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When Marvel announced that longtime X-Men character Northstar would be getting married in Astonishing X-Men #51, vigilant groups of concerned citizens like One Million Moms expressed rational fears that the fictional wedding would destroy the morality of children and ruin the sanctity of heterosexual marriage... but this reporter doubts they had any idea things would happen so quickly. Just days after the issue hit stands, homosexuals were running wild through the streets of San Francisco, celebrating what they referred to as the 2012 Astonishing X-Men Pride Weekend. The event, marked with events all over the city, even featured a parade down Market Street and a six hour long immoral party in the Civic Center district.
"I was home with my wife and kids, being a responsible, god-fearing heterosexual on Wednesday, when I accidentally read Astonishing X-Men #51," said one gentleman who asked that his name be kept confidential, an innocent victim of Marvel's corruption. "Three days later, here I am in these assless chaps, kissing boys in public. My children will probably grow up to be drug addicts" Probably? We'd say definitely.
Longtime advocates of the heterosexual right to oppress homosexuals are not surprised by this behavior. It is a well-respected theory that if homosexuals are allowed to enter legally into loving, committed relationships, he committed relationships of heterosexuals will dissolve as a result. "How can I be expected to have sex with my wife," said presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a conversation we imagined, "when somewhere out there, a man is having a petty argument over bills with another man. It's just not right."
Though San Francisco, a typically conservative and conventional city, is the first to be influenced by Marvel's irresponsible fictional gay character marrying, it certainly won't be the last. A gay Pride event is scheduled for London, a city filled with liberals and muslims, on July 3, and some are speculating that even New York City may soon hold a Gay Pride Parade. Before things get out of control, The Outhouse asks comic book publishers: is it worth all the attention? Let's just stick to having furry mutant acrobats marry flying aliens from outer space, as God intended: where one has a penis, and the other has a vagina, or whatever sexual organ in that alien biology is equivalent to a vagina. If nothing else, let's look for inspiration at the many heterosexual relationships that are still going strong in comics, such as Clark Kent and Lois Lane, Scott Summers and Jean Grey, Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, and Batman and Robin.
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror