ensuring his untimely demise. "Juston reminds me a lot of myself," explained Jong Un in one of the many posts on his Tumblr page about the character. "He's a loner like me, and also his best friend is a giant robot."
Most of the international community was surprised by the launch, which disregarded the protests of the United Nations and most sane countries individually. "This was an extremely provocative act," said a spokesman for the Obama administration. "If you don't like a comic, you should vote with your wallet, not with ballistic missiles." The United States will work with with China, Russia, and the members of the U.N. Security Council that don't matter to issue a statement strongly condemning North Korea's actions and telling them "this is their last chance. For real this time. We mean it. Seriously. No, really."
Despite their surprise, North Korea had been warning of the impending attack for weeks in increasingly more volatile posts on Kim Jong Un's Tumblr, as well as the country's official Twitter account. The threats specified that a comic as pointless and shallow as Avengers Arena, which exists solely to stir up controversy and enrage fans on the internet, would not be tolerated and would never be allowed to reach stores.
"The people of North Korea stand behind characters like #Juston, #Hazmat, #Mettle, and #X-23, and they will not allow them to be mistreated," read one Tweet, which was followed by another. "Oh, and Chase from #Runaways too."
On the morning of the launch, Kim Jong Un, seemingly overwhelmed with passion, or, as it is called on Tumblr, "feels," posted one final message:
OMG NOOO WTF DENNIS HOPELESS WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THESE GREAT CHARACTERS ALONE SO ANOTHER WRITER WHO CARES ABOUT THEM CAN USE THEM! MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME IF ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE KILLED AND FOR WHAT!!? MARVEL U SHOULD B ASHAMED! DIE, IMPERIALIST SCUM, DIE!!!11
Jong Un then posted a jpeg of a cat putting its paws over its face, indicating that it was expressing the human emotion of sadness. It was reblogged 347 times.
The government of South Korea, which unknowingly moved into the vacant lot next to North Korea before learning that the country was batshit crazy, and which has been able to sell and move out since the real estate market crashed in 2008, condemned the failed launch in a statement, which said, "North Korea, you should really read a comic before passing judgment and launching a rocket at it. If these deaths have meaning and tell a good story, it will be worth it, and you always have the stories you love in Avengers Arena, Runaways, and Sentinel to go back and re-read."
Unfortunately for fans of Marvel's teen characters, and despite the best efforts of Kim Jong Un and a group of captive, starving nuclear rocket scientists who are likely receiving bare bottom spankings from the dictator for their failure, you can pick up a copy of Avengers Arena #1 by Dennis Hopeless and Kev Walker in your local comic book shop or on your favorite digital app today.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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