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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (SPOILERS)

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (SPOILERS)

Postby LOLtron » Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:24 am

The newest movie of TMNT fights well in the Bay film-making style? But now it faces the Zechs!




So why did I record a video than write about this? Okay, even though I ramble about it in the video below, on the Outhouse Pirate Podcast (or after a taping of one) I made a bet with fellow OH! Staff Writer/Podcast member, sdsichero that this movie wouldn't actually come out during the summer and would be delayed further. If only this was the UK, I'd have won that bet as the movie is being released in October. But alas, I lost and had to go see this movie on opening night and then tape my reaction to what I had just watched: good or bad 

So here it is.

Being a man of my word, I went in with this with zero presence of mind [editor's note - that's how Zechs does everything] of all the news that came before it (just trying to think of this as just another movie). Also, excuse the car noises, semi-darkness (but I guess that gives me a Dr. Claw effect doesn't it?), and just take in a semi-rational being [editor's note: where?!] who has just watched the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

I just wanted to add a few more clear thoughts now that I'm several hours removed from seeing the movie. It's still bad. Worse when I begin to comprehend more plot holes. Namely, now it's bugging me that the Foot took out the Turtles at their home, yet struggled hard against them during the first two fights of the movie. Speaking of the first two fights: #1 how did the Turtles quickly take out the C4 the Foot strapped to the subway walls? There was like a TON of explosives strapped there. They couldn't have been that quick. #2 how didn't Shredder didn't put two and two together sooner about the Turtles, given basically this was one of his own projects?

The biggest problem I'm now realizing is: HOW IN THE HECK does Splinter even know about Shredder and the Foot? With the removal of the Hamato Yoshi subplot, it removes the layers of knowledge he has. All Splinter should know is Sachs being evil and a lackey to someone bigger. That's it. In all iterations of TMNT, there has always been a blood feud between the Turtles/Splinter and the Foot Clan/Shredder. Always. Here, there really isn't any extra drama, save Shredder just beating the crap out Splinter, who's superfluous because... he doesn't have magic healing blood? Even though he too was given the same round of experiments.

Heck, why did Shredder and Sachs need three of the Turtles? It seems just draining even one would have provided the same amount of magic cure that was needed. Also, does this mean the Turtles in this movie have a healing factor? I mean, that's obviously the implication, but it needed much more elaboration.

Wait, speaking of the whole incident that freed the Turtles... So April's dad goes postal after finding out everyone around him is EVIL. Yet, Splinter says he died in the fire, and yet again, during the climax, Sachs says he put a bullet in April's pop. WHOSE TELLING THE TRUTH?!

Okay, okay, back to saying something somewhat good about the film. The product placement of the pizza isn't bad. Heck, I chuckled at Splinter's method of cracking his sons into talking. On the other hand, during the credits with Victoria Secret, Mikey and Raph hiding as the bra made me cringe and wonder: “Why is this sort of product placement needed? Who really thought that was a good idea?” UGH...

UGH... I need more rum mixed drinks.

Anyway, just spend your money on IDW's TMNT (which has a half-off sale right now), go watch the orignal movie, the second live action if you want a good laugh, the CGI film for just a good time, or Turtles Forever (which is STILL sorely lacking a release of the true UNCUT version. COME ON NICK!! Release the darn full version!!) which is probably no greater love letter an entire series could have. This one, on the other hand, is best served watching with a fast forward button to just skip to the awesome fight scenes, and a very few choice quiet scenes.



Written or Contributed by Zechs


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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Zechs » Fri Aug 08, 2014 10:56 am

:smt011
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sdsichero wrote:
I especially like and admire Zechs. He's everything I wish I could be!

Dragavon wrote:Zechs... is...

Zechs...is...

I can't say it. It's too horrible. Zechs...is...not...wrong...

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Beige Lantern » Fri Aug 08, 2014 11:23 am

Had to stop after the fifth car door thing. Was there not just a button to keep the overhead light on?
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world - "No, you move." - Captain America

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Rob Thompson » Fri Aug 08, 2014 11:27 am

Good news is Guardians of the Galaxy is still in theaters!
"Observe. Orient. Decide. Act."

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby The Old Doctor » Fri Aug 08, 2014 11:43 am

How many rums had you had prior to making this video?

Also, just use a flashlight under your chin for the effect of being all villainy.

Needed more Megan Fox.
"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols."
"Oh, the pointing again! They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?"
"Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?"
""Timey" what? "Timey wimey"?"

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IvCNuB4 wrote:The Old Doctor is Cat-Scratch ?
Well that explains a lot :lol:

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby The Old Doctor » Fri Aug 08, 2014 11:46 am

It's SiD-SICk-Hero by the way. Don't let him tell you otherwise. :P

And you gave the movie 40 door slams. :P
"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols."
"Oh, the pointing again! They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?"
"Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?"
""Timey" what? "Timey wimey"?"

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IvCNuB4 wrote:The Old Doctor is Cat-Scratch ?
Well that explains a lot :lol:

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Zechs » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:08 pm

Beige Lantern wrote:Had to stop after the fifth car door thing. Was there not just a button to keep the overhead light on?



If I was going to be miserable after seeing the movie. You will be too.
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sdsichero wrote:
I especially like and admire Zechs. He's everything I wish I could be!

Dragavon wrote:Zechs... is...

Zechs...is...

I can't say it. It's too horrible. Zechs...is...not...wrong...

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby The Old Doctor » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:23 pm

Zechs wrote:

If I was going to be miserable after seeing the movie. You will be too.


The lack of skanky Megan Fox imagery did just that. :-(
"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols."
"Oh, the pointing again! They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?"
"Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?"
""Timey" what? "Timey wimey"?"

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IvCNuB4 wrote:The Old Doctor is Cat-Scratch ?
Well that explains a lot :lol:

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Zechs » Fri Aug 08, 2014 1:52 pm

The Old Doctor wrote:
The lack of skanky Megan Fox imagery did just that. :-(


She's a mutant and more machine than man.
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sdsichero wrote:
I especially like and admire Zechs. He's everything I wish I could be!

Dragavon wrote:Zechs... is...

Zechs...is...

I can't say it. It's too horrible. Zechs...is...not...wrong...

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby sdsichero » Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:33 pm

Beige Lantern wrote:Had to stop after the fifth car door thing. Was there not just a button to keep the overhead light on?

It's Cobra/Foot technology

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby sdsichero » Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:36 pm

LOLtron wrote:So why did I record a video than write about this? Okay, even though I ramble about it in the video below, on the Outhouse Pirate Podcast (or after a taping of one) I made a bet with fellow OH! Staff Writer/Podcast member, sdsichero that this movie wouldn't actually come out during the summer and would be delayed further. If only this was the UK, I'd have won that bet as the movie is being released in October. But alas, I lost and had to go see this movie on opening night and then tape my reaction to what I had just watched: good or bad  So here it is. Being a man of my word


Because Zechs is a man of…

HONOR!

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby ladypeyton » Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:36 pm

The door thing made me nuts. I had to turn it off. There's a switch on the over head light that will keep it on for you.

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby sdsichero » Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:41 pm

ladypeyton wrote:The door thing made me nuts. I had to turn it off. There's a switch on the over head light that will keep it on for you.

It made me chuckle.

Though as a rant, I give it a 3.5. His Man of Steel one is a 6/5.

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby Zechs » Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:04 pm

sdsichero wrote:It made me chuckle.

Though as a rant, I give it a 3.5. His Man of Steel one is a 6/5.


Because I didn't have you or either Phoenix on a podcast.
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sdsichero wrote:
I especially like and admire Zechs. He's everything I wish I could be!

Dragavon wrote:Zechs... is...

Zechs...is...

I can't say it. It's too horrible. Zechs...is...not...wrong...

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Re: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (

Postby NoctourneM » Fri Aug 08, 2014 4:09 pm

I salute you sir, you watched it so I didn't have to.

<Sigh> Of course I will still have to see it anyway, But I promise you I will be wasted.

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