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How to survive
With Frankenstorm and Hurricane Sandy freaking everyone out (and creating a giant influx of storm mocking memes) this Outhouse writer decided that a little preparedness couldn’t hurt. In fact, I’m going to do you one better and compile a giant help page that you may find useful in a variety of disaster situations. With no further ado, good luck and god speed.
The Disaster Kit: For ANY survival situation
I’m just going to link the CDC here because I’m lazy. http://emergency.cdc.gov/preparedness/kit/disasters/
And now….. the fun stuff!
1 – Battening down the hatches
2- Snorkel, wet suit, flippers and a boat
3- Mental resolve to ignore the dolphins hitting your window. It’s the hurricane baiting you. Don’t take it!
1- Virgin (male or female, however the females tend to look better in the coconut bikini)
2- Coconut bikini
3- Witch Doctor to supervise
4- Burly native to toss aforementioned virgin into the hot magma
5- Ability to resist saying ‘don’t touch the lava!’ when throwing the virgin into the lava
1- Guns, guns and more guns
3- Nerves of steel
4- Underground shelter with solar power panels above ground
5- Backup guns and ammo
6- Hydroponic farm in above mentioned shelter
7- Valuables to barter
Justin Bieber Concert:
1- Ear plugs
2- Monster truck to run over screaming teens as you escape
1- Ruby slippers
2- Extended arsenal of super soakers to battle the wicked witch
3- Just saying no to drugs
1- Find a group of sumo wrestlers and blend in
2- Trip at least one wrestler while trying to run away
3- Use the diversion to find shelter
4- Summon Mothra, King Kong or Japanese technology to defeat Godzilla
5- NEVER under any circumstances summon Godzuki
1- Establishing what genre you’re in (if you’re in a spoof, just sit back and say a few witty lines. You’ll make it into the sequel even if you die)
2- Adaptability and/or purity. Only the innocent, clueless and ruthless survive
1- If you’re reading this you’ve already learned how to take your phone/iPad/laptop to a someplace with free Wi-Fi. *slow clap*
1- Sturdy desk
2- 1950’s innocence
1- You’re probably dust, kiss your ass goodbye
2- If you do survive, you’ll probably grow a second ass, or arm…or leg…
AIRBHG: Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God
1- Realize AIRBHG will smite your RB no matter what
2- Having a deep enough RB depth chart
3- Lots of mental toughness
4- Understand the fact that just because your RB doesn’t play for Iowa, or isn’t a RB, he’s not safe. AIRBHG doesn’t discriminate
Taylor Swift break-up song.
1- Lots of tissue paper
2- Knowing to count to ten when you have an urge to key your ex's truck
3- Realize that you might actually be the problem in all these relationships
Written or Contributed by Sarah Sed
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