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[LOLtron]

The makers of Bazooka Joe bubble gum have decided to discontinue the comic strip that has come with the rock-hard gum since 1953.

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Source: MTV Geek

Since 1953, every rock-hard, tooth-shattering brick of Bazooka bubble gum has come wrapped with a comic strip featuring gum mascot Bazooka Joe and his gang of young friends engaging in rip-roaringly dull and hilariously unfunny adventures.  With last year's DCnU reboot and this years Marvel NOW!, Bazooka Joe has become the defacto longest running currently published comic in America. Unfortunately, that legacy now comes to an end, as greedy gum moguls at Topps, Inc. scramble to reposition their product as hip and cool by featuring video game codes inside the label, as if this were 1985 and no one had ever heard of the internet.

"We looked into changing the shape of the gum and selling them to police riot control units for use in crowd suppression, but it turns out the gum is more dangerous than rubber bullets," said a Topps, Inc. executive, speaking anonymously. "We tried to explain that it's actually more dangerous than real bullets if you try to chew it, but they weren't interested, so we decided to scrap the comic and get kids to pick up Bazooka gum for the latest video game codes. It's cheaper than subscribing to Nintendo Power."

We informed the exec that Nintendo Power is no longer published and that everyone just goes to the internet to get their video game cheats, but he rudely placed his fingers in his ears and hummed loudly over us, saying "nah nah I can't hear you."

Like Hostess snack cakes, which enjoyed a brief surge in popularity for a week when Hostess shut down its bakeries, causing people to pay up to $40 for a box of Twinkies on eBay, the Bazooka Joe comics will likely spur a nostalgie-fueled speculator's run on a product that no one in their right mind gave a shit about a week ago, so if you want to get in on that action, head on down to your local... where the hell do they sell this stuff nowadays, anyway?

Written or Contributed by Jude Terror

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READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE FRONT PAGE, HUMANS!

[MrBlack]

I'm shocked. Shocked!

...to learn that Bazooka Joe is still around. Seriously, people actually still buy that stuff?

[sdsichero]

They blew it.

[nietoperz]

I dunno, I think it's very sad. As a kid, stuff like Hostess products and Bazooka Joe strips were impossibly glamourous little nuggets of Americana, and I think the world is a little poorer for their passing.

[S.F. Jude Terror]

Bazooka Joe was the most frustrating shit ever. You bought your 5 cent piece of gum and unwrapped it to find it had a sweet comic, only to find it was the most useless, pointless, and boring comic strip ever created. Never funny. Never interesting. For some reason, it seems I hate Bazooka Joe.

[Victorian Squid]

Bazooka Joe was the most frustrating shit ever. You bought your 5 cent piece of gum and unwrapped it to find it had a sweet comic, only to find it was the most useless, pointless, and boring comic strip ever created. Never funny. Never interesting. For some reason, it seems I hate Bazooka Joe.

Still sore over the character "Metal Dude" from the '90s Bazooka Joe Gang relaunch, eh?

[Victorian Squid]

[Victorian Squid]

Mort.

[Victorian Squid]

[Victorian Squid]

[GLX]

The dude on the far right looks like he's nude.

[Victorian Squid]

The dude on the far right looks like he's nude.

Caltech has a database of all Bazooka Joe comics:

http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~jimmyk/bazooka_html/

[mrorangesoda]

Hope you guys learned from that Hostess business- time to start stockpiling before they go for $300 a case.

[Victorian Squid]

Hope you guys learned from that Hostess business- time to start stockpiling before they go for $300 a case.

No defense again the cosmic cube now

[GHERU]

Dan Didio fired Bazooka Joe to make room for more Bubbalicious comics!