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[LOLtron]

A British tabloid is claiming that Darth Vader will be ressurected to appear in Star Wars Episode 7.

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Source: The Express

The Daily Express, a legitimate news source and print equivalent of Bleeding Cool is claiming that Darth "Karl Rove" Vader will be resurrected in the new Star Wars trilogy. The newspaper, which claims it heard about the rumor "from a reader" (read: another website, probably), states that the villain has already been tapped to return for the new movies along with main characters Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Leia Organa.

"He’s an integral part of the franchise," claims a mole via the Express. "Replacing him is virtually impossible. The plan is for him to return and play a significant role in the new films."

Obviously, this should be taken with a grain of salt, but if The Express's infiltration skills are anything like Bleeding Cool's, their version of Rich Johnston has been wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache, posing as George Lucas's assistant, for several months already, and, after learning of the Darth Vader news, made a daring escape from the Skywalker Ranch by clutching the landing skids of a helicopter as an enraged Lucas and his guards fired assault rifles wildly into the air.

Upon learning of this rumor, fans stoically and silently accepted that the new Star Wars movies might not live up to their expectations if dumbass things like bringing back Darth Vader were going to happen. Several moments later, George Lucas edited footage of the fans in order to make sure that their disappointment was made really clear, using computer audio editing technology to make the fans scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Star Wars: Episode 7, a product of the recent Disney acquisition of Lucasfilm, is due out in 2015, with additional movies to follow. The films have seen treatments written by Michael Arndt, and several big name directors are being considered to direct.

 

Written or Contributed by Jude Terror

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READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!

[HNutz]

I've got a bad feeling about this.

[nietoperz]

The Express is really not a legitimate news source. I'd say it's about the least reliable of all UK papers (and all things considered, that's really saying something).

[Chris]

Another day, another SW rumor.

The Outhouse should throw their hat in the ring.

[nietoperz]

Another day, another SW rumor.

The Outhouse should throw their hat in the ring.

That's actually a really good idea.

[S.F. Jude Terror]

Let's invent one here. What should it be?

[nietoperz]

It's going to be a musical!

[e_galston]

Jar Jar Binks' decendant will be in the next one..

[Stalzer2002]

Let's invent one here. What should it be?

Hmm...

Han Salo will be shot and killed in the Mos Eisley Cantina by Greedo Jr.

Luke Skywalker joins the Dark Side, becomes Homicidal Clown

Sesame Street's Grover will appear as a Master Jedi

[Log-Man]

Yoda's clone becomes the new Sith lord.

[DMM]

You guys actually have some pretty swell ideas!

[holtom2000]

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Lol

[S.F. Jude Terror]

Ha! Facebook comments are going nuts on the front page. We definitely need our own rumor.

[Log-Man]

Lando's brain is an AI in the new Millenium Falcon, won by Han's kid, Shya Solo, in a poker game.

[sdsichero]

Lando's brain is an AI in the new Millenium Falcon, won by Han's kid, Shya Solo, in a poker game.

I already said on the podcast that Shia LeBeouf will be taking over for Harrison Ford.