Proof that you can have too much family
Hey folks. Doc here, and I reckon y’all should gather round and listen to an adventure in family friendship. Despite the fact that I drove five hours to Cleveland and have to plan for my birthday party tomorrow (if only I had a party cannon), the Resident managed to have a worse time travelling here and will not be joining us this week. This episode is very fitting so close to White Anglo-Saxon Privilege Day, when we are forced to endure people with similar chromosomes to ourselves.
Granny Smith, Apple Jack, and Apple Bloom are flipping through photos, fondly recalling family reunions past. Apple Bloom lists the extensive family members coming to the reunion- the Apple family is…prolific. Commentary on the state of birth control and contraceptive rights in the rural outskirts of Equestria? You decide.
AJ agrees to help Granny out with the reunion by taking on most of the responsibilities. Granny flips through the pictures, telling her about all the events and family members. Highlights include Aunt Applesauce, who lost her teeth in the apple jam (ew); quilting; adorable baby AJ eating apple fritters (my brain melted from cute); a seven-legged race (which seems logistically difficult for horses- I don’t think their feet move like that); and of course, the family photo. Apple Jack’s supply list grows alarmingly long as she grows increasingly stressed. As an aside, based on the flashbacks to Granny’s younger years, I feel like they took place in the 1880s, so she must be in her 130s. Apple Bloom is excited to see Babs, because her memory is short, and everyone is really into forgiveness here, and they’ve all chosen to forget about how Babs nearly died last time.
Early the next day, AJ frantically prepares for the reunion. Apple bucking, fabric obtaining, honey pouring, AJ bedazzling, and water gathering occur. Incidentally, Pinkie Pie is immune to bees. The family arrives, excited to see each other (it seems unrealistic that such a huge family is 100% okay with every member- then again, I don’t think they know everyone there, which is another striking statement about the sheer vastness of that family.)
Apple Bloom and Babs are thrilled to see each other again (aside: Babs’ Brooklyn accent sounds way better in this episode) and catch up. However, we swiftly start to see the problem with leaving AJ in charge- her seven-legged race is more like a torturous obstacle course that Lucifer himself would deem “a little over the top.” Meanwhile, the more elderly members of the Apple family are fixin’ to quilt. AJ decides it’s about time those biddies finish their quilt and provides for them some gasoline-powered sewing machines. Not very green there, buddy. The motors put a bit of a damper on the old mares’ conversation. Meanwhile, she turns apple fritter making into a pre-union regulation style assembly line.
AJ is missing the obvious point of a family reunion- to reune (not a word, dealwithit.jpg). She decides to up the “awesome” by taking the family on a hayride. It starts off innocuously enough, though perhaps a bit faster than expected. She takes the family through the orchard and sets free a lovely rainbow of fruit bats for their enjoyment. This may sound pretty, and it is, until one attacks some old mare’s hat. The wagon careens out of control, destroying the barn that is supposed to be the backdrop for the family picture.
Upon seeing the destruction, AJ is understandably dismayed. She apologises to her Granny for overdoing the reunion a bit. Apple Bloom points out that she overthought it, and that it would’ve been better just to let everypony do what they want. But how to create a memorable reunion now? With a barn raising! And a catchy, catchy song!
The barn raising is a great success, and the enormous family has their picture taken. Apple Jack writes ODL a letter about how family is the first group of friends we make and how family is wonderful blaa blaa blaa. (I’m sure.) She signs it “Your humble servant, Apple Jack,” which I find the most worrisome part because tyranny.
Fortunately, no one was made to suffer humiliating psychological destruction at the hands of the mane six this week, which I guess is sort of in the spirit of the holidays. So remember kids, no matter how insane your family seems this week, at least they aren’t tying you up and making you run or forcing you to mass-produce apple fritters.
Written or Contributed by Dr. Improbable
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