*Membership spots not really limited!
Fine, writers. You win - I have stopped caring.
In the spirit of doing as little as possible, something I apparently share with whatever mouth-breathers the producers of Once Upon a Time rounded up to write this week's episode, here are my thoughts on “Into the Deep”.
Wow, that was the most half-assed opening ever. Did you get those lines at cliches-r-us? So the two Big Bads turn on each other. Color me surprised – which I think would be some shade of orange?
Oh good, like mother, like daughter. Cora has a treasure trove of hearts. Am I the only person who hopes she shows up in the next Kingdom Hearts game, along with everyone from Tangled and Up?
Great, let's send Aurora and Henry to talk to each other. The two least knowledgeable characters in the show will in no way mess this up. And thus the game of inter-dimensional telephone begins. You know, there's a purgatory storyline on Supernatural that is so much better.
I'm starting to notice that everyone on OUAT is related or at least dated each other at one point. Or whatever the storybook equivalent of dating is. Grabbing a cup of mead? Walking through a daisy field and “accidentally” falling on each other? Doc had a point when we discussed this over the weekend – it does start to feel incestuous.
To return to my initial point, I can't handle how cliched the dialogue is. Sometimes OUAT feels fresh, or at least the dialogue does. This week's mouth trash doesn't even sound good coming from the mouth of my main man R-stilts. Like, remember when Archie got Regina to back off by blackmailing her in a hypothetical custody case? That was AWESOME. I want more of that.
Aurora is surprisingly the ray of light in this episode, with a relatively new motivation. And she doesn't buy Cora's bullshit, though I am intrigued by the possibility of Phillip returning at some point, possibly in zombie form. He always was my favorite prince, with his newfangled 14th century notions.
I could listen to R-stilts tell bedtime stories all night long. How Henry was able to fall asleep is beyond me.
Squid ink? The Dark One's weakness, the defense mechanism of the devil of the sea, is intriguing to say the least. Also, I see an opening for Ariel to come into the story!! Here's the pitch: they go to the sea and have to find someone to go fight the squid, who turns out to be Ursula or something. Ariel, Sebastian and Flounder volunteer after Eric takes Emma, Snow, Aurora and Mulan out on his ship. While Ariel sneaks into Ursula's lair, they have a battle with Hook on the surface. That spur of the moment idea is better than this episode, and it took a minute to write. WAS THAT SO HARD WRITERS?
Of course Aurora gets kidnapped just as she was starting to get interesting. Sigh.
Everyone in the fairy tale world is grossly overdressed. Satin, in the woods? Really?
How the fuck does Snow understand what crows say? Did I miss the episode where she learned that? Or is this a veiled homage to the SUPER racist crows from the Disney cartoons of the 30's, and Snow is... part-crow? The point is that whole scene didn't make sense because no one explained the magic of crows. Which they could have done, if they had cut like two minutes off the horrible Hook/Cora scene from the beginning.
Is this whole episode an elaborate attempt to get Snow and Charming in the same scene? Their chemistry is good, but not good enough to warrant this amount of maneuvering.
When Charming goes under, not only does he have to navigate a netherworld (just call it purgatory already) he has to do it within a set time frame. GREAT – let's send Bungles McFuckup to fix everything. That has worked so well before.
Hook rescues Aurora because Cora double crossed him in the terrible opening. This was a convenient scene because I didn't even have to pay attention to know what was going on – just putting Hook in the dungeon with Aurora was enough. Great writing, OUAT, really keeps me guessing.
Why does purgatory have the same floor as the club in Saturday Night Fever?
I should really be paying attention to the Giants/Packers game. My fantasy league team is on the line here.
Aww Snow and Charming found each other. How can they hear each other over the flames when Aurora and Henry didn't before? Snow is almost as pissed at him as Charming was at her for cheating with Whale. On the other hand, the ramp up in drama helped their acting. That was the most convincing they've been together in AGES.
End result: Aurora is back with the gang, and they have to go find R-stilts old cabin and the squid ink therein. Hook and Cora have gotten back together, Aurora is under Cora's sway, Charming is in an enchanted sleep (I sense a looming role reversal) and there has not been enough Archie this season. Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some cricket up in here?
Next week: Winter finale. Shit will go down, hopefully in a more imaginative way than the rest of this season.
Written or Contributed by The Resident
READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!