100,000 Dolphins Flee San Diego Area, Call Comic Con "Too Hollywood"
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by LOLtron » Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:22 pm
What is being called a super-mega-pod of dolphins has been seen fleeing the San Diego area, in what is assumed to be a response to the commercialization of Comic Con International.
Source: The Daily Mail (and with all due respect to Douglas Adams)
Reputable UK newspaper The Daily Mail reports that a "super-mega-pod" of dolphins has been seen migrating away from the San Diego area. The report comes via Hornblower Cruises captain Joe Dutra, who estimates that the column of dolphins is about seven miles long and five miles wide, and consists of at least 100,000 dolphins. Normal pods consist of only about 200 dolphins.
Environmentalists are concerned that the mass migration could be connected to radiation from Japan's Fukushima nuclear power plant disaster, which is said to be slowly making its way across the Pacific Ocean, or due to dolphins' precognitive superpower to predict earthquakes. However, The Outhouse is never satisfied with idle speculation, so we reached out to a notable dolphin to get the inside scoop.
"We're just sick of Comic Con," said Flipper, perhaps the world's foremost dolphin, referring to San Diego Comic Con International, the world's premier comic con, held every July. "It used to be about the comics, man. Now it's all about the latest big Hollywood blockbusters and video games."
Flipper is the first dolphin known to speak out about the commercialization of comic book conventions, but human fanboys have been complaining about it since the invention of comic book conventions. Human fanboys have always assumed that they are more intelligent than dolphins because they have achieved so much – the wheel, New York, wars and so on – whilst all the dolphins have ever done is muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins have always believed that they are far more intelligent than man – for precisely the same reasons. It is unknown why it has taken the dolphin community so long to become fed up with the corruption of the world's largest comic con, but we can only assume that they were distracted by their affinity for balancing balls on their noses and doing backflips in exchange for delicious fish.
"I'm not proud of it," said Flipper, speaking candidly. "But I'll do anything for a fish. Have you ever gotten head from a seafaring mammal?"
Until Comic Con begins on July 17, or until a massive radiation powered earthquake causes the state of California to tumble into the sea, it's unlikely that we'll have any firm answers as to the dolphin mass migration. In the meantime, scientists are working to understand a series of message board posts left by the dolphins before the migrations began. The messages, posted on a dolphin-centric forum dedicated to Comic Con, abruptly ended a week before the migration.
The last ever Dolphin message posted on the board was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star Spangled Banner," but in fact, the message was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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