Smoking Worse Than Slavery Says Movie Awards Show
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by LOLtron » Mon Feb 25, 2013 7:00 am
No, it's not the Oscars - a California based teen anti-fun group has graded 2012's big movie releases based on whether or not they promoted smoking.
Source: Press Release
A group of organized young wusses, Breathe California of Sacramento-Emigrant Trails, sent us a press release about their annual awards, which grade movies based on whether or not they contain smoking. Despite making you look cool and sophisticated, being relaxing, feeling good, giving you something to do to occupy your hands and mouth when you're bored, and being a good way to rebel against your parents, the group feels that smoking is bad and that Hollywood shouldn't put it in movies because it could influence impressionable youngers to smoke.
Now, we know what you're thinking: these teens must be really popular. They probably get invited to all the sweet lipstick blow job parties and whatever the hell else teenagers do nowadays, because all the other kids can't get enough of their constant lecturing about the health hazards of smoking and their obsessive need to view everything through the lens of whether or not it promotes smoking, which, by the way, is bad for you, in case they weren't being clear about that.
But these kids are about more than just fun and popularity. They have a serious message to promote.
In the Hackademy Awards, the group named Peter Jackson's The Hobbit as the Thumbs Down Movie of 2012. Disappointed, the group cited Jackson deciding that "pipe smoking in the J.R.R. Tolkien books deserved preservation in his movie adaptation" as the reason for the bottom spot. The Avengers, on the other hand, was the Thumbs Up Movie of 2012, lauded as a "smoke-free action thriller where the cigar-chomping comic book character Nick Fury lost the stogie in the movie version."
In the actor category, the Hackademy scolded both Berenice Marlohe of Skyfall and Django Unchained's Leonardo DiCaprio for their naughty smoking. DiCaprio in particular appears to be something of a notorious tobacco supervillain to Breath California. The press release dedicated an entire section to decrying his actions, past and present:
In fact, other than performances by Colin Farrell and Jennifer Lawrence, Breathe California called 2012 a "dismal year for those watching and waiting for Hollywood to stop promoting tobacco use. A whopping 83 percent of 2012 movies included positive messages about tobacco use as a consequence-free, appealing habit to young audiences -- up from 63 percent in 2011."
Look, we get it. Smoking is bad. But pretending that it doesn't exist, hiding it from public view, isn't going to solve the fucking problem. People smoke. They smoke pipes in the fictional land of Narnia or wherever the hell the Hobbit takes place, and they sure as shit smoked in Mississippi in the 1800s. If you watch Django Unchained, and you come away with the lesson that kids should smoke more cigarettes, you're missing the fucking point, in our opinion. It's goddamn bizarre that our entertainment can be filled with sex and violence and drinking and more sex and more violence a constant bombardment of subliminal messages promoting rampant irresponsible consumerism, but if Bruce Willis smokes a cigarette in Die Hard, the the world is going to hell on the backs of a million corrupted children.
Kids: take some advice from your friend Jude Terror. You can trust me. Go steal some beer from your dad and get drunk in the woods with your buddies. Go try to get laid. Smoke some pot. Shitty pot that's like half oregano. Get in trouble. Go find some loser at a gas station to sell you a pack of Marlboro Reds, and cut class to go smoke 'em behind the school with all your scumbag friends. That's what kids are supposed to do.
You can clean yourself up later. Have some fun with your life now, while it's easy. Don't worry about whether people are smoking in movies. That doesn't matter to you. You're young and you're invincible. Get off the internet, stop preaching to people, and enjoy having no real consequences for anything you do.
Unless, of course, you are my kids. In that case, don't do any of that. And stop reading this website. You're grounded.
You can learn more about the super awesome kid of Breathe California at the source link above.
Written or Contributed by Jude Terror
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