A controversial new report suggests that Wolverine's appearance in every book might not be due to shoddy editing and an overreliance of cheap gimmicks.
Many commentators have noticed that Wolverine has recently gone from dangerous ronin warrior to the leader of the Avengers, the X-Men, and the Justice League, and is friends with every Marvel character with a movie. He also is now a role model to children everywhere and has apparently slept with any character fantasized about by any major Marvel writer from the last decade. While many would be quick to dismiss this as transforming the character to an unlikeable Mary Sue type character, the Huffington Post suggests a more scientific idea: global warming.
The Huffington Post reported that a research group had begun to study the effect of global warming on the popular Marvel character. It discovered that Wolverine's eating habits had been affected by climate change due to a lack of spring snow. According to the report, Wolverine used the spring snow to refrigerate caches of nuts, berries, raw meat and beer that makes up the significant portion of the diet.
"Understanding why and how Wolverine exists where he does and the various adaptations he has evolved to eke out a living will better inform population management strategies and conservation of the comic industry," said researcher Robert Inman in a mostly accurate statement.
Without the ability to preserve his preserved food, Wolverine would have to rely on other means of eating, such as being fed warm, home cooked meals provided to superhero teams by their butlers or from food found in the refrigerators often found in superhero bases.
The character would also probably have to become significantly more social in order to mooch food off of other superheroes, thus explaining his unlikely friendships with Spider-Man, the Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Doctor Strange, Doop, Captain Britain, President Barack Obama, Bobby Flay, Anthony Bourdain, the Emperor of Japan and Deadpool. He's also severed ties with Cyclops, a known rationer of food who tries to preserve food in case his dead wife ever comes back and is hungry.
It's been noted that as springs grow warmer and warmer, Wolverine has signed up for more and more teams and now has a variety of semi-permanent feeding caches throughout the state of New York. As temperatures rose throughout the last decade, Wolverine has joined the Avengers, the New Avengers, the Uncanny Avengers, X-Force, Uncanny X-Force, Uncanny X-Men, X-Men, Astonishing X-Men and Alpha Flight in addition to his ownership of the Jean Grey School for Feeding Hungry Mutants. It's also rumored that he recently applied for membership at the Avengers Academy, the Fantastic Four and the Dark Avengers in hopes of obtaining more meals.
Several comic historians agree with the report's findings. "I'm almost relieved," said Blue Hoffman. "All this time I thought that Wolverine had just become an overexposed character with inconsistent motivations and actions forced down our throats to help sell comic books. It's good to know that there's a rational reason behind all his team memberships and odd friendships with everyone and their mother. Now, instead of whining on the Internet, I'll be picking up every book he appears in to help the cause."
However, not everyone agreed with the research group's analysis. "No, damnit," said Jason Murray, a zoologist and research at a major state university. "The group researched wolverines, the bearlike member of the weasel family, and why they didn't thrive in warmer climates. Wolverines could potentially be wiped out by global warming and you want to mock their plight by claiming that global warming is why some comic book character you don't like has been acting stupid? What sort of sick bastard are you?"
Marvel would not officially comment on the report but sources indicated that editors saw the report as an opportunity to put Wolverine into all of its books permanently. One source even went as far as to suggest that Marvel planned to deliberately poison the environment in order to force the character to appear in more books. In an email obtained by the Outhouse, one unnamed executive, "JQ", said to "order all employees to leave windows open when running air conditioning, drive only diesel trucks and to not recycle under any circumstances." The email also asked employees to find out how they could screw around with Spider-Man more.
The new report warns that, if not corrected, Wolverine would soon have to appear in every comic book, even ones not published by Marvel. "If global warming continues unchecked," the report said. "We could soon live in an age where books such as Wolverine and the Walking Dead, Wolverine, Red Hood and the Outlaws, or Before Wolverine and the Watchmen exist." It's theorized that this could either devestate the comic book industry or push it into an unrivaled era of prosperity.
Written or Contributed by: ThanosCopterREAD THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!