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by **LOLtron** » Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:00 am

Whatcha Gonna Do, Brother, When Alimony Payments Run Wild Over You?!

Hulk Hogan will be opening a retail store in Florida to sell Hulkster merchandise and other crap no one has wanted since 1992 in an effort to avoid bankruptcy after his divorce. As well as selling brand new merchandise, the store will serve as a museum for memorabilia from the geriatric wrestler's personal collection. Hulk and other past-their-prime wrestlers such as Virgil, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, the Nasty Boys, and other members of the NWO B-Team will make personal appearances at the shop as well.

The biggest seller at the store is expected to be friendship bracelets and other jewelry woven out of the seemingly unlimited supply of Hulk's own hair that grows in a thin ring around the bottom of his scalp. Hogan will remove the ball roots to avoid any unauthorized cloning, and the jewelry will appeal to liberals and other suckers, as human hair is environmentally friendly.

"I really need the money, brother," said Hulk in a statement we want to firmly point out is entirely made up by us, due to the very real possiblity he is desperate enough to sue us. "Linda took all of it dude. I thought she was a respectable chick, like Miss Elizabeth, but she turned out to be a no-good strumpet like Scary Sherri, brother."

Hogan has suffered on the financial front for several years now, beginning with a misguided attempt to fund his mannish daughter's unsuccesful singing career, followed up by his dickhead son's murderous vehicular rampage, and ending with his gold-digging wife leaving him to sleep with 19 year olds while living off the money made from decades of the abuse Hulk put his steroid-addled body through. Hogan was reportedly offered a way out of his troublesome situation by former rival Ted "Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, but was unwilling to become the unscrupulous wrestler turned born again Christian's personal manservant in return.

"He'll come around," said DiBiase, smirking. "Everybody has a price."

Dibiase's theme music then began playing as he backed away, which was odd, because the conversation was occuring entirely in this reporter's imagination.

Source: HuffPo
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror

http://www.theouthousers.com/index.php/news/entertainment-news/20554-hulk-hogan-opens-store-in-florida-to-pay-off-ex-wife.html/

by **fieldy snuts** » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:18 am

I hope his shop takes off so he has no reason to stick around at TNA anymore.

by **misac** » Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:34 pm

He should just get a regular job to really screw her over.

by **Zenguru** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:25 am

misac wrote::lol:

He should just get a regular job to really screw her over.

He should just screw his ex-wife's sister.

by **Grayson** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:34 am

This seems like the type of place where I can find copies of No Holds Barred, Suburban Commando, and Mr. Nanny on VHS.

by **Psivage** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:45 am

I never did like Hogan, always thought he was fake. Piss poor wrestler.

by **Lord Simian** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:53 am

Sakie wrote:This seems like the type of place where I can find copies of No Holds Barred, Suburban Commando, and Mr. Nanny on VHS.

Let's be honest: he's both an egomaniac and a huge shill. I bet his store will be the only place in the world to get those three movies on blu-ray. Also on HDDVD, because Hogan still thinks HDDVD could Hulk Up and break out of that sleep hold, throw the punches, hut the big boot, and Boom! Drop the leg on Blu-Ray once and for all, winning back the coveted WWF Format Heavyweight Championship, BROTHER!

by **Grayson** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:24 am

Lord Simian wrote:Let's be honest: he's both an egomaniac and a huge shill. I bet his store will be the only place in the world to get those three movies on blu-ray. Also on HDDVD, because Hogan still thinks HDDVD could Hulk Up and break out of that sleep hold, throw the punches, hut the big boot, and Boom! Drop the leg on Blu-Ray once and for all, winning back the coveted WWF Format Heavyweight Championship, BROTHER!

Now I really want to see the commercial for this store, I imagine it would go something like this:

"Listen up all you Hulkamaniacs out there! Come on down to Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania, where we have anything and everything that any self-respecting Hulkamaniac could want brother! We've got original nWo t-shirts, air brushed weight belts for both business and casual events, and feathered boas in orange, red, yellow, black, or white!

Now let me tell you something, brother! Come on down to Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania this weekend for a chance to enter a raffle to take former WWE/WCW superstar Virgil out to dinner.* All sales are final, no refunds, because whatcha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania runs wild on you?!"

*Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania is not responsible if Virgil follows you home and begins living in your garage.

by **Doc Jon** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:35 am

Dude, to possibly be bankrupt after all those years of getting your body fucked up like that and being the biggest act in the business has got to suck...

by **Lord Simian** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:44 pm

Sakie wrote:
Now I really want to see the commercial for this store, I imagine it would go something like this:

"Listen up all you Hulkamaniacs out there! Come on down to Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania, where we have anything and everything that any self-respecting Hulkamaniac could want brother! We've got original nWo t-shirts, air brushed weight belts for both business and casual events, and feathered boas in orange, red, yellow, black, or white!

Now let me tell you something, brother! Come on down to Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania this weekend for a chance to enter a raffle to take former WWE/WCW superstar Virgil out to dinner.* All sales are final, no refunds, because whatcha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania runs wild on you?!"

*Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania is not responsible if Virgil follows you home and begins living in your garage.

I can't wait to see if this store is a bigger success than Hulk Hogan's Pastamania was....

by **Lord Simian** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:52 pm

Doc Jon wrote:Dude, to possibly be bankrupt after all those years of getting your body fucked up like that and being the biggest act in the business has got to suck...

You know, I do feel a bit bad for him. Now I kinda want a banner for a Sig that shows Hogan's Pastamania in black and white, with white letters on a black background next to it saying "Never Forget"....

:twisted:

by **Log-Man** » Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:35 pm

Lord Simian wrote:

I can't wait to see if this store is a bigger success than Hulk Hogan's Pastamania was....

Oh. Dear. Lord. How have I never heard of this??

by **Doc** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 8:59 am

What a useless no talent hack! Unprofessional, disrespectful and just flat out bad. Like no skill whatsoever just a retard that one day decided "I've had enough of sniffing papas shit stains in his week old briefs I'm gonna be a pro!" oh yeah, I'm talkin about the author of this article just so ya know. The Internet; venue to the some of the dumbest people on earth

by **Keb** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 9:20 am

heh Jude you thought I was being dick before? Meet your adoring anonymous fanbase!

by **Log-Man** » Fri Jul 20, 2012 9:38 am

Doc wrote:What a useless no talent hack! Unprofessional, disrespectful and just flat out bad. Like no skill whatsoever just a retard that one day decided "I've had enough of sniffing papas shit stains in his week old briefs I'm gonna be a pro!" oh yeah, I'm talkin about the author of this article just so ya know. The Internet; venue to the some of the dumbest people on earth

Adorable!