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The writer was relieved to learn that a critical CBR article was directed at another Superman writer.
When Andy Diggle first learned about a CBR article outing a future Superman writer as a supervillain, he thought the jig was up. Diggle, the writer of comics such as The Losers and Green Arrow: Year One and future writer of Action Comics has spent the last ten years constructing a death ray designed to eradicate the world's population of penguins. "I hate penguins," said Diggle, wearing an oversized labcoat. "They killed my brother, and so I shall kill them."
However, Diggle's plans were nearly uncovered by CBR when they declared that an upcoming Superman writer was actually a supervillain. "I was worried that the crack investigative journalists at CBR had found me out," said Diggle, speaking from his volcanic lair shaped like a skull in Chile. "I was worried that I'd have to speed up my timeline significantly."
Luckily for Diggle, CBR was actually referring to Orson Scott Card, an outspoken homophobe and dillweed. In a hyperbole filled article, CBR writer Brett White declared Card's activism against the homosexual community to be akin to supervillainry.
"When you think about it, Card's views about the LGBT community are actually more akin to those of a super villain," White wrote. "He has a good bit of his heart devoted to hate, judgment and derision. He opposes progress and equality. He literally sits on the board of an organization whose entire reason for existing is restricting the rights of other human beings. This is the man that is writing a Superman story?"
While Diggle was relieved to learn that he wasn't being outed by CBR, he did express confusion as to Card's actions. "Seems like a pretty crappy supervillain if you ask me," Diggle said. "Unreasonable hatred towards a group? Open affliation with known villainous groups? Those are rookie mistakes, man. Just because I'm trying to actively cause penguins' extinction doesn't mean that I'm a card carrying member of the ADPE (Americans for the Death of Penguins Everywhere). It sort of gives you away."
"I guess if a group of homosexuals ganged up on his brother and stabbed him over two dozen times in the streets of Rio de Janiero like penguins did to my brother, I'd be a bit more understanding," Diggle admitted. "But, all the gay people I know aren't evil like penguins are, so it's more likely that Card's just a loon spouting irrational hate for no particular reason."
Diggle admits that this isn't the first time that someone has come close to discovering his extracirrucular villainry. "I hosted Thanksgiving down here one year. My mother-in-law kept asking over and over why our volcanic lair was shaped like a skull. It took me forever to convince her that it was shaped like a bowling ball." He also thought that Grant Morrison had discovered him when his Action Comics run was delayed by a month, but later learned that Morrison was just having a particularly lurid hallucination.
At the end of the day, Diggle was just glad that Card's open douchebaggery helped to draw attention from his evil plans. "There's nothing anyone can do to stop me," boasted Diggle, speaking of the world's superhero community. "I've taken all the necessary precautions, and my plan has no flaws. Take a last look at all the penguins, because their time on this Earth is short. Mwahahahahahaha!"
"Hahahahaha!" continued Diggle. "Sorry, I was just thinking about last week's episode of the Big Bang Theory. That show always makes me laugh."
My god. He's further gone than we thought.
Written or Contributed by ThanosCopter
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