Doc Jon tells us why Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Rises sucks.
50. They use a picture of Maggie Gyllenhall for Rachel Dawes. I had enough of that mug in the second movie.
49. Batman builds the Bat-Cave and NEVER uses it. He retires after the events of the Dark Knight and it was yet to be completed.
48. Who provided food and such at the prison? I get that it’s hell on Earth, but with no guards and no staff, one has to wonder how anyone survived for more than a week. Or was it some communist cooperative in disguise?
47. The VOICE. ‘nuff said.
46. Bane (already difficult to understand) broadcast over a speaker at a stadium.
45. Gotham sports suck. That stadium was half-full at best for a pro NFL game. Time to move to greener pastures, like Canada.
44. No ending to the Scarecrow’s story. If you’re going to put him in all 3 films, he should at least have a fitting ending. Wedge was treated better.
43. When you claim your film is about “realism”, don’t put a gigantic plot device on the face of your main villain. Bane’s mask prevents him from feeling excruciating pain? Ugh. But a super-steroid would have been unrealistic?
42. Bruce Wayne yet again allows his company to fall into ruin. At some point, you’re no longer playing the role of clueless billionaire playboy...
41. The GCPD’s idea of searching sewage tunnels. I guess if you clog them up with every man you have, you might find something. You know where Gordon went down, and you know where he washed up. It’s called a search pattern, geniuses.
40. The kid with the falsetto voice doing the Star Spangled Banner.
39. The Bat-Cave isn’t built for the Tumbler. There’s no way they could have known he wouldn’t be using some land vehicle once he destroyed the first one, so why wouldn’t they create some kind of ramp to get in and out of the cave? For that matter, how does he get the motorcycle in and out without serious damage to the frame?
38. Marion Cotillard’s death scene.
37. Lucius Fox’s idea of keeping the world safe from all the weapons developed by Waynetech is to keep them all in one place in pristine working condition.
36. JGL throwing away his badge without so much as a “Vaya con dios” to punctuate the moment.
35. Anne Hathaway doesn’t go topless. You called the movie the Dark Knight Rises, it’s your fault...
34. Christopher Nolan’s take on American society with one percenters versus the ninety-nine percenters and everyone being a douche. How dare you create a movie that is your commentary on American society, you British prick, HOW DARE YOU?!
33. Bruce willing the remainder of his estate to Alfred. Considering he was broke, the legal red tape regarding illegal trades made in his name, and the shambles of the company after its foray into clean energy almost led to the destruction of Gotham, we can safely assume that all Alfred inherited was debt. Douche move, Bruce.
32. No one notices that Bruce Wayne no longer has a limp and doesn’t need the use of a cane. How did these people NOT figure out he was Batman?
31. Bruce fixes his limp with an advanced prosthetic. Good thing Bane lets him keep it when he throws him into that prison. Or maybe that spinal punch fixed that too. Maybe that old guy was Superboy Prime. Coincidence?
30. Were there only 2 trucks that could have possibly housed the bomb? Because when they realize they’re at a decoy, they automatically know it’s the other one, which would make Talia a dumbass.
29. Knowing the bomb is going to go off any day know, Gordon waits until there are only 12 hours left to even identify which truck could possibly hold the device.
28. Why would you build one platform to house everything in the Bat-Cave? Basically, Batman can’t land the Bat, and use the computer at the same time, or even access his suit. Design fail.
27. Batman’s disappearing act with JGL. He actually gives him a grenade and tells him to turn around and throw it, so he can run off and seemingly disappear into the night. Ninja fail.
26. Just to clarify: if you’re a world-renowned jewel thief that wants to escape the “life”, try changing your hairstyle, changing your hair color, stop stealing, and possibly (and this is just a shot in the dark) us an alias. If you’re going to use your real name (one that has a criminal record) and rent property with it, then you really shouldn’t be bitching about not being able to disappear.
25. Bruce Wayne turns over his company to a woman he knows nothing about. When they bump uglies, she reveals that she was poor growing up, and Bruce is surprised by this. Way to vet the person you’re handing your company and a potential fusion bomb over to.
24. Batman has no problem with Catwoman using a cannon to off Bane. In her defense, she’s hot.
23. The Bat’s autopilot is working, but Bruce decides to stay in the thing with about 6 seconds left before bailing because he just loves dramatic tension and has always wanted to contract leukemia. Maybe he had a fridge on the Bat...
22. There are mere hours left before the city is obliterated and Batman takes hours to create a burning symbol of a bat on one of Gotham’s bridges. Of course, this act probably would have led to the “citizen” detonating the fusion bomb (seeing how it was a direct act of defiance), but Batman does love his theatrics.
21. A direct continuation of #22. Batman puts the lives of Gordon and a half-dozen other people in danger as they waddle out on the ice, because he’s too busy being a pyromaniac.
20. Gotham was SAFER without Batman. Sure they enacted some kind of fascist shit, but basically they eliminated organized crime, and Gotham had never been safer.
19. The real threat to Gotham IS Batman. If it weren’t for him, Talia never goes after Gotham to avenge her pappy.
18. JGL has an eye-opening moment when he realizes that guns are bad. He throws his piece away in disgust... only to brandish a shotgun a few minutes later. Remember kids, if you think guns are bad, you’re just using one that’s too small.
17. Bruce can’t figure out that the only reason he’s not making a jump is because he’s being hampered by a 50 pound rope.
16. Talia and Bane take Gotham hostage and can blow it up at any moment, but decide to wait 3 months, because they just know that Batman will somehow recover from a broken back in that time.
15. If you want Gotham to tear itself apart, why would you take out the cops AND THEN institute martial law?
14. Apparently all it takes to fix a shattered spinal cord is a really hard punch to the back.
13. This is the prequel to Unbreakable, because Batman should be called Mr. Glass. In the short time (to be discussed later) that he was Batman, he was basically crippled. This guy makes Greg Oden look like Superman.
12. Batman learns nothing. In the Dark Knight Returns when Bats is beaten by the mutant leader, he comes back for a rematch, but uses what he learned from the first fight to win the second. No such thing here. He just goes after Bane again, and really he should have just had his ass handed to him again if not for an inadvertent elbow and a lucky plot device.
11. Alfred and the butler for the Green Goblin (that one’s for you, Zechs) trained at the same place. Alfred knew that Katie Holmes didn’t love Bruce, but rather than tell him, he allows him to quit as Batman and quit at life for 8 years! Then, just as Bruce begins to pull himself together (but not in a way Alfred likes) he drops the bomb on him that he’s been pining away for a girl that chose a guy with half a face. What a dick.
And that brings us up to the top 10.
10. Jim Gordon couldn’t figure out Batman was Bruce Wayne.
9. Batman kills Talia. No two ways about it, his actions lead directly to her death. Is he wracked by guilt? Does he rush to try and save her? Nope. He stands idly by and watches her gasp for her final breath. Apparently Batman’s vow not to take lives does not extend to anyone named Al Ghul.
8. Batman quits because Katie Holmes died. The guy that dedicated himself to vengeance and creating order in his life after the death of his parents quits and becomes a recluse because his girlfriend (who was dating someone else at the time) died.
7. During a 3 month siege, Lucius Fox couldn’t get word to the outside world. This is the guy that created the tech to turn cellphones into Big Brother, sonar imaging tech, tank-cars, stealth-copters and so on. He is in a city with MILLIONS of cellphones, satellite dishes, CB radios, radio stations, television stations and god knows what else. Lucius fail.
6. The lemming army. GCPD’s idea of ‘tactics’ is to line up all their men 10 across and charge down the street into automatic gunfire.
5. Batman is a dick. He knows full well he can escape the atomic blast. He knows he fixed the autopilot, but he purposely leads people to believe that he’s going to die. And the worst part is, the person he lies to is the one person he’s going to tell afterwards that he’s still alive.
4. JGL will last approximately 5 minutes as Batman. Yeah, he’s trained as a cop, but how exactly did cops fare against the League of Shadows? Again, Batman is a dick (pun intended) if he thought JGL was going to pick up the slack after he left. And he turned the mansion into an orphanage ensuring that EVERYONE would figure out JGL was Batman.
3. Bruce Wayne didn’t know that a fusion power source could possibly be used as a weapon before a Russian scientist published a paper.
2. Batman only existed for 1 year. It’s true. The Joker tells the mob bosses (in the Dark Knight) that they had nothing to fear a year ago, so we take this as Batman has been operating during that time. Then he quits at the end of that movie. Yup, the guy who was obsessed with creating a legend and a symbol and yadda yadda yadda only had the guts to stick around for a year.
1. Batman quits yet again at the end of the movie. Dude, is this guy the biggest slacker on the planet or what? He worked for like 1 year in his entire life! What a douche.
Written or Contributed by Doc Jon
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