Fanboys everywhere were crushed yesterday when they learned that they would be denied the opportunity to not see the Star Wars Prequels in 3D.
Source: EXCLUSIVE: No More ‘Star Wars’ 3D Prequel Releases; Lucasfilm Passes To Focus On New Trilogy
Ever since Disney bought Star Wars for $4 billion,
desperate basement dwelling trolls Star Wars fans have been eagerly awaiting an opportunity to complain, and now they have it. On the heels of the underwhelming box office performance of Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D, Disney has decided not to rerelease the rest of the prequels.
“They can’t do this to us!” screamed WebMD’s doctor of fictional reporting and avid Star Wars fan, Dr. John Saucepan. “George Lucas has trained us to expect whoreish levels of pandering and cash grabbing every few years, and by taking this away from us, Disney has violated the sacred property owner / whiney internet forum fan base relationship that is a basic human entitlement.
“What are we supposed to do now?" continued Doc Saucepan. "Its Tuesday, and Tuesdays are the days that I allocate for myself to whine about future releases of previously released Star Wars movies, and I was all set with a well thought-out and rational 20 paragraph post about how bad Episode II was and how it was worse in 3D and why. Do they want me to just stop? To ignore my schedule? Maybe complain about Order 66 and how much time was wasted on a montage of murder and why did they need to CGI wookies anyway? WE KNOW YOU HAVE AT LEAST ONE REAL COSTUME! I can’t do that. That is Thursday’s rant."
Why is Disney letting Andrew get up!? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy! Sorry. Wrong movie”
Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D only made $23 million domestically (that means ‘Murica to you foreign types), whereas it is estimated that over $400 million worth of work hours were wasted by irate
sociopaths fans telling everyone they could that they would NOT be seeing The Phantom Menace in 3D. “Jar Jar Binks in 3D, no thanks!” exclaimed one anonymous poster mere days before posting a scathing review ofEpisode I: The Phantom Menace 3D for everyone to read.
As strange as it may seem, there are people out there that are upset at the cancelation of the 3D releases because they wanted to see the movies again. This is the cost of freedom. The Outhouse, universally recognized as the website that single handedly saved Tokyo when Godzilla was on vacation, caught up with one of these strange folk:
“Look, the prequels are obviously better than the originals because the kids like those more. Its science” exclaimed lawyer extraordinaire, Arachnid Bob. “I know that this is hard for the OT (original trilogy) fans to understand, but numbers don’t lie. The prequels made money when they came out and sold well on DVD. Even the lowest selling prequel sold more blue-rays then A New Hope did in 1977. Capitalism has decided that Episodes I-III are better because of they made more money and treated the audience as if they were a bunch of special-ed chimps on a field trip, like they are accustomed too."
Arachnid Bob continued on with his oral arguments in favor of the prequels, but this reporter suddenly came down with the idontwanttolistenanymore virus that is going around and had to end the interview early. As of right now it is believed that Arachnid Bob is still trying to convince anyone over the age of 30, or a flag-pole, that Episodes I-III were not the work of a dried up hack who hates the people who brought him to the dance.
As for me, if I could just see the pod race from Phantom Menace and the last 30 minutes of Revenge in 3D, that’d be pretty cool, as long as they make it so the mid-wife droid speaks basic. Seriously, they can build a droid that helps women through one of the most stressful, uncomfortable, and tiring moments of their lives, but they chose not to program in the universal language of the galaxy? How does that work?
“Here, I invented a robot that reaches all up in there and grabs the baby.”
“Will it tell me what it’s doing?”
“Yes, but only in bleeps and boops, you’ll need a translator to understand the procedure.”
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD! TRANSLATE THAT!”
Written or Contributed by GHERU
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