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Ask the Asshole: The Magic Eight Ball Answers!!!

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LOLtron

Rain Partier

Postby LOLtron » Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:59 pm

Being that the only questions written in this week to the column were written by monosyllabic morons whose I.Q.s can apparently only be measured by the amount of drool they got on their S.A.T.s, I decided to put as much thought into answering them as they obviously spent asking them. I’m letting the Magic [...]
ImageEight Ball do all the work. Just invest in those dribble cups and diapers now, people.

Dear Asshole,
I did not go to prom. Should I start dating a high-schooler so I can go to their prom?Sincerely,
Prom-less OneAll signs point to yes. Huh, not the direction I’d have gone. I still don’t see you getting laid.

All signs point to yes. Huh, not the direction I’d have gone. I still don’t see you getting laid.Dear Asshole,
I really want to be Batman. How should I go about doing this?Sincerely,
Huge N. ErdBetter if I don’t tell you now. Funny how appropriate that seems.

Better if I don’t tell you now. Funny how appropriate that seems.Dear Asshole,
I am a chronic masturbator. Recently, my penis filed for trial separation. Should I find a new hobby?Sincerely,
Michael HawkMy Reply is no. Wow. That’s funny. You’re a douche.

My Reply is no. Wow. That’s funny. You’re a douche.Dear Asshole,
My owner’s a lame, unfunny douche. What’s the best way to kill him without the police finding out (they are dumb Canadians though)?MugginsOutlook good. Well, they can’t all be winners. It seems that there’s just no wrong way to go about it.

Outlook good. Well, they can’t all be winners. It seems that there’s just no wrong way to go about it.Dear Asshole,
I have a strange Joker fetish. Sometimes I dress up in all white make-up and rub myself with a pound of fresh butter. I also have violent snuff fantasies about Heath Ledger. Do I need help?Yours Truly,
Hunter HoudiniMy reply is no. Yeah, I think you got off lucky with the eight ball.

My reply is no. Yeah, I think you got off lucky with the eight ball.Dear Asshole,
Every time I make a joke, nobody laughs. Why? Does my breath smell?EvilKeb
P.S. Do you look good in a speedo?It is decidedly so. Quoted for truthiness. All three questions.

It is decidedly so. Quoted for truthiness. All three questions.Dear Asshole,
I am afraid to reveal my true identity over the internet for fear that people will realize that I am the person who sneaks into their house and tries on their underwear. It’s been pretty successful so far, but lately people have been claiming to have had sexual relations with my girlfriend. It’s making me cry at night. Should I come out of the shadows and reveal my fetish of putting on other people’s undergarments or bear the slandering of a girlfriend whom I will never have?Please help!
Manin StreetWithout a doubt. Stand revealed, so speaks the magic 8 ball. I’d have suggested something closer to joining a cult, but, hey, that’s just me.

Without a doubt. Stand revealed, so speaks the magic 8 ball. I’d have suggested something closer to joining a cult, but, hey, that’s just me.Dear Asshole,
Did you really do that thing to your assistant?John LewisBetter not tell you now. Even the 8 Ball knows how to plead the fifth. It’s got my back.

Better not tell you now. Even the 8 Ball knows how to plead the fifth. It’s got my back.To discuss.

Posted originally: 2007-04-17 17:59:11

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